Kingdom: New Lands – Short Review: PC Version

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What if they update it again? Kingdom: Double-New Lands Two.

I had spent a lot of time with the original version of Kingdom and it wasn’t really worth talking about. A quirky little timewaster that I very much enjoyed. Wouldn’t go out of my way to recommend it to you. Couldn’t even be bothered to write a review first time round. It was a nice little game.

So here we are with, what’s very clearly an upcoming review of that dreary lil’ game with an update. You know what I’m doing right? I’m trying to alienate you. This isn’t a game for you.

Go on. Look at it.

Some horse thing an’ that

Not worth your time. Just some pixel-art horse, innit. Hop it sunshine, nothing for you here.

no more, please

Everybody’s Golf – Short Review: PS4 Version

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The first review of the year is a bloody golf game? What the hell is wrong with you? I was talking to myself, but… if you’re reading this…

Everybody’s Golf has been around since the original Playstation. Yes, that computerised device from the 90’s. Totally radicool. Welcome to the mighty backlog month.

The game is also very, very pleasant with lil tinge of disappointment. I mean, you knew that already, right?

Let me explain why… but not in song.

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Total War: Warhammer II – (Not) Short Review: PC Version

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Minor Skirmish: Toothpick 2

What happens when you merge an extensive computerised wargame with a boardgame thingy called Warhammer. Ya know, that thing with Elves and Dark Elves and Elves in stetson hats.

A high fantasy computer game… I guess. Blimey, I feel a long-ass review coming on.

Oopfh… Look at the detail on that. Image courtesy of ‘ere.

Oohh, Warhammer features vampires. Neat.

For those with little knowledge of both things, let’s sum it up. You’ve a bloody big map to spawn armies from and you’ll get to decide when to march your hard earned armies into real time battles. Rather than control a thousand individual units, they are bunched into squads. Top tip, spearman are pretty good against big fleshy horses.

Oh… I can’t actually play as a vampire clan. Only battle against them. Aw.

I appreciate the vision of the Total War games. Big sweeping epic battles. Big sweeping giant maps. Big sweeping bugs. Sometimes the visions simply too big and it crushes under it’s own weight. Regardless Total War games are nearly always interesting.

Now… how interesting is Total War: Warhammer II?

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Super Mario Odyssey – Short Review: Nintendo Switch Version

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I can confirm Calypso doesn’t seduce a mustachioed plumber for an unreasonable number of years.

Mario’s been around for over 30 years, which means there’s 30 years of terrible introductions to each game. Here’s another.

Odyssey is a continuation of the fantastic Super Mario 3D World on the horrifically dead Wii U. It was one of my favourite Mario adventures to date and such excitement can only lead to disappointment. Let’s hope not, ‘ey.

Let’s check out the platforming action in a three dimensional environment.

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Splatoon 2 – Short Review: Nintendo Switch Version

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Let’s mention the original Splatoon…. Hmm… Let’s say 7 times.

Did you ever read reviews of the original game?

You have? Don’t bother clicking more. I mean, the sequels more of the same. Have a nice day and good on ya. Mind how ya’ go.

Wait… you’re still here. Ok, here’s a description of the game?

Someones made a right bloody mess round ‘ere.

Hot from the wacky minds of Nintendo comes the sequel to one of the most inventive online shooters for years!

Transferring to the plucky Switch, Splatoon 2 changed things up by changing the focus from shooting the enemy, to covering the map in your chosen colour! Wowsers!

So how does the sequel change things up?

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Shadow of War – Short Review: PC Version

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Middle of that Earth: Shadow of that Wars: From that Lord of that Rings

I’ve spent many an hour in the land of Mordor and have had a wonderful time there, despite what the brochure said. The original game spawned a lengthy retrospective and I am unhappy to report that it included a rather vicious disclaimer. You see, the original games plot… was… let’s say… lacking. Hey, let’s hope I won’t have to do that again.

Once again we inhabit brave Ranger Talion with wraith body-roommate Celebrimbor and I’m pretty confident they’ll improve on the lacklustre story.

Let’s find out.

Disclaimer – The following introduction berates a creatively bankrupt team. Again. Light swearing applicable.

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Road Redemption – Short Review: PC Version

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It’s like modern Road Rash they scream! “Yes”, you nod sagely. “Yes it is”.

Early Access is a strange beast. You can own the guts of a game for up to 2 years before an update appears out of the blue, and bing! You are now the proud owner of a shiny brand new game. Not sure on this term “Early Access”? … Why not check out the glossary.

Look. All I’m saying is some mudda’ is ganna get knocked the f…

Road Redemption encourages you to sit comfortably in the seat of a motorcycle, swinging shovels at fellow racers in anger.

It’s all rather exciting.

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Cuphead – Short Review: PC Version

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Cuphead had fans before anyone had the chance to play it. How do you temper mass wild expectations?

I’ll start by telling you what the game’s all about. Then I’ll descend into why I’m not a huge fan of this particular type of platform game; before I attempt to reconcile the rabid contractions whipping around in my mind. You might have to bear with me on this one.

The story is a simple one. Cuphead enrols in a soul collection scheme after being fooled by the devil. Does the gameplay match such fetching looks? Please shrug and read on.

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Heat Signature – Short Review: PC Version

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Aka. Warm Hancock.

I was keen to play Heat Signature the first time I come across it. It’s everything I thought it would be and ooh I’m bored of it now.

Yes. I know. One of those reviews. Please dismiss the following coherent thoughts.

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Nidhogg 2 – Short Review: PC Version

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I’m not saying everyone else is reviewing this game wrong…

What you will need for today’s review of Nidhogg 2: –

A copy of the game.

2 control pads.

A minimum of 3 like-minded friends.

An adequate supply of booze.

Preparation: –

Ensure your gaming area is sterilised and filled with pizza and/or chicken. Verbal game instructions are limited to “hold up on the pad, to throw ya’ weapon”.

I think we are ready to review Nidhogg.

Remember incoherence and bile are part of the charm.

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Greedy Guns – Short Review: PC Version

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Inspired by Gunstar Heroes you say? Metal Slug? A metroidvania shooter… Go on….

Oh dear Sir… I couldn’t possibly think of insulting you by explaining the above references. For those fresh to the genre, I believe in you. I believe in your ability to look things up.

Ever wanted to live your life as a red nosed mercenary, just like your favourite comedian on Red Nose day? Well now you can with Greedy Guns!

I could waffle on but I think you’ll probably know exactly what this games about with a single screenshot

Light shooting shenanigans.

Doesn’t that look lovely? Greedy Guns is a product of a successful 2016 Kickstarter raising the modest sum of £11,653.00. We must ignore such humble beginnings and ask the question of any game released on a computer system. Is it any good?

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