Blah blah blah, just watch the video from 5:40 to jump to Nintendo Switch action. No, I won’t force you to click into the article to register your interest in the matter. No, I wont force you to read my pathetic account of the video, forcing you to you scroll to the bottom of the page to hunt down the juicy video available everywhere.
Enjoy!
How’s this for a piss-poor first day at work? You finally get that swanky promotion to base commander, only to witness the destruction of your beloved Federation. Those pesky uncommunicative murderous space aliens, always with the random acts of mass slaughter on your happy day. Anyway, I guess you’re the last line of defence, again. So… protect your space station and rebuild the Federation. No problem.
Hey, not the worst set up, is it? I had no idea the game was funded through Kickstarter or created in front of a baying early access crowd. It’s good to be patient.
I’m pleased to report they dodged the “cease and desist” letter from Paramount.
A selection of scandals you have already read before, now with augmented pictures to back up the many, many lies!
GADZOOKS! For earlier scoops click THIS or THIS! You won’t regret it! CLICKY CLICKY CLICK!
I can save you some time here. If you’ve already read the EVE: Valkyrie review, replace the word “spaceship” with “car”, jump to the score and nod approvingly.
Regardless I’ll try to keep it brief. These VR reviews are starting to congeal into a brown pool of review goo with the word immersive stuck in the top. Bit like the flake in an ice cream. An immersive flake.
The Foundation update you say? Hah… I thought the game had a fine foundations. The static universe, displeasing hype and the lack of meaningful pursuits harmed proceedings. At least 20-odd year old Elite Frontier had light piracy, rising through the military ranks and most exciting of all, being a spacebus.
Saying that, I didn’t hate No Mans Sky at all, in fact, quite the opposite and I’m excited by what the foundation update represents.
Short post-release thoughts… incoming!
Thinking of upgrading to the latest (3 years old now) generation of console gaming?
Great news! A weighty back catalogue of top-notch games await for the incredible sum of next to nothing. Handy, as you’ve just blown most of your budget on the fancy games machine itself.
Please enjoy the following recommendations. Also, congratulations on holding out.
O! My Genesis consists of a tutorial and one level. O! That price makes sense. If the concept of a paid demo bothers you, this isn’t the purchase for you. Not even at the price of a luxury sandwich.
God games are tailor-made for Virtual Reality, but is a single level of O! My Genesis enough?
For the first time in my life I’d watched an entire episode of Saturday Night Live because Dave Chappelle took over the show to recreate the early 2000s. The music was provided by A Tribe Called Quest, which was cool.
Anyway, forget word nonsense. Just have a listen of the second track of the new album. I had no idea they had a new album.
At times this creates perplexing methods which defy expectation or logic. – Oh… a Sangria. I do like a nice Sangria.
So, business practices of the… Hey, where did all this booze come from?
Multimedia conglomerates hold all the cards with the new digital fronti- You know, this rum will almost certainly need a few ice cubes. I’ll go grab some.
Erm, where was I?
Oh yeah, click more for a rant about modern gaming an’ that, whilst I consume the odd fruit juice or two. In fact let’s have a couple now, to loosen me up. Lovely, lovely, stuff.
Do you remember gauntlet? I do and I didn’t much care for it. No sir; not even on the swanky arcade machines, not even with 4 players.
Knight Squad appears to be from the ye ‘ol age of arcades. Can a rusty relic of an idea be improved upon in this day and age? Can my mind be swayed? Are these my feet?
Hey you, yes you! Would you like to fly a spaceship?
Of course it’s a yes!
EVE: Valkyrie is the first proper full priced VR game I’ve acquired. Is it worth such considerable expense or is this just another short “experience”?
Heading a football coming at you at pace has the potential to hurt. Luckily, within the world of virtual reality you can’t feel pain, yet.
An entire game based upon the concept of letting a football bounce off your head sounds like a great way to test Sony’s fancy-pants technology.
Where do we start then?
It doesn’t make any sense.
In September I was sitting in New York figuring out how to eat a sandwich the size of my head when I looked up and saw Hillary Clinton giving a speech. I’d managed to gnaw through half of it before giving up and coming to the realisation, Clinton is the antithesis of Donald Trump. The perfect candidate. Able to bring out the worst in one another. It was at that moment I realised Trump was incredibly likely to win.
Myself and Joey Joey Jo plan to enjoy a selection of mini-games designed to show off your shiny new VR experience.
We shall review each game individually, check to see if the technology works and ask the most important question, “is it any fun?”
Earlier in the year I wrote a lengthy monotone retrospective on PES 2016 complete with thick eyebrows, slippers and a dour disposition. You could probably guess from the length and girth of the eyebrows, yes… I rather liked it.
Last year I considered PES 2016 the new benchmark in football based gameplay, and that warm feeling remains. In fact, a lot of what I previously mused still applies.
Oh no, ‘ere we go. Are you ready for it?
“It’s like last years, but a little better, kinda… cough.”
I mean, they only had 12 months to spruce the place up and 2 months of that was preparing for Xmas. This reviews a total waste of fucking time. Hey, why not click more?
Vix the master builder, Lloyd the turkey whisperer and some guy called Scott finally reach the end of their camping adventure. Yes, all of this really happened in game, in fact, I had to omit tiny details or we would have been here all day.
Does it end in an enviable bloodbath? Would they all survive the year? What will become of Gerald the gentleman monkey?
Some lesser people would use the term “exclusive” whilst bragging about technology other people haven’t had the privilege of messing with. Not us though, oh no. We would never stoop so low.
The following article contains exclusive revelations to hopefully excite you into a gibbering frenzy.
Apology – I wish to apologise for both the quality of the above joke and the duality of the incredible lie, as the following prototype has been around for 10 years. I’m both saddened and proud by such outrageous claims and the abuse of the general public’s ignorance on new technological matters. Thank you for your patience and please hit like, subscribe and give me money. I will lie again.
We have a new way of viewing the world around us with the introduction of affordable Virtual Reality. Now all we need is a new way to interact with these worlds.
Let’s talk Haptic controls.
So what the hell is a haptic-ma-jigger? Can it make me a cup of tea? What are you talking about? Why should I care about this thing? I don’t know what it is, can I buy one?
Good news! In the future, Bethesda have decided to send review copies to the games media a whole single day before release.
Try not to worry guys. I mean, you loved all the Dooms and Dishonoureds?
Don’t worry. You can trust them. It’s not like they’ve ever released a broken game or anything utterly average. No really. Honest.
This is a pretty serious one. I genuinely can’t get this out of my head. I’ve been singing it for a week now.
Please, send help.
