Film

The wonderful world of cinema and Michael Bay

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Assassins Creed: The Movie

I did not watch this film as I was playing the cripplingly addictive Motorsport Manager. The movie played in the background.

I refuse to look up the plot, characters or even basic details such as character names; all in the name of journalistic integrity, truth and possibly honesty.

I’m confident that watching the film at periodic intervals with a single eye, is the correct universal method of watching Assassin Creed. Please do not attempt this method with a Torment: Tides of Numenera, as such a game requires your full focus.

So, let’s get started with an in-depth review!

Indignant additional commentary by Joey Jo Jo

On with the Review!

Hey, It’s That Guy!

THE FIRST (BUT DEFINITELY NOT THE LAST) LADY ENTRY IN ‘HEY, IT’S THAT GUY!’.

Every so often you’re flicking through TV channels and you come across a serious law enforcement drama. You know, like CSI or Law & Order. Or maybe NCIS. Or maybe NCIS Los Angeles. Then you notice that it stars LL Cool J & Chris ‘O Donnell. Where’s Chris ‘O Donnell been all this time?  I’m not sure if I can take him seriously as a policeman or whatever NCIS officers are. Why does something explode in every single episode of this show?

Sorry, I got slightly distracted there. Hey, I recognise that lady playing his boss…

(more…)

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The Big Short

On the first watch The Big Short makes for a good impression.

With a second watch, in the age of gaseous hair mounds, the film’s quite prescient.

President Fart

President Fart

Making a film about the boring ol’ financial crisis is a potentially foolish endeavour, as we all have attention spans of spanners. No-one says the word spanners anymore. People used to say “that’s blokes a spanner”. I don’t know why being a spanner is a bad thing, I just know that it is. If you do decide to look up spanner pictures, my preference is those adjustable ones, you know the ones? Adjustable an’ that. Now that’s a very fine spanner.

Read more about spanners.

spanner talk

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God Bless America

“Things to watch due to the social and cultural insanity of today”.

I’m sure many of you would have missed this film, as typing “God Bless America” isn’t on your daily web browsing agenda. Maybe it is? I don’t know who’s reading this? Who are you people!

Is it lazy to reference similar things? Bah… Let’s be lazy. It will inform your peculiar tastes immediately. God Bless America has a touch of Kick-Ass, Network, Leon and, of course, Idiocracy. Plenty of people reference Falling Down as that’s the most obvious… Not us. Oh no, we won’t reference that!

Did that help pique your interest? Go on you naughty tyke, on your way, go enjoy the film. If you haven’t watched any of the above films…. You’ve got some work to do. You can always return later. Good luck.

Or read more?

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Suicide Squad

Super franchise! All your favourite heroes! Running around toget- wait, anti-heroes! A bunch of bastards running around together, doing things!

We got the best actors and CGI and no scriptwriters and the sexy outfits! Battles… YOU WANT BATTLES! We got all the battles. BANG! Franchise! All of your favourites appears, such as “shooting gun man” and “sexy lady!” The word “franchise”. This isn’t a film, it’s an event!

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A Star Wars Story: Crappy Title innit

Rogue One: A Star Wars Story – Spoiler Free

A Star Wars sub-header

Could Rogue One be the New Hope we’re looking for?

Didn’t like that line? Get used to it… That’s the level of dialogue to be expected from this new Star Wars film.

Sometimes you’ll hear a nice thing about a film… Then a few more nice things. Before you realise it, you’ve resigned yourself to a trip to the cinema. Hopes aren’t overly raised. Prequels are pretty flawed films from the get-go. Still, let’s hope we are taken on a nice journey.

Let’s have a very brief chat about that new Star Wars.

Classic SW Intro Music

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The InputError Award for best Film called “I, Daniel Blake” 2016

“Ha-HAH! Please stop talking Dave, you bother me…”

I, Daniel Blake

Clearly the winner right?

Massive applause from a goat.

“Films have the power to make us laugh, cry and spontaneously combust. Award shows are ultimately pointless, what is the point of it all. The nominees are… ”

  • “Deadpool”
  • “I, Daniel Blake”
  • “Louis Theroux: Savile”
  • “The Hateful Eight”
  • “Captain America: Civil War”
  • Batman Vs Supe-haha… hahaha… hahahahaha
  • “The Big Short”  – Yeah… it came out the end of December 2015, so what.

“Muh, who cares…thewinneris…”

(more…)

hollywood

Even More Hollywood Exclusives!

YOU WONT BELIEVE NUMBER 1! Forget the other numbers, just read the first number of the list. you won’t even need to read the rest. just the first Bloody number. go on, you won’t believe it. honest.EXCLUSIVE

Welcome to even more scoops from the Gutter!

A selection of scandals you have already read before, now with augmented pictures to back up the many, many lies!

GADZOOKS! For earlier scoops click THIS or THIS! You won’t regret it! CLICKY CLICKY CLICK!

CLICK HERE!

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Last Night

It’s amazing what you can accomplish on a budget. Strip away the flash and explosions and you’re often left with humanity.

When it comes to the human race’s last night on earth, humanity should really be the focus.

Made in 1998 this low budget Canadian film, starred and directed by Don McKellar has all but disappeared from retailers. So try not to confuse this with a 2010 film with the exact same name. I suspect that film’s a load of ol’ wank. I mean, it doesn’t have David Cronenberg in it, does it!

Explosion!

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john carpenter

The Top 5 John Carpenter films

I love John Carpenter. What better way to praise the man than creating an agreeable and pleasing list.

This is a man that changed horror, promoted diversity and created classics within very modest budgets.

they live

Obey and read the following crud

John Carpenter’s music and art still inspire generations later. They might not know “They Live”, but they certainty conform and obey for some cool t-shirts.

I would have loved to have seen what a young John Carpenter could have created with a massive budget and the freedom to use it.

Yes, please hum your favoured John Carpenter track…. now!

On with the list!

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Hey It’s That Guy!

ANOTHER RECOGNISABLE ACTOR WHOSE NAME HAS COMPLETELY ESCAPED YOU.

I’m actually finding it really difficult to write this edition of “Hey, It’s That Guy!” as I should probably just post a photo and his name and then leave you to your own personal “A-ha!” moment.

You’ll look at the photo, say “Huh, I can’t believe I couldn’t remember this guy’s name!” and think of at least 3 films you’ve seen him in.

If you’ve seen any horror/sci-fi films over the last 40-50 years, you must know today’s “that guy”.

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A Review of every Steven Seagal movie ever

Scene – A very bland apartment block, not cheap, not expensive. Paper thin walls. Nice area, excellent travel connections and a school nearby if you’re planning to have kids.

Block of Cheddar enters the room at in incredibly slow pace. Squinting it surveys the room, mumbles a quip and flicks his ponytail. No really, I have no idea what the quip was, sounded like “iwillbruiseyouenvironmentmustbesavedbusinessisbad”.

Block of Cheddar is ‘at one with the earth’ because he’s a Native Indian, or Japanese or something, something, honour, that’s not made clear. Being Honourable also means he doesn’t really have to speak or be interesting.

(more…)

Hey, It's That Guy!

Hey, It’s That Guy!

What’s this post about?

So, you’re sitting at home watching a film and you shout, “Hey, it’s that guy!” then proceed to argue with whoever else is around you about the last film where you saw them.

Obviously, you can reach out for your nearest internet device and look them up on Wikipedia or IMDb, but you won’t, as you have no idea what their character is called. Basically, I’m preparing you to win future pub quizzes and game shows. (more…)

batman vs superman. please buy our stock

Batman vs Superman: A Masterclass in Advertising from HMV

For unexplainable reasons Retailer HMV SeNT ME an email, in a desperate attempt to sell me things.

Morbid curiosity got the better of me. I had to look at this advert.

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Bat Broken on PC

Full title – “Batman vs Superman: 5 Reasons we need to shill this product. Ye Gods! Please buy our stock!”

So here are HMV’s top 5 reasons to encourage me to buy the Blu-Ray… ok, what have they got?

1. It looks incredible…
Oh dear, not a good start. We can’t outright lie to you and tell you its ganna have a great story, but hey, it looks nice.

Quick! To number two!