Videogames

Planet Xerg has come under attack from the Beastoids. Oh, computer game plots.

Marvin the martian

The Great Game Statement of March

What do you mean it’s been quiet ’round here? I’m currently getting through The Last Guardian, lovely new Zelda, Torment and even Final Fantasy.

Unfortunately these games take over a year to review, especially as I’m not a fan of cracking premature opinions to a strict deadline. I know, it doesn’t help the clicks. (Note – need more clickbait). Wait, new Nier’s out already!? Wait, I don’t have advertisers to suppliant!

Good news! I have played lots of other games. Bad news. I’ve not had the ability to really get my teeth in them. Unsuitable for review purposes you might say. Could also say that most of them didn’t deserve the time.

It would be a shame for all that fantastic knowledge to go to waste. So let’s go through each and every one of them. In a paragraph or two. So c’mon guys, check out this hot take.

I don’t know what a hot take is. Why is it hot? Truth be told, it’s likely cold now.

C’mon guys, check out this cold take.

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Motorsport Manager

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

You prepare the cars, race the cars, and sing the cars theme tune.

Have you ever wanted to experience the giddy thrill of the motorsport management? No…No… Not the cool driving bit, the sitting in the office bit. I’ve no interest in car sports and even less interest in the management side of things. So we bellow from the rooftops, “why am I playing this game and will it send me full Ecclestone?”

That was it for car-themed references, we won’t try that again.

On with the review

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Elite Dangerous: Arena

Come one, come all. Welcome to the grand closure of a game mode I’d completely forgotten about.

I very much enjoyed Elite Dangerous, up until the time I didn’t. That wonderful apathetic feeling snuck up on me slowly like a cheeky, possibly green Thargoid* in an oversized stetson hat. I must confess, I didn’t visit Elite Dangerous: Arena, the all-action dogfighting spin-off. By all-action I mean, classic continually-turning spaceships attempting to get behind one another, in a glorious loop of attrition.

* A Thargoid isn’t a hemorrhoid cream, but the name of the aliens in the Elite universe.

Anyway, you can no longer buy Arena as a cheap standalone extra anymore. No players, playing, you see. As this modes redundancy arrives as we ask the more important question.

Why didn’t I love Elite Dangerous?

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Double Dragon IV

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Sometimes I look at a game’s file size and think, “wow over 500 MB. I’d love to see that crammed on a ye’ old cartridge! 90 hours of the finest midi music? Offph, just look at the size of that programming.” 

As a twinkly eyed youth I loved Dougle Dragnet and I’m unsure why there would be a direct sequel in 2017.

I hope the development team have taken note of all the lovely modern progress that’s going around.

Enough jibber-jabber, to the Review

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Watch Dogs 2

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

The following article was originally a comparison piece between Mafia III and Watchdogs 2, but that was about as interesting as the game Mafia III. Man, that got old quick.

My scrapped article had a great intro too, as I was standing on an incredibly cheap box, dishevelled in rags, screaming at passersby’s.

Oh well,

On to a standard ol’ review, this time with a light show!

Enter for Review: Light show not applicable

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Titan Souls

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VERSION

Shadow of the Nostalgic? Giant Shoes? Titanic Sods?

Shadow of the Colossus meets 2D Zelda with a magic arrow and a smattering of pixel art. Everyone loves those games! What could go wrong?

I’m tempted to answer this in a one word answer, but that wouldn’t be any fun would it.

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Nintendo Switch

Nintendo Switch: Coming soon to a home near you.

You sir! Oh yes, and you Madam! Are you interested in a new Nintendos?! Come, gather ye round, where I shall talk about nothing in particular, about a thing that isn’t out for a few months! Who knows ey’? WHO KNOWS?!

Can you taste that… it’s excitement. Excitement all over the shop! Oh, and the sound of a thousand keyboards duplicating carefully worded press-releases about a thing you can buy! See… I’m doing it right now. Blib, blib, blib… blob, blob, blob. Blib.

How exciting!

So we’ll talk about some boring facts before descending into opinions, shrugs and possibly, hope. Mostly shrugs.

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End of Year recap

The Grand 2016 Review Recap

We review the review? Sounds stupid. You might have a point…

It took me 3 attempts to get into Dark Souls. You could correctly argue that’s the games fault. You could even argue that’s my fault for not getting it. Whatever the reason I changed my mind about the game some time later.

Time is a better judge of character then a snap opinion.

Let’s get on with the recap!

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The InputError Award for Game of the Year 2016

“The final award of the year…”

PES 2017

Me Sir?

Lumpy applause.

“For the last time tonight, your nominees are: -”

“The Winner is…”

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InputError awards 2016 4

The REAL InputError Award for First Person Shooters 2016

“Before GamerDownStreet mysteriously disappeared he expressed the following.”

Huge overbearing applause.

“I wish to live in a world without conflict, a world where we can leave the front door unlocked. A world where I’m allowed into every bedroom! I believe! I BELIEVE this world is within reach! Your nominees are: -”

Devil Duh

Welcome to Doom

  • “Overwatch”
  • “Star Wars Battlefront”
  • Superhot
  • “Your Dooms”
  • “Your Titanfalls”
  • Shadow Warrior 2

    Shadow Warrior

    Looking good big guy.

  • “Battlefield 1”
  • “Battlefield Zero”
  • “Battlefield Alpha One Tangos Moondog X”
  • “Battleborn”

“This year’s best shooty-shooty game is…”

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InputError awards 2016 4

The InputError Award for best First Person Shooter 2016

“Without further ado”

Eggs applauding as they are squeezed from the chickens arse. They somehow clap as they roll towards the edge of the table. Screaming as they reach the edge, cracking in a gooey mess. Still they clap. They never stop. Please stop the eggs from clapping.

“Muh, nominees….”

  • “I don’t care”
  • “I don’t care”
  • “I don’t care”
  • “Call of that Duty”
  • “Cough “

“This year’s best first person shooter is…”

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Fruit Ninja VR

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VR

Ninjas come in many guises. This Ninja is a fruit Ninja. This Ninja is very silly. 

Blah, Blah Blah, words. Just have a looksie…

It’s the same ol’ Fruit Ninja cluttering up your phone, jazzed up and re-purposed for your VR pleasure.

We ask the important question… Does it work?

Swish

InputError awards 2016

The InputError Award for best Games Newcomer 2016

“Ha-HAH Dave, that’s right… to the next category. Who will win best new computer game of 2016?”

Intermittent applause, a man screams.

“Who likes the word IP? Or franchise? You people… Casually accepting corporate language…. What next, will you all “touch base?” I bet you all “do lunch”… You make me sick. And the nominees are… ”

Headmaster 3

Looks busy right?

“Pass me the envelope Dave….Look, just pass it… for fuc-… Hey now! AND the winner is…”

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karate kid

Faulstino’s Top 5 2016 Games Troll List

None of you have a gold plated gaming Jacuzzi. None of you matter.

Hello Little People, it is I. Faulstino Di Trickyshit. Football player, model and games entheusthac…Enthusth… Fan.

This years been a great year for me. Remember my calendar is available from all good stores! I’m particularly fond of March. Anyway, here’s a list of the best trolling efforts brought to you by the games industry this year.

Welcome to the 2016 Top Troll Games of 2016 in 2016.

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Tyranny

Tyranny

Not really SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Big wordy RPG? Oh no… This is ganna be a long ting innit.

When an ancient looking, sorry, classic Role Playing game is released in 2016, the simplest way to describe it is to reference Baldur’s Gate.

That was released over 18 years ago.

This is what happens when you grow up with games. So, for those that understand that incredibly old reference, skip to the review. If any of you young whipper-snappers have stumbled across this website by mistake, I’ll stick around and attempt to describe what an old-fashioned isometric RPG is.

Quickly.

No, there isn’t any video content… What do you mean you’ll just look it up on that youstubes. You young people, with your flashy comic-sans words, video content and hippidy-hop-scotch ways, not wanting to read things, grumble, grumble.

Tyranny gang

“So… In a dungeon again?”

You know Fallout 4 and Skyrim an’ that. Baldur’s gate is the 2D version. But better.

Rather than concentrating on beautiful vistas and slow-mo shooting, these crusty ol’ games had lots and lots of words, world-building and ideas. Some of them very silly indeed. I’m confident no RPG has come close to the original Fallouts low intelligence dialogue options. If you create a stupid character, named… erm…. “Rory Plopper”, you weren’t given a penalty to spell-casting or hacking emails. You’ve spawned a barely functioning, simpering idiot, hardly capable of speaking. Don’t you wanna play that game? Don’t you want to be Rory Plopper?

Bloody hell… even the intro was bloody long. Ok, let’s get on with it!

Skip to the Review!