The following is a true Rocket League story.
Swiftly followed by some thoughts on newly released mode Dropshot
No humans were harmed in the making of this post.
Planet Xerg has come under attack from the Beastoids. Oh, computer game plots.
I’ll begrudgingly waste my introduction on what ‘Berserk’ and ‘Musou’ things are. So don’t be afraid to skip ahead to the review. I’m going to make this as boring as humanly possible, you deserve it.
Musou is the title given to the Dynasty Warrior games and their many, many spin-offs. You take control of a powerful individual slicing through hundreds of soldiers to carry out objectives on a teeming battlefield. Nice. Sometimes you’re charged with dicing a particular enemy, or the most dreaded of missions in which you protect an idiot AI. Damn your eyes escort missions! These games are closely related to the side-scrolling beat em up of yesteryear. Mindlessly therapeutic. Not for everyone.
Berserk is a grim 1988 manga adapted to every other medium known to man, and is a direct inspiration for things you might already love. I’m pretty confident few people are reading this review without a passing knowledge of the source material; which begs the question, why are you reading this intro? I told you, this is for those without any knowledge of Berserk. Are you mocking me? Oh yes, it’s a big laugh for you isn’t it. ‘Look at him, wasting his time, explaining the things we already know’. Shall I dance now? Dance for your entertainment.
Sigh, anyway. Berserk tells the story of Guts the lone mercenary, and his sexy friendship with another man, and his mercenary group the Band of the Hawk. I’d suggest any newcomers watch the 2012 films, or original 1997 series. The game does a terrible job at digging into the story.
I’m tired now, and that was pretty boring. I’ll finish this tomorrow.
Do you like free thingys? Did you not buy any of the highly rated games of the year? Do you have spare time? Erm, good, I think.
Hidden away on it’s steam page is a small stand-alone Pathologic demo created by the excellently named Ice Pick Lodge. Your mighty test is to find the demo button. So, you can click here for the steam page… if ya’ want.
It’s a standalone experience, so knock yourself out.
The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is a game of discovery, secrets and surprises. So in essence, fuck the internet right now. It’s like the games media’s running a competition as to who can spoil the game in the most. They might as well start every article with ”ave you seen this, mate!”.
So indulge me as we enter none-spoiler valley, to peek at the most well received game of our time. Incidentally, I won’t insult you by explaining any story elements. Newcomers only need know this; you are the hero Link in the land of Hyrule.
Unfortunately these games take over a year to review, especially as I’m not a fan of cracking premature opinions to a strict deadline. I know, it doesn’t help the clicks. (Note – need more clickbait). Wait, new Nier’s out already!? Wait, I don’t have advertisers to suppliant!
Good news! I have played lots of other games. Bad news. I’ve not had the ability to really get my teeth in them. Unsuitable for review purposes you might say. Could also say that most of them didn’t deserve the time.
It would be a shame for all that fantastic knowledge to go to waste. So let’s go through each and every one of them. In a paragraph or two. So c’mon guys, check out this hot take.
I don’t know what a hot take is. Why is it hot? Truth be told, it’s likely cold now.
C’mon guys, check out this cold take.
Have you ever wanted to experience the giddy thrill of the motorsport management? No…No… Not the cool driving bit, the sitting in the office bit. I’ve no interest in car sports and even less interest in the management side of things. So we bellow from the rooftops, “why am I playing this game and will it send me full Ecclestone?”
That was it for car-themed references, we won’t try that again.
I very much enjoyed Elite Dangerous, up until the time I didn’t. That wonderful apathetic feeling snuck up on me slowly like a cheeky, possibly green Thargoid* in an oversized stetson hat. I must confess, I didn’t visit Elite Dangerous: Arena, the all-action dogfighting spin-off. By all-action I mean, classic continually-turning spaceships attempting to get behind one another, in a glorious loop of attrition.
* A Thargoid isn’t a hemorrhoid cream, but the name of the aliens in the Elite universe.
Anyway, you can no longer buy Arena as a cheap standalone extra anymore. No players, playing, you see. As this modes redundancy arrives as we ask the more important question.
Why didn’t I love Elite Dangerous?
As a twinkly eyed youth I loved Dougle Dragnet and I’m unsure why there would be a direct sequel in 2017.
I hope the development team have taken note of all the lovely modern progress that’s going around.
My scrapped article had a great intro too, as I was standing on an incredibly cheap box, dishevelled in rags, screaming at passersby’s.
On to a standard ol’ review, this time with a light show!
Do you like paying for things that don’t exist? Throwing money at an idea, surely not at the screen? If the answer is yes, than you sir, are in luck!
Here’s a couple of games you can theoretically pay for, right now!
Now updated with new words such as trust and failure.
Shadow of the Colossus meets 2D Zelda with a magic arrow and a smattering of pixel art. Everyone loves those games! What could go wrong?
I’m tempted to answer this in a one word answer, but that wouldn’t be any fun would it.
Can you taste that… it’s excitement. Excitement all over the shop! Oh, and the sound of a thousand keyboards duplicating carefully worded press-releases about a thing you can buy! See… I’m doing it right now. Blib, blib, blib… blob, blob, blob. Blib.
So we’ll talk about some boring facts before descending into opinions, shrugs and possibly, hope. Mostly shrugs.
It took me 3 attempts to get into Dark Souls. You could correctly argue that’s the games fault. You could even argue that’s my fault for not getting it. Whatever the reason I changed my mind about the game some time later.
Time is a better judge of character then a snap opinion.
Let’s get on with the recap!
“For the last time tonight, your nominees are: -”
“The Winner is…”
Huge overbearing applause.
“I wish to live in a world without conflict, a world where we can leave the front door unlocked. A world where I’m allowed into every bedroom! I believe! I BELIEVE this world is within reach! Your nominees are: -”
“This year’s best shooty-shooty game is…”
Eggs applauding as they are squeezed from the chickens arse. They somehow clap as they roll towards the edge of the table. Screaming as they reach the edge, cracking in a gooey mess. Still they clap. They never stop. Please stop the eggs from clapping.
“This year’s best first person shooter is…”
“‘Ello thar, I’ve taken’ over t’ ‘osting duties. Ey. Nominees be: – ”
Blah, Blah Blah, words. Just have a looksie…
It’s the same ol’ Fruit Ninja cluttering up your phone, jazzed up and re-purposed for your VR pleasure.
We ask the important question… Does it work?