What do you mean it’s been quiet ’round here? I’m currently getting through The Last Guardian, lovely new Zelda, Torment and even Final Fantasy.
Unfortunately these games take over a year to review, especially as I’m not a fan of cracking premature opinions to a strict deadline. I know, it doesn’t help the clicks. (Note – need more clickbait). Wait, new Nier’s out already!? Wait, I don’t have advertisers to suppliant!
Good news! I have played lots of other games. Bad news. I’ve not had the ability to really get my teeth in them. Unsuitable for review purposes you might say. Could also say that most of them didn’t deserve the time.
It would be a shame for all that fantastic knowledge to go to waste. So let’s go through each and every one of them. In a paragraph or two. So c’mon guys, check out this hot take.
I don’t know what a hot take is. Why is it hot? Truth be told, it’s likely cold now.
You prepare the cars, race the cars, and sing the cars theme tune.
Have you ever wanted to experience the giddy thrill of the motorsport management? No…No… Not the cool driving bit, the sitting in the office bit. I’ve no interest in car sports and even less interest in the management side of things. So we bellow from the rooftops, “why am I playing this game and will it send me full Ecclestone?”
That was it for car-themed references, we won’t try that again.
Come one, come all. Welcome to the grand closure of a game mode I’d completely forgotten about.
I very much enjoyed Elite Dangerous, up until the time I didn’t. That wonderful apathetic feeling snuck up on me slowly like a cheeky, possibly green Thargoid* in an oversized stetson hat. I must confess, I didn’t visit Elite Dangerous: Arena, the all-action dogfighting spin-off. By all-action I mean, classic continually-turning spaceships attempting to get behind one another, in a glorious loop of attrition.
* A Thargoid isn’t a hemorrhoid cream, but the name of the aliens in the Elite universe.
Anyway, you can no longer buy Arena as a cheap standalone extra anymore. No players, playing, you see. As this modes redundancy arrives as we ask the more important question.
Sometimes I look at a game’s file size and think, “wow over 500 MB. I’d love to see that crammed on a ye’ old cartridge! 90 hours of the finest midi music? Offph, just look at the size of that programming.”
As a twinkly eyed youth I loved Dougle Dragnet and I’m unsure why there would be a direct sequel in 2017.
I hope the development team have taken note of all the lovely modern progress that’s going around.
You sir! Oh yes, and you Madam! Are you interested in a new Nintendos?! Come, gather ye round, where I shall talk about nothing in particular, about a thing that isn’t out for a few months! Who knows ey’? WHO KNOWS?!
Can you taste that… it’s excitement. Excitement all over the shop! Oh, and the sound of a thousand keyboards duplicating carefully worded press-releases about a thing you can buy! See… I’m doing it right now. Blib, blib, blib… blob, blob, blob. Blib.
So we’ll talk about some boring facts before descending into opinions, shrugs and possibly, hope. Mostly shrugs.
We review the review? Sounds stupid. You might have a point…
It took me 3 attempts to get into Dark Souls. You could correctly argue that’s the games fault. You could even argue that’s my fault for not getting it. Whatever the reason I changed my mind about the game some time later.
Time is a better judge of character then a snap opinion.
“I wish to live in a world without conflict, a world where we can leave the front door unlocked. A world where I’m allowed into every bedroom! I believe! I BELIEVE this world is within reach! Your nominees are: -”
Eggs applauding as they are squeezed from the chickens arse. They somehow clap as they roll towards the edge of the table. Screaming as they reach the edge, cracking in a gooey mess. Still they clap. They never stop. Please stop the eggs from clapping.
None of you have a gold plated gaming Jacuzzi. None of you matter.
Hello Little People, it is I. Faulstino Di Trickyshit. Football player, model and games entheusthac…Enthusth… Fan.
This years been a great year for me. Remember my calendar is available from all good stores! I’m particularly fond of March. Anyway, here’s a list of the best trolling efforts brought to you by the games industry this year.
Welcome to the 2016 Top Troll Games of 2016 in 2016.
Big wordy RPG? Oh no… This is ganna be a long ting innit.
When an ancient looking, sorry, classic Role Playing game is released in 2016, the simplest way to describe it is to reference Baldur’s Gate.
That was released over 18 years ago.
This is what happens when you grow up with games. So, for those that understand that incredibly old reference, skip to the review. If any of you young whipper-snappers have stumbled across this website by mistake, I’ll stick around and attempt to describe what an old-fashioned isometric RPG is.
No, there isn’t any video content… What do you mean you’ll just look it up on that youstubes. You young people, with your flashy comic-sans words, video content and hippidy-hop-scotch ways, not wanting to read things, grumble, grumble.
“So… In a dungeon again?”
You know Fallout 4 and Skyrim an’ that. Baldur’s gate is the 2D version. But better.
Rather than concentrating on beautiful vistas and slow-mo shooting, these crusty ol’ games had lots and lots of words, world-building and ideas. Some of them very silly indeed. I’m confident no RPG has come close to the original Fallouts low intelligence dialogue options. If you create a stupid character, named… erm…. “Rory Plopper”, you weren’t given a penalty to spell-casting or hacking emails. You’ve spawned a barely functioning, simpering idiot, hardly capable of speaking. Don’t you wanna play that game? Don’t you want to be Rory Plopper?
Bloody hell… even the intro was bloody long. Ok, let’s get on with it!