None of you have a gold plated gaming Jacuzzi. None of you matter.
Hello Little People, it is I. Faulstino Di Trickyshit. Football player, model and games entheusthac…Enthusth… Fan.
This years been a great year for me. Remember my calendar is available from all good stores! I’m particularly fond of March. Anyway, here’s a list of the best trolling efforts brought to you by the games industry this year.
Welcome to the 2016 Top Troll Games of 2016 in 2016.
Big wordy RPG? Oh no… This is ganna be a long ting innit.
When an ancient looking, sorry, classic Role Playing game is released in 2016, the simplest way to describe it is to reference Baldur’s Gate.
That was released over 18 years ago.
This is what happens when you grow up with games. So, for those that understand that incredibly old reference, skip to the review. If any of you young whipper-snappers have stumbled across this website by mistake, I’ll stick around and attempt to describe what an old-fashioned isometric RPG is.
No, there isn’t any video content… What do you mean you’ll just look it up on that youstubes. You young people, with your flashy comic-sans words, video content and hippidy-hop-scotch ways, not wanting to read things, grumble, grumble.
“So… In a dungeon again?”
You know Fallout 4 and Skyrim an’ that. Baldur’s gate is the 2D version. But better.
Rather than concentrating on beautiful vistas and slow-mo shooting, these crusty ol’ games had lots and lots of words, world-building and ideas. Some of them very silly indeed. I’m confident no RPG has come close to the original Fallouts low intelligence dialogue options. If you create a stupid character, named… erm…. “Rory Plopper”, you weren’t given a penalty to spell-casting or hacking emails. You’ve spawned a barely functioning, simpering idiot, hardly capable of speaking. Don’t you wanna play that game? Don’t you want to be Rory Plopper?
Bloody hell… even the intro was bloody long. Ok, let’s get on with it!
Warning: May contain Zelda gameplay. Please get excited… Now.
Blah blah blah, just watch the video from 5:40 to jump to Nintendo Switch action. No, I won’t force you to click into the article to register your interest in the matter. No, I wont force you to read my pathetic account of the video, forcing you to you scroll to the bottom of the page to hunt down the juicy video available everywhere.
Hey GamerDownStreet? I SAID HEY! Sigh… He can’t hear me from up here. Let’s go down to the basement.
Right, you play that Fifa don’t cha’. C’mon, quickly now… Give me an intro.
Cough… There’s no questioning that I like Fifa, I have for the best part of fifteen years now and it’s the only football series I’ll ever play. We don’t play that Pro Evolution garbage round ‘ere, no way. I love that EA take the same formula and literally dust it off, repackage it and sell it to us like it’s brand new. If it ain’t broke and all that…
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine the pixel art computer game; but not really, wink.
How’s this for a piss-poor first day at work? You finally get that swanky promotion to base commander, only to witness the destruction of your beloved Federation. Those pesky uncommunicative murderous space aliens, always with the random acts of mass slaughter on your happy day. Anyway, I guess you’re the last line of defence, again. So… protect your space station and rebuild the Federation. No problem.
Hey, not the worst set up, is it? I had no idea the game was funded through Kickstarter or created in front of a baying early access crowd. It’s good to be patient.
I’m pleased to report they dodged the “cease and desist” letter from Paramount.
How many times can you say “It’s amazing sitting in this thing”, before a well deserved slap finds my face. Oh hum.
I can save you some time here. If you’ve already read the EVE: Valkyriereview, replace the word “spaceship” with “car”, jump to the score and nod approvingly.
Regardless I’ll try to keep it brief. These VR reviews are starting to congeal into a brown pool of review goo with the word immersive stuck in the top. Bit like the flake in an ice cream. An immersive flake.
Blimey, that games company that made that game finally said some things? Good.
The Foundation update you say? Hah… I thought the game had a fine foundations. The static universe, displeasing hype and the lack of meaningful pursuits harmed proceedings. At least 20-odd year old Elite Frontier had light piracy, rising through the military ranks and most exciting of all, being a spacebus.
Saying that, I didn’t hate No Mans Sky at all, in fact, quite the opposite and I’m excited by what the foundation update represents.
Dear friends, our collective hobby has grown at an expedited rate. Newly-formed mega-conglomerates pursue and concentrate on ergonomic facades that perpetuate perceived business opportunities in the digital entertainment sphere.
At times this creates perplexing methods which defy expectation or logic. – Oh… a Sangria. I do like a nice Sangria.
So, business practices of the… Hey, where did all this booze come from?
Multimedia conglomerates hold all the cards with the new digital fronti- You know, this rum will almost certainly need a few ice cubes. I’ll go grab some.
Erm, where was I?
Oh yeah, click more for a rant about modern gaming an’ that, whilst I consume the odd fruit juice or two. In fact let’s have a couple now, to loosen me up. Lovely, lovely, stuff.
Recently some of the contributors of Input Error went to the IMAX as part of the BFI film festival to see “DJ Yoda Does Videogames”.
A selection of video game soundtracks and games-inspired videos from the last 30 odd years on a gigantic screen? It was great.
Now thats-a-gots-us-a-thinkings. What are our favourite computer soundtracks?
I’m sure many of you will mutually smile, slap each other on the knee, and agree with a few of the choices below. Who knows, you might debate who’s massively wrong and why. Best keep that to yourself though.
He shoots! He pushes a button to simulate the feeling of scoring!
Earlier in the year I wrote a lengthy monotone retrospective on PES 2016 complete with thick eyebrows, slippers and a dour disposition. You could probably guess from the length and girth of the eyebrows, yes… I rather liked it.
Last year I considered PES 2016 the new benchmark in football based gameplay, and that warm feeling remains. In fact, a lot of what I previously mused still applies.
Oh no, ‘ere we go. Are you ready for it?
“It’s like last years, but a little better, kinda… cough.”
I mean, they only had 12 months to spruce the place up and 2 months of that was preparing for Xmas. This reviews a total waste of fucking time. Hey, why not click more?
Vix the master builder, Lloyd the turkey whisperer and some guy called Scott finally reach the end of their camping adventure. Yes, all of this really happened in game, in fact, I had to omit tiny details or we would have been here all day.
Does it end in an enviable bloodbath? Would they all survive the year? What will become of Gerald the gentleman monkey?
Some lesser people would use the term “exclusive” whilst bragging about technology other people haven’t had the privilege of messing with. Not us though, oh no. We would never stoop so low.
The following article contains exclusive revelations to hopefully excite you into a gibbering frenzy.
Apology – I wish to apologise for both the quality of the above joke and the duality of the incredible lie, as the following prototype has been around for 10 years. I’m both saddened and proud by such outrageous claims and the abuse of the general public’s ignorance on new technological matters. Thank you for your patience and please hit like, subscribe and give me money. I will lie again.
We have a new way of viewing the world around us with the introduction of affordable Virtual Reality. Now all we need is a new way to interact with these worlds.
Let’s talk Haptic controls.
So what the hell is a haptic-ma-jigger? Can it make me a cup of tea? What are you talking about? Why should I care about this thing? I don’t know what it is, can I buy one?