Short Game Reviews

Short game reviews, now with scores! Now, go on your way you cheeky scamp.

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Total War: Warhammer II

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Minor Skirmish: Toothpick 2

What happens when you merge an extensive computerised wargame with a boardgame thingy called Warhammer. Ya know, that thing with Elves and Dark Elves and Elves in stetson hats.

A high fantasy computer game… I guess. Blimey, I feel a long-ass review coming on.

Warhammer board game

Oopfh… Look at the detail on that. Image courtesy of ‘ere.

Oohh, Warhammer features vampires. Neat.

For those with little knowledge of both things, let’s sum it up. You’ve a bloody big map to spawn armies from and you’ll get to decide when to march your hard earned armies into real time battles. Rather than control a thousand individual units, they are bunched into squads. Top tip, spearman are pretty good against big fleshy horses.

Oh… I can’t actually play as a vampire clan. Only battle against them. Aw.

I appreciate the vision of the Total War games. Big sweeping epic battles. Big sweeping giant maps. Big sweeping bugs. Sometimes the visions simply too big and it crushes under it’s own weight. Regardless Total War games are nearly always interesting.

Now… how interesting is Total War: Warhammer II?

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Mario Odyssey

Super Mario Odyssey

SHORT REVIEW: NINTENDO SWITCH

I can confirm Calypso doesn’t seduce a mustachioed plumber for an unreasonable number of years.

Mario’s been around for over 30 years, which means there’s 30 years of terrible introductions to each game. Here’s another.

Odyssey is a continuation of the fantastic Super Mario 3D World on the horrifically dead Wii U. It was one of my favourite Mario adventures to date and such excitement can only lead to disappointment. Let’s hope not, ‘ey.

Let’s check out the platforming action in a three dimensional environment.

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Splatoon 2

SHORT REVIEW: NINTENDO SWITCH

Let’s mention the original Splatoon…. Hmm… Let’s say 7 times.

Did you ever read reviews of the original game?

You have? Don’t bother clicking more. I mean, the sequels more of the same. Have a nice day and good on ya. Mind how ya’ go.

Wait… you’re still here. Ok, here’s a description of the game?

Splatoon 2

Someones made a right bloody mess round ‘ere.

Hot from the wacky minds of Nintendo comes the sequel to one of the most inventive online shooters for years!

Transferring to the plucky Switch, Splatoon 2 changed things up by changing the focus from shooting the enemy, to covering the map in your chosen colour! Wowsers!

So how does the sequel change things up?

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Shadow of War

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Middle of that Earth: Shadow of that Wars: From that Lord of that Rings

I’ve spent many an hour in the land of Mordor and have had a wonderful time there, despite what the brochure said. The original game spawned a lengthy retrospective and I am unhappy to report that it included a rather vicious disclaimer. You see, the original games plot… was… let’s say… lacking. Hey, let’s hope I won’t have to do that again.

Once again we inhabit brave Ranger Talion with wraith body-roommate Celebrimbor and I’m pretty confident they’ll improve on the lacklustre story.

Let’s find out.

Disclaimer – The following introduction berates a creatively bankrupt team. Again. Light swearing applicable.

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Road Redemption

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

It’s like modern Road Rash they scream! “Yes”, you nod sagely. “Yes it is”.

Early Access is a strange beast. You can own the guts of a game for up to 2 years before an update appears out of the blue, and bing! You are now the proud owner of a shiny brand new game. Not sure on this term “Early Access”? … Why not check out the glossary.

rr3

Look. All I’m saying is some mudda’ is ganna get knocked the f…

Road Redemption encourages you to sit comfortably in the seat of a motorcycle, swinging shovels at fellow racers in anger.

It’s all rather exciting.

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Cuphead

Cuphead

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Cuphead had fans before anyone had the chance to play it. How do you temper mass wild expectations?

I’ll start by telling you what the game’s all about. Then I’ll descend into why I’m not a huge fan of this particular type of platform game; before I attempt to reconcile the rabid contractions whipping around in my mind. You might have to bear with me on this one.

The story is a simple one. Cuphead enrols in a soul collection scheme after being fooled by the devil. Does the gameplay match such fetching looks? Please shrug and read on.

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Heat Signature

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Aka. Warm Hancock.

I was keen to play Heat Signature the first time I come across it. It’s everything I thought it would be and ooh I’m bored of it now.

Yes. I know. One of those reviews. Please dismiss the following coherent thoughts.

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Nidhogg 2

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

I’m not saying everyone else is reviewing this game wrong…

What you will need for today’s review of Nidhogg 2: –

A copy of the game.

2 control pads.

A minimum of 3 like-minded friends.

An adequate supply of booze.

Preparation: –

Ensure your gaming area is sterilised and filled with pizza and/or chicken. Verbal game instructions are limited to “hold up on the pad, to throw ya’ weapon”.

I think we are ready to review Nidhogg.

Remember incoherence and bile are part of the charm.

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Greedy Guns

Greedy Guns

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Inspired by Gunstar Heroes you say? Metal Slug? A metroidvania shooter… Go on….

Oh dear Sir… I couldn’t possibly think of insulting you by explaining the above references. For those fresh to the genre, I believe in you. I believe in your ability to look things up.

Ever wanted to live your life as a red nosed mercenary, just like your favourite comedian on Red Nose day? Well now you can with Greedy Guns!

I could waffle on but I think you’ll probably know exactly what this games about with a single screenshot

Greedy Guns 3

Light shooting shenanigans.

Doesn’t that look lovely? Greedy Guns is a product of a successful 2016 Kickstarter raising the modest sum of £11,653.00. We must ignore such humble beginnings and ask the question of any game released on a computer system. Is it any good?

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Sonic Mania

SHORT REVIEW: NINTENDO SWITCH

Sonic Monomania

Sonic Mania is the natural continuation of the original 2D Sonic games from yesteryear. As the internet’s going crazy for the game let’s cut straight to it.

Is the hype and excitement warranted?

Yes.

If you grew up with fond memories of classic Sonic, you will derive much pleasure from this game.

you want to know more?

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Titanfall 2

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VERSION

Let’s play a game: Guess the word of the review

Once or twice a year I (secretly) take the plunge into the murky world of online shooters. I consider them throwaway experiences. Pop in. Shoot some people. Get called Noob before moving on. I seldom speak of this odd behaviour as I never spend enough time with these games to have a strong opinion.

Wait. Does this indicate a strong opinion?

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Behold the Kickmen

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Hot News Update: Man makes computer game of the sporting variety. 

I can’t think of a better way to describe the game then copy and pasting the Steam blurb. No, it’s not lazy! How dare you for thinking such a thing.

BEHOLD THE KICKMEN is a football game made by someone who has no understanding of, or interest in, what is affectionately known as “The Wonderful Game”. Start at the bottom of the Big Boring Football Spreadsheet and grind your way up to become the best at the football anyone’s ever seen.

The other, most important thing to keep in mind is the cheap, cheap price of £2.51? Gee-whizz!

Behold the Kickmen Warning

I do enjoy a good warning screen.

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Fast RMX

SHORT REVIEW: NINTENDO SWITCH

F-Wipeout Neo Superfast Racing Game: The GAME.

Fast RMX makes for a damn fine first purchase. For a start it’s a full game at the right price. Naturally, I didn’t really play it, as I’d also bought the more expensive Mario Kart. That’s the kinda game it is. Naturally ignorable.

Let’s put it in the spotlight.

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The Sexy Brutale

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VERSION

Nearly unlocked a platinum trophy by mistake? Blimey, I’ve played this game to death.

You wake to the same murder rich Saturday in the fantastical hotel known as The Sexy Brutale. You’ll find yourself tracking fellow guests attempting to influence their macabre fates. To stop direct meddling the guests masquerade masks angrily come to life, requiring you to keep your distance. To combat this you’ll need to peak through doors an’ prick your ears, just like you do in real life, every weekend.

Beyond the games many, many achievements I’m going to concentrate on its technical shortcomings, as I’m a total and utter bastard.

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The Last Guardian

The Last Guardian

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VERSION (No, not the ps4 pro)

Much like the game, this review has been fermented and released at exactly the right time. No, it’s not late!

ICO was interesting wasn’t it. A whole game of dragging a useless princess around…. I’m not sure we could make that game now. In this new age, the horned-boy would have to worry about what he’s grabbing. Blimey, was that really a game from 2001… Bloody hell everyone.

Shadow of the Colossus arrived in 2005 and has received enough praise it’s now on the cusp of becoming self aware. No, really. It’s dangerous to mention it more then once.

In the years of technical advancements since that game, how does the generation-dodging spiritual successor fare?

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That Zelda review now has a score, how terribly exciting

I acquired the game on release with wholesome bright-eyes and a whistle in my heart, before writing my initial thoughts a week later.

John Link

Do not let John Link near a pen.

A whole months dedicated play later, I finally feel comfortable in dishing out a score. Yes, you heard right, it took a month to fully absorb. That’s the kind of hard hitting hot-take you can expect around here.

Oohhh, what number did it get?

So, click here to skip directly to the review and nod. 

For those that have already read the review, why not skip directly to the score, and give an even mightier nod. If you disagree with said numbered score, please read through the word-parts for a full and frank explanation. If you are still troubled by the score afterwards, please register a complaint at the passing clouds, whilst shaking your fist.