Once or twice a year I (secretly) take the plunge into the murky world of online shooters. I consider them throwaway experiences. Pop in. Shoot some people. Get called Noob before moving on. I seldom speak of this odd behaviour as I never spend enough time with these games to have a strong opinion.
Hot News Update: Man makes computer game of the sporting variety.
I can’t think of a better way to describe the game then copy and pasting the Steam blurb. No, it’s not lazy! How dare you for thinking such a thing.
BEHOLD THE KICKMEN is a football game made by someone who has no understanding of, or interest in, what is affectionately known as “The Wonderful Game”. Start at the bottom of the Big Boring Football Spreadsheet and grind your way up to become the best at the football anyone’s ever seen.
The other, most important thing to keep in mind is the cheap, cheap price of £2.51? Gee-whizz!
Fast RMX makes for a damn fine first purchase. For a start it’s a full game at the right price. Naturally, I didn’t really play it, as I’d also bought the more expensive Mario Kart. That’s the kinda game it is. Naturally ignorable.
Nearly unlocked a platinum trophy by mistake? Blimey, I’ve played this game to death.
You wake to the same murder rich Saturday in the fantastical hotel known as The Sexy Brutale. You’ll find yourself tracking fellow guests attempting to influence their macabre fates. To stop direct meddling the guests masquerade masks angrily come to life, requiring you to keep your distance. To combat this you’ll need to peak through doors an’ prick your ears, just like you do in real life, every weekend.
Beyond the games many, many achievements I’m going to concentrate on its technical shortcomings, as I’m a total and utter bastard.
Much like the game, this review has been fermented and released at exactly the right time. No, it’s not late!
ICO was interesting wasn’t it. A whole game of dragging a useless princess around…. I’m not sure we could make that game now. In this new age, the horned-boy would have to worry about what he’s grabbing. Blimey, was that really a game from 2001… Bloody hell everyone.
Shadow of the Colossus arrived in 2005 and has received enough praise it’s now on the cusp of becoming self aware. No, really. It’s dangerous to mention it more then once.
In the years of technical advancements since that game, how does the generation-dodging spiritual successor fare?
I acquired the game on release with wholesome bright-eyes and a whistle in my heart, before writing my initial thoughts a week later.
Do not let John Link near a pen.
A whole months dedicated play later, I finally feel comfortable in dishing out a score. Yes, you heard right, it took a month to fully absorb. That’s the kind of hard hitting hot-take you can expect around here.
For those that have already read the review, why not skip directly to the score, and give an even mightier nod. If you disagree with said numbered score, please read through the word-parts for a full and frank explanation. If you are still troubled by the score afterwards, please register a complaint at the passing clouds, whilst shaking your fist.
How many issues can a man ignore? Before you call him a fan?
I’ll begrudgingly waste my introduction on what ‘Berserk’ and ‘Musou’ things are. So don’t be afraid to skip ahead to the review. I’m going to make this as boring as humanly possible, you deserve it.
Musou is the title given to the Dynasty Warrior games and their many, many spin-offs. You take control of a powerful individual slicing through hundreds of soldiers to carry out objectives on a teeming battlefield. Nice. Sometimes you’re charged with dicing a particular enemy, or the most dreaded of missions in which you protect an idiot AI. Damn your eyes escort missions! These games are closely related to the side-scrolling beat em up of yesteryear. Mindlessly therapeutic. Not for everyone.
Berserk is a grim 1988 manga adapted to every other medium known to man, and is a direct inspiration for things you might already love. I’m pretty confident few people are reading this review without a passing knowledge of the source material; which begs the question, why are you reading this intro? I told you, this is for those without any knowledge of Berserk. Are you mocking me? Oh yes, it’s a big laugh for you isn’t it. ‘Look at him, wasting his time, explaining the things we already know’. Shall I dance now? Dance for your entertainment.
Sigh, anyway. Berserk tells the story of Guts the lone mercenary, and his sexy friendship with another man, and his mercenary group the Band of the Hawk. I’d suggest any newcomers watch the 2012 films, or original 1997 series. The game does a terrible job at digging into the story.
I’m tired now, and that was pretty boring. I’ll finish this tomorrow.
You prepare the cars, race the cars, and sing the cars theme tune.
Have you ever wanted to experience the giddy thrill of the motorsport management? No…No… Not the cool driving bit, the sitting in the office bit. I’ve no interest in car sports and even less interest in the management side of things. So we bellow from the rooftops, “why am I playing this game and will it send me full Ecclestone?”
That was it for car-themed references, we won’t try that again.
Sometimes I look at a game’s file size and think, “wow over 500 MB. I’d love to see that crammed on a ye’ old cartridge! 90 hours of the finest midi music? Offph, just look at the size of that programming.”
As a twinkly eyed youth I loved Dougle Dragnet and I’m unsure why there would be a direct sequel in 2017.
I hope the development team have taken note of all the lovely modern progress that’s going around.
Big wordy RPG? Oh no… This is ganna be a long ting innit.
When an ancient looking, sorry, classic Role Playing game is released in 2016, the simplest way to describe it is to reference Baldur’s Gate.
That was released over 18 years ago.
This is what happens when you grow up with games. So, for those that understand that incredibly old reference, skip to the review. If any of you young whipper-snappers have stumbled across this website by mistake, I’ll stick around and attempt to describe what an old-fashioned isometric RPG is.
No, there isn’t any video content… What do you mean you’ll just look it up on that youstubes. You young people, with your flashy comic-sans words, video content and hippidy-hop-scotch ways, not wanting to read things, grumble, grumble.
“So… In a dungeon again?”
You know Fallout 4 and Skyrim an’ that. Baldur’s gate is the 2D version. But better.
Rather than concentrating on beautiful vistas and slow-mo shooting, these crusty ol’ games had lots and lots of words, world-building and ideas. Some of them very silly indeed. I’m confident no RPG has come close to the original Fallouts low intelligence dialogue options. If you create a stupid character, named… erm…. “Rory Plopper”, you weren’t given a penalty to spell-casting or hacking emails. You’ve spawned a barely functioning, simpering idiot, hardly capable of speaking. Don’t you wanna play that game? Don’t you want to be Rory Plopper?
Bloody hell… even the intro was bloody long. Ok, let’s get on with it!
Hey GamerDownStreet? I SAID HEY! Sigh… He can’t hear me from up here. Let’s go down to the basement.
Right, you play that Fifa don’t cha’. C’mon, quickly now… Give me an intro.
Cough… There’s no questioning that I like Fifa, I have for the best part of fifteen years now and it’s the only football series I’ll ever play. We don’t play that Pro Evolution garbage round ‘ere, no way. I love that EA take the same formula and literally dust it off, repackage it and sell it to us like it’s brand new. If it ain’t broke and all that…