The storm briefly subsides as the door opens wildly. Bundled through the long corridor we reach a small side room where two burly men swiftly move inside, planting the subject firmly in the chair. A smaller calm gentleman enters, nods and leaves. One of the burly men removes the hood and Joey Jo Jo winces under the glare of the singular burning lamp, she blinks and her calm demeanour instantly returns. One of the burly men snorts as they manhandle the door and exit.
She smirks a little and her icy composure returns. 2 hours pass before the door finally opens.
What if they update it again? Kingdom: Double-New Lands Two.
I had spent a lot of time with the original version of Kingdom and it wasn’t really worth talking about. A quirky little timewaster that I very much enjoyed. Wouldn’t go out of my way to recommend it to you. Couldn’t even be bothered to write a review first time round. It was a nice little game.
So here we are with, what’s very clearly an upcoming review of that dreary lil’ game with an update. You know what I’m doing right? I’m trying to alienate you. This isn’t a game for you.
Go on. Look at it.
Some horse thing an’ that
Not worth your time. Just some pixel-art horse, innit. Hop it sunshine, nothing for you here.
What happens when you merge an extensive computerised wargame with a boardgame thingy called Warhammer. Ya know, that thing with Elves and Dark Elves and Elves in stetson hats.
A high fantasy computer game… I guess. Blimey, I feel a long-ass review coming on.
Oopfh… Look at the detail on that. Image courtesy of ‘ere.
Oohh, Warhammer features vampires. Neat.
For those with little knowledge of both things, let’s sum it up. You’ve a bloody big map to spawn armies from and you’ll get to decide when to march your hard earned armies into real time battles. Rather than control a thousand individual units, they are bunched into squads. Top tip, spearman are pretty good against big fleshy horses.
Oh… I can’t actually play as a vampire clan. Only battle against them. Aw.
I appreciate the vision of the Total War games. Big sweeping epic battles. Big sweeping giant maps. Big sweeping bugs. Sometimes the visions simply too big and it crushes under it’s own weight. Regardless Total War games are nearly always interesting.
I can confirm Calypso doesn’t seduce a mustachioed plumber for an unreasonable number of years.
Mario’s been around for over 30 years, which means there’s 30 years of terrible introductions to each game. Here’s another.
Odyssey is a continuation of the fantastic Super Mario 3D World on the horrifically dead Wii U. It was one of my favourite Mario adventures to date and such excitement can only lead to disappointment. Let’s hope not, ‘ey.
Let’s check out the platforming action in a three dimensional environment.
Middle of that Earth: Shadow of that Wars: From that Lord of that Rings
I’ve spent many an hour in the land of Mordor and have had a wonderful time there, despite what the brochure said. The original game spawned a lengthy retrospectiveand I am unhappy to report that it included a rather vicious disclaimer. You see, the original games plot… was… let’s say… lacking. Hey, let’s hope I won’t have to do that again.
Once again we inhabit brave Ranger Talion with wraith body-roommate Celebrimbor and I’m pretty confident they’ll improve on the lacklustre story.
Let’s find out.
Disclaimer – The following introduction berates a creatively bankrupt team. Again. Light swearing applicable.
It’s like modern Road Rash they scream! “Yes”, you nod sagely. “Yes it is”.
Early Access is a strange beast. You can own the guts of a game for up to 2 years before an update appears out of the blue, and bing! You are now the proud owner of a shiny brand new game. Not sure on this term “Early Access”? … Why not check out the glossary.
Look. All I’m saying is some mudda’ is ganna get knocked the f…
Road Redemption encourages you to sit comfortably in the seat of a motorcycle, swinging shovels at fellow racers in anger.
Cuphead had fans before anyone had the chance to play it. How do you temper mass wild expectations?
I’ll start by telling you what the game’s all about. Then I’ll descend into why I’m not a huge fan of this particular type of platform game; before I attempt to reconcile the rabid contractions whipping around in my mind. You might have to bear with me on this one.
The story is a simple one. Cuphead enrols in a soul collection scheme after being fooled by the devil. Does the gameplay match such fetching looks? Please shrug and read on.
Inspired by Gunstar Heroes you say? Metal Slug? A metroidvania shooter… Go on….
Oh dear Sir… I couldn’t possibly think of insulting you by explaining the above references. For those fresh to the genre, I believe in you. I believe in your ability to look things up.
Ever wanted to live your life as a red nosed mercenary, just like your favourite comedian on Red Nose day? Well now you can with Greedy Guns!
I could waffle on but I think you’ll probably know exactly what this games about with a single screenshot
Light shooting shenanigans.
Doesn’t that look lovely? Greedy Guns is a product of a successful 2016 Kickstarter raising the modest sum of £11,653.00. We must ignore such humble beginnings and ask the question of any game released on a computer system. Is it any good?
Once or twice a year I (secretly) take the plunge into the murky world of online shooters. I consider them throwaway experiences. Pop in. Shoot some people. Get called Noob before moving on. I seldom speak of this odd behaviour as I never spend enough time with these games to have a strong opinion.
Hot News Update: Man makes computer game of the sporting variety.
I can’t think of a better way to describe the game then copy and pasting the Steam blurb. No, it’s not lazy! How dare you for thinking such a thing.
BEHOLD THE KICKMEN is a football game made by someone who has no understanding of, or interest in, what is affectionately known as “The Wonderful Game”. Start at the bottom of the Big Boring Football Spreadsheet and grind your way up to become the best at the football anyone’s ever seen.
The other, most important thing to keep in mind is the cheap, cheap price of £2.51? Gee-whizz!
Fast RMX makes for a damn fine first purchase. For a start it’s a full game at the right price. Naturally, I didn’t really play it, as I’d also bought the more expensive Mario Kart. That’s the kinda game it is. Naturally ignorable.
Nearly unlocked a platinum trophy by mistake? Blimey, I’ve played this game to death.
You wake to the same murder rich Saturday in the fantastical hotel known as The Sexy Brutale. You’ll find yourself tracking fellow guests attempting to influence their macabre fates. To stop direct meddling the guests masquerade masks angrily come to life, requiring you to keep your distance. To combat this you’ll need to peak through doors an’ prick your ears, just like you do in real life, every weekend.
Beyond the games many, many achievements I’m going to concentrate on its technical shortcomings, as I’m a total and utter bastard.