Short Game Reviews

Short game reviews, now with scores! Now, go on your way you cheeky scamp.

Thimbleweed Park

Thimbleweed Park

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

I completed Zac McKracken without a guidebook. You may bask in reflected glory… Now.

One of the gentlemen* who created one of my favourite games* of all time, has returned to the genre* he helped popularise. Thanks Kickstarter.

Guess I should review this really. I mean, I did throw money at the idea. For comparison I’ve put some of my 2014 thoughts about Broken Age at the end of review.

Ronald Gilbert* / Monkey Island* Point and Click Adventure games*.

(more…)

BERSERK header

Berserk and the Band of the Hawk

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

How many issues can a man ignore? Before you call him a fan?

I’ll begrudgingly waste my introduction on what ‘Berserk’ and ‘Musou’ things are. So don’t be afraid to skip ahead to the review. I’m going to make this as boring as humanly possible, you deserve it.

Musou is the title given to the Dynasty Warrior games and their many, many spin-offs. You take control of a powerful individual slicing through hundreds of soldiers to carry out objectives on a teeming battlefield. Nice. Sometimes you’re charged with dicing a particular enemy, or the most dreaded of missions in which you protect an idiot AI. Damn your eyes escort missions! These games are closely related to the side-scrolling beat em up of yesteryear. Mindlessly therapeutic. Not for everyone.

Berserk is a grim 1988 manga adapted to every other medium known to man, and is a direct inspiration for things you might already love. I’m pretty confident few people are reading this review without a passing knowledge of the source material; which begs the question, why are you reading this intro? I told you, this is for those without any knowledge of Berserk. Are you mocking me? Oh yes, it’s a big laugh for you isn’t it. ‘Look at him, wasting his time, explaining the things we already know’. Shall I dance now? Dance for your entertainment.

Sigh, anyway. Berserk tells the story of Guts the lone mercenary, and his sexy friendship with another man, and his mercenary group the Band of the Hawk. I’d suggest any newcomers watch the 2012 films, or original 1997 series. The game does a terrible job at digging into the story.

I’m tired now, and that was pretty boring. I’ll finish this tomorrow.

(more…)

motorsport manager header

Motorsport Manager

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

You prepare the cars, race the cars, and sing the cars theme tune.

Have you ever wanted to experience the giddy thrill of the motorsport management? No…No… Not the cool driving bit, the sitting in the office bit. I’ve no interest in car sports and even less interest in the management side of things. So we bellow from the rooftops, “why am I playing this game and will it send me full Ecclestone?”

That was it for car-themed references, we won’t try that again.

On with the review

Double Dragon 4 Header

Double Dragon IV

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Sometimes I look at a game’s file size and think, “wow over 500 MB. I’d love to see that crammed on a ye’ old cartridge! 90 hours of the finest midi music? Offph, just look at the size of that programming.” 

As a twinkly eyed youth I loved Dougle Dragnet and I’m unsure why there would be a direct sequel in 2017.

I hope the development team have taken note of all the lovely modern progress that’s going around.

Enough jibber-jabber, to the Review

watch dogs 2 header

Watch Dogs 2

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

The following article was originally a comparison piece between Mafia III and Watchdogs 2, but that was about as interesting as the game Mafia III. Man, that got old quick.

My scrapped article had a great intro too, as I was standing on an incredibly cheap box, dishevelled in rags, screaming at passersby’s.

Oh well,

On to a standard ol’ review, this time with a light show!

Enter for Review: Light show not applicable

Titan Souls header

Titan Souls

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VERSION

Shadow of the Nostalgic? Giant Shoes? Titanic Sods?

Shadow of the Colossus meets 2D Zelda with a magic arrow and a smattering of pixel art. Everyone loves those games! What could go wrong?

I’m tempted to answer this in a one word answer, but that wouldn’t be any fun would it.

(more…)

Fruit Ninja VR Header

Fruit Ninja VR

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VR

Ninjas come in many guises. This Ninja is a fruit Ninja. This Ninja is very silly. 

Blah, Blah Blah, words. Just have a looksie…

It’s the same ol’ Fruit Ninja cluttering up your phone, jazzed up and re-purposed for your VR pleasure.

We ask the important question… Does it work?

Swish

Tyranny

Tyranny

Not really SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Big wordy RPG? Oh no… This is ganna be a long ting innit.

When an ancient looking, sorry, classic Role Playing game is released in 2016, the simplest way to describe it is to reference Baldur’s Gate.

That was released over 18 years ago.

This is what happens when you grow up with games. So, for those that understand that incredibly old reference, skip to the review. If any of you young whipper-snappers have stumbled across this website by mistake, I’ll stick around and attempt to describe what an old-fashioned isometric RPG is.

Quickly.

No, there isn’t any video content… What do you mean you’ll just look it up on that youstubes. You young people, with your flashy comic-sans words, video content and hippidy-hop-scotch ways, not wanting to read things, grumble, grumble.

Tyranny gang

“So… In a dungeon again?”

You know Fallout 4 and Skyrim an’ that. Baldur’s gate is the 2D version. But better.

Rather than concentrating on beautiful vistas and slow-mo shooting, these crusty ol’ games had lots and lots of words, world-building and ideas. Some of them very silly indeed. I’m confident no RPG has come close to the original Fallouts low intelligence dialogue options. If you create a stupid character, named… erm…. “Rory Plopper”, you weren’t given a penalty to spell-casting or hacking emails. You’ve spawned a barely functioning, simpering idiot, hardly capable of speaking. Don’t you wanna play that game? Don’t you want to be Rory Plopper?

Bloody hell… even the intro was bloody long. Ok, let’s get on with it!

Skip to the Review!

FIFA 17 Header

FIFA 17: Kidnap Edition

SHORT REVIEW: XBOX VERSION

Hey GamerDownStreet? I SAID HEY! Sigh… He can’t hear me from up here. Let’s go down to the basement.

Right, you play that Fifa don’t cha’. C’mon, quickly now… Give me an intro.

Cough… There’s no questioning that I like Fifa, I have for the best part of fifteen years now and it’s the only football series I’ll ever play. We don’t play that Pro Evolution garbage round ‘ere, no way. I love that EA take the same formula and literally dust it off, repackage it and sell it to us like it’s brand new. If it ain’t broke and all that…

Let’s get to work

Halcyon 6

Halcyon 6: Starbase Commander

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Star Trek: Deep Space Nine the pixel art computer game; but not really, wink. 

How’s this for a piss-poor first day at work? You finally get that swanky promotion to base commander, only to witness the destruction of your beloved Federation. Those pesky uncommunicative murderous space aliens, always with the random acts of mass slaughter on your happy day. Anyway, I guess you’re the last line of defence, again. So… protect your space station and rebuild the Federation. No problem.

Hey, not the worst set up, is it? I had no idea the game was funded through Kickstarter or created in front of a baying early access crowd. It’s good to be patient.

I’m pleased to report they dodged the “cease and desist” letter from Paramount.

Let’s have a little chat

Driveclub VR

Driveclub VR

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VR

How many times can you say “It’s amazing sitting in this thing”, before a well deserved slap finds my face. Oh hum. 

I can save you some time here. If you’ve already read the EVE: Valkyrie review, replace the word “spaceship” with “car”, jump to the score and nod approvingly.

Regardless I’ll try to keep it brief. These VR reviews are starting to congeal into a brown pool of review goo with the word immersive stuck in the top. Bit like the flake in an ice cream. An immersive flake.

(more…)

O! My Genesis

O! My Genesis

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VR

Wait? I get to play God for £2.49? Seriously? Count me in. Hang on one second, what am I purchasing here? Why is it so incredibly cheap?

O! My Genesis consists of a tutorial and one level. O! That price makes sense. If the concept of a paid demo bothers you, this isn’t the purchase for you. Not even at the price of a luxury sandwich.

God games are tailor-made for Virtual Reality, but is a single level of O! My Genesis enough?

is it?

Knight Squad header

Knight Squad

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Have you ever suffered from anti-nostalgia? Remember old games you didn’t love?

Do you remember gauntlet? I do and I didn’t much care for it. No sir; not even on the swanky arcade machines, not even with 4 players.

Knight Squad appears to be from the ye ‘ol age of arcades. Can a rusty relic of an idea be improved upon in this day and age? Can my mind be swayed? Are these my feet?

Are they!?

valkyrie header

EVE: Valkyrie

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VR

Interesting fact: Casually remark to a friend that seldom plays computer games “Hey, would you like to fly a spaceship?” the majority will say “no”. What is the world coming to!

Hey you, yes you! Would you like to fly a spaceship?

Of course it’s a yes!

EVE: Valkyrie is the first proper full priced VR game I’ve acquired. Is it worth such considerable expense or is this just another short “experience”?

(more…)

headmaster header

Headmaster

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VR

I can confirm Headmaster is not a product intent on removing dead skin from your scalp.

Heading a football coming at you at pace has the potential to hurt. Luckily, within the world of virtual reality you can’t feel pain, yet.

An entire game based upon the concept of letting a football bounce off your head sounds like a great way to test Sony’s fancy-pants technology.

Where do we start then?

(more…)

Carnival Games VR Header

Carnival Games VR

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VR

Carnival Games VR practically screams 7 out of 10 doesn’t it.

Myself and Joey Joey Jo plan to enjoy a selection of mini-games designed to show off your shiny new VR experience.

We shall review each game individually, check to see if the technology works and ask the most important question, “is it any fun?”

Is it, punk?

Pro Evolution Soccer 2017

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VERSION

He shoots! He pushes a button to simulate the feeling of scoring!

Earlier in the year I wrote a lengthy monotone retrospective on PES 2016 complete with thick eyebrows, slippers and a dour disposition. You could probably guess from the length and girth of the eyebrows, yes… I rather liked it.

Last year I considered PES 2016 the new benchmark in football based gameplay, and that warm feeling remains. In fact, a lot of what I previously mused still applies.

Oh no, ‘ere we go. Are you ready for it?

“It’s like last years, but a little better, kinda… cough.” 

I mean, they only had 12 months to spruce the place up and 2 months of that was preparing for Xmas. This reviews a total waste of fucking time. Hey, why not click more?Party Hard

more – no, really

Playstation VR

Playstation VR Demo Disc

SHORT REVIEW – FROM THE TOUCHLINE – PS VR

Welcome to today’s game, Aldershot Town Vs Haberdashery FC

Kick off 3pm. Referee: Mr Tommy Squeaker.

“So Faulstinho Di Trickyshit, you’ve an incredible disposable income. You must have tried the ol’ Virtual Reality right?

“Put a fucky headset on my fucky head right? Yeah mate, I done all that. Messed my hair right up”

“Wow Faulstino, what a life, your hair looks great! Tell me more!” Kick off

Batman Vr header

Batman: Arkham VR

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VR

Who are you? Batman. No, really. I am him. 

The wonderful thing about most VR games is that they’re piss-easy to review, as you’ve finished them by the time you finished reading this.

So the ultimate question is…

… Is Batman: Arkham VR worth your money?

Also, how the hell do you give it a score?

Welcome to an exceedingly short review to match the length of the game.

ZOK!