Big wordy RPG? Oh no… This is ganna be a long ting innit.
When an ancient looking, sorry, classic Role Playing game is released in 2016, the simplest way to describe it is to reference Baldur’s Gate.
That was released over 18 years ago.
This is what happens when you grow up with games. So, for those that understand that incredibly old reference, skip to the review. If any of you young whipper-snappers have stumbled across this website by mistake, I’ll stick around and attempt to describe what an old-fashioned isometric RPG is.
No, there isn’t any video content… What do you mean you’ll just look it up on that youstubes. You young people, with your flashy comic-sans words, video content and hippidy-hop-scotch ways, not wanting to read things, grumble, grumble.
“So… In a dungeon again?”
You know Fallout 4 and Skyrim an’ that. Baldur’s gate is the 2D version. But better.
Rather than concentrating on beautiful vistas and slow-mo shooting, these crusty ol’ games had lots and lots of words, world-building and ideas. Some of them very silly indeed. I’m confident no RPG has come close to the original Fallouts low intelligence dialogue options. If you create a stupid character, named… erm…. “Rory Plopper”, you weren’t given a penalty to spell-casting or hacking emails. You’ve spawned a barely functioning, simpering idiot, hardly capable of speaking. Don’t you wanna play that game? Don’t you want to be Rory Plopper?
Bloody hell… even the intro was bloody long. Ok, let’s get on with it!
Hey GamerDownStreet? I SAID HEY! Sigh… He can’t hear me from up here. Let’s go down to the basement.
Right, you play that Fifa don’t cha’. C’mon, quickly now… Give me an intro.
Cough… There’s no questioning that I like Fifa, I have for the best part of fifteen years now and it’s the only football series I’ll ever play. We don’t play that Pro Evolution garbage round ‘ere, no way. I love that EA take the same formula and literally dust it off, repackage it and sell it to us like it’s brand new. If it ain’t broke and all that…
Star Trek: Deep Space Nine the pixel art computer game; but not really, wink.
How’s this for a piss-poor first day at work? You finally get that swanky promotion to base commander, only to witness the destruction of your beloved Federation. Those pesky uncommunicative murderous space aliens, always with the random acts of mass slaughter on your happy day. Anyway, I guess you’re the last line of defence, again. So… protect your space station and rebuild the Federation. No problem.
Hey, not the worst set up, is it? I had no idea the game was funded through Kickstarter or created in front of a baying early access crowd. It’s good to be patient.
I’m pleased to report they dodged the “cease and desist” letter from Paramount.
How many times can you say “It’s amazing sitting in this thing”, before a well deserved slap finds my face. Oh hum.
I can save you some time here. If you’ve already read the EVE: Valkyriereview, replace the word “spaceship” with “car”, jump to the score and nod approvingly.
Regardless I’ll try to keep it brief. These VR reviews are starting to congeal into a brown pool of review goo with the word immersive stuck in the top. Bit like the flake in an ice cream. An immersive flake.
He shoots! He pushes a button to simulate the feeling of scoring!
Earlier in the year I wrote a lengthy monotone retrospective on PES 2016 complete with thick eyebrows, slippers and a dour disposition. You could probably guess from the length and girth of the eyebrows, yes… I rather liked it.
Last year I considered PES 2016 the new benchmark in football based gameplay, and that warm feeling remains. In fact, a lot of what I previously mused still applies.
Oh no, ‘ere we go. Are you ready for it?
“It’s like last years, but a little better, kinda… cough.”
I mean, they only had 12 months to spruce the place up and 2 months of that was preparing for Xmas. This reviews a total waste of fucking time. Hey, why not click more?
Did any of you kindly upstanding people play the Shadow Warrior reboot a few years ago? It was pretty good. Before Nu-Doom stole all the party poppers and set off a one man conga line, 2013’s Shadow Warrior showed just how fun a simple ol’ fashioned gore em’ up could be. Who doesn’t like chopping demons into itty-bitty bits at top speed? Incidentally I’ve now retired the term “Nu-Doom”, so let’s not use that ever again. Ever.
So, review of a sequel ‘ey? How long before we fall deep into clichés and references to the original game…. Let’s try to avoid that, right? Right?
I do enjoy a nice isometric town with small people to bother. Let’s bother all the small people. Clicking their little heads. Go on, move… move on my command. Cue mighty laughter.
So you command a police force: The computer game. Wonderful. I really do enjoy these types or games and it’s been a while since I’ve played a decent one. Imperio…. isn’t that a make of car? What a rather silly name.
Ok, let’s talk about why this game pisses me off so much.
Kick Off Revival received a much needed update. Wait, has anyone played it since release? I haven’t. I wonder if they included any bloody game modes? Who knows, it might even be alright.
Hey, do you know when the game media becomes a gibbering wreck for certain games and can’t shut the fuck up about it. Lets see how one of those follow up articles looks when the games without any hype and the game is, in fact, quite shit.
Let’s talk about the forgotten Kick Off Revival. That’s a thing to do, right?
So what’s new? Is the game better? Does my hair look nice today?
Could this be the biggest indie game launch known to (no) man? Years of forthy build up and delays sent the general public into meltdown. Nah, not really. It was a few loud-mouthed people typing into the internet at great pace. I’m pretty sure more sensible game enthusiasts were happy to sit back and wait for the release, but that doesn’t make much of a story.
“Sensible crowd waits patiently for games release without resorting to hyperbole”.
That doesn’t have a good ring to it.
I’ve reached a cataclysmic PC crash situation stopping further exploration, so now’s a good time to talk about…
The hotly anticipated.
Wait for it…..
The flying around in a spaceship for reasons game.
Bears (Brian) Cant Drift: The Wacky Karting game for all you crazy kids.
Once upon a time, the world of gaming was awash with cute mascot kart games. As the years tumbled away, the innocent cynical cash grab of the cute mascot racer fell from favour. In the end, only Mario Kart stood tall with competitors shrugging their shoulders with hands in pockets, smoking around a fiery dustbin.
Let’s check out Bears Can’t Drift… I mean its got a great name and who doesn’t like bears? I do like a neat little karting game.
*Glasses precariously balanced on the edge of nose, whilst looking over the rim* Oh yes… a game called Party Hard you say. *Pushes glasses with index finger into correct position*. A game in which you take control of a small pixel art chap, running around a single screen clearing the party of its guests. Very well. Seems like the sort of thing you whipper-snappers would enjoy.
An incredibly short game deserves a brief review with humourless tagline. We’ve no time for this. C’mon, chop chop. On with it.
Wait… Just how short is Bulb Boy? it took me 98 minutes to save the day and I’d admit, I was in no rush to get to the end. Now I’ve conquered the world and stood upon its flaming ground, beating my chest, I instantly knew in my heart(s) I’d never return. Not even for a trophy or achievement, such is the nature of the point and click adventure game. Especially one without any apparent hidden depths.
Wanna look at some pretty pictures and skip to the score? Yeah, go for it mate.