Hey you crazy kids, but not with a Z.
Do you crave ‘dose tips, to stay cool with the kids? You wanna know what’s hot or not? You want that juicy clickbait?
You come to the right place as we dish out some top, top tips for the over 30’s who wanna stay super-radicool. No-one’s crying in the shower tonight, no-way hosay.
- Get on that snapchats, and put your face in it. Do the one with the puppy tongue; timeless.
- Place a single leg on quite a high wall, look long into the distance, before imparting true wisdom about how your youth was different to theirs. Don’t make eye contact.
- Sign up for breakdancing lessons and tell everyone! You don’t even need to go. The 80s will never die!
- Cultivate one or two whitehead spots, by rubbing a selection of lightly cooked, supermarket own-brand sausages on your face. Remember: Never cultivate boils! You old, old sod.
- Pretend you care about things.
- Get within an inch of a persons face and scream “Peng! You are a massive Peng! Oh yes, a Peng you are”.
- Claim to have a cracking hangover, as you went to that most excellent club and was dancing until daylight.
- Impress not just the young, but all with your outrageous boat sex stories, which are completely true.
- Buy a moped. Low of funds? Get a blonde cornrow!
- Always have an excuse ready for your disastrous crippled bowels. For example ‘Offph, that sinks blocked again’.
Before you know it, you’ll be popping the wheelies on the BMX’s with the kids in no time. Yes, you will. I’ll make sure. Even against your will. Get on that bike. GET ON! Smile. Go on, pretend to be happy. I don’t care about your back, just do it. Now sing for me. LOUDER! Yes, this is all good.