Suicide Squad

Super franchise! All your favourite heroes! Running around toget- wait, anti-heroes! A bunch of bastards running around together, doing things!

We got the best actors and CGI and no scriptwriters and the sexy outfits! Battles… YOU WANT BATTLES! We got all the battles. BANG! Franchise! All of your favourites appears, such as “shooting gun man” and “sexy lady!” The word “franchise”. This isn’t a film, it’s an event!

I don’t mind a nice brainless superhero film but, yes I said, BUT, Suicide Squad feels like a bloody long trailer, slickly packaged, to sell in 5 minute bursts.

suicide-squad team

Who, the, hell, are, these….. people?

Fuck me, the storyline was not a factor when creating this franchise. Already booked up for 4 sequels? We’ll do the story later, mate.

Evil woman makes a supergroup of criminals, to find the worst criminal in the group runs off, to do criminal things, requiring other criminals to stop her. That old chestnut.

I can’t wait for the day that Hollywood abandon “reasons”, so they could retreat to a nice 45 minute fight without context. It would make for a more pleasant watch. Maybe one of you clever chaps could edit out all delusional attempts of storytelling, although it would mean you have to buy a copy of the film. Sorry. Art does come at a cost.

Side Note – In the future, I can definitively confirm that superhero films will concentrate solely on fights and hardcore pornography. Much to the delight of me and other specialist fans. Let’s knock out our preconceptions and admit we are all filthy animals.

Will Smith is Boring Deadshot

Will Smith as Boring Deadshot

Bloody hell Will Smith drags down every scene. You could almost hear an audible groan everytime his grimacing face appears at the screen. Will Smith, with his inane insistence that every character he portrays “must have heart”. Even cold blooded assassins. Even to the detriment of the film.

Sexy Joker

Sexy Joker looking lovely.

Almost the opposite of that, we have Harley Quinn, which is one long excuse to display a nice arse. Yes, she’s crazy, but just look at that arse. There she goes, forever walking away from a shot. Wiggly, Wiggly.

Great actor, does a good job with what he’s given to work with, but sexy Joker sucks.

Who is he for? Is sexy Joker for impressionable schoolchildren? Will we see talking heads discuss how hot Joker was in 10 years time? With his abs and crazy love, cos loves crazy isn’t it. Joker is mad, love is mad, are you hearing me, it’s clever right? Fucking hell, it’s not just content to sell sex to schoolchildren, but it’s happy to promote abusive relationships as a “hot” thing.

Too many characters wasting their time on a story that makes no sense, relying on the cheapest tactics to keep you interested. At least it tries to have a bit of a laugh. It works far better then Superman weeping into Batman’s strong arms, as they discuss mothers.

Harley drinking

It’s funny cos she’ mad!

The film is unbelievably lazy. The hard work is turning flashy effects, big characters and obstacles into something that matters. Without it, none of the superficial whizz-bang and expertly crafted costumes matter. The film is living proof that chucking quirky characters together isn’t enough. It takes a deft touch to make the un-relatable world and characters, relatable. The great superhero films inspire you to root for these characters with subtle ideas, such as loss, pride or other very basic human emotions. It’s not a case of throwing in a small child and the supposed love of a parent, then fully expecting the audience to get on board the relatable train.

Sadly the elements of a half-decent film are in place but have been terribly mismanaged, as the cheapest, easiest payoffs are sought every-time.

Suicide Squad is a bunch of shittlebricks.

A film like this doesn’t really deserve a review, because it doesn’t respect the audience. It’s a film that knows critical acclaim won’t be visiting, so doesn’t even try. It will concentrate on showing off a nice arse with the simplest cinematic techniques, hiding behind known characters and flashy imaginary, because the advertising campaign worked.

Thinking about it, they were wise to make the film into a long trailer. Those trailers got bums on seats!

Shittlebricks

Shittlebricks

Shitty, shitty bums.