Assassins Creed: The Movie

I did not watch this film as I was playing the cripplingly addictive Motorsport Manager. The movie played in the background.

I refuse to look up the plot, characters or even basic details such as character names; all in the name of journalistic integrity, truth and possibly honesty.

I’m confident that watching the film at periodic intervals with a single eye, is the correct universal method of watching Assassin Creed. Please do not attempt this method with a Torment: Tides of Numenera, as such a game requires your full focus.

So, let’s get started with an in-depth review!

Indignant additional commentary by Joey Jo Jo

I’m pretty sure the film started without a bang. I can barely remember the introduction now. I recall Fassbender is very a naughty man, looking to enjoy the governments electricity in an official naughty chair. Soon he’s whisked away by a shadowy company, because all on-screen companies are shadowy. Yes, even Toys R Us. Especially the nefarious Toys R Us.  I’ve extensively played the games, so I was already aware that Abstergo is a very fine evil company name, run by the Templar organisation. Got a historical story? Need an insidious group? Bang! Templars. It was around this point that my interest had been taken by my mewing cat and I lost track of the nothing much going on. Secretly, I like to pretend that Fassbender did indeed die in the electric chair and the film had already ended. Oh, how I would love to see the packed cinema’s disbelief as the house lights flip on and the usher sweeps popcorn from underneath their feet.

Those bloody megaconglomerates ey’? Always stealing humans on the sly.

Hi, Joey Jo Jo here. I was paying slightly more attention to this film, but I was also somewhat distracted by an adventure games on my tablet. Hopefully I can fill in some gaps.

I heard the words Apple of Eden and mildly laughed at this plot point. The games themselves can’t be arsed with that anymore. Flimsy content used to give you pirates or Laandon, mate. Anyway, we are introduced to sexy lady scientist and her dad Jeremy Irons who heads up the bastard department.

Pretty much true. Although you also meet some assassins in Spain, 1492. They even repeat their mantra, or “creed” if you will. They talk about the Apple for a bit, promise to protect it. Fast forward to the present. Well, actually, Fassbender character’s childhood trauma, THEN the present.

assassins creed movie analmus

The Analmus

I zoned back in after the fantastic appearance of the fabled Animus and wondrous Bearded-Bender. The more exciting Spanish speaking Fassbender leaps around in the past, donning a cool hood like the silly sod he is. I wasn’t surprised to see the film sexed up the Animus, as shots of sleepy actors moving their eyes under their eyelids, tires the audience instantly.

The Animus – A machine that allows you to go back into your past lives with DNA memories. No really.

The ol’ timey action was exceedingly exciting with backflips an’ everything, which was a shame, as by this point I had a rather taxing race on the go. The actions very slick, but when isn’t it. I was mildly amused by the classic Assassins Creed wrist stabbers attached to the sleeping Fassbender, as he acts out the past in midair. What practical service do they serve? They should have replaced the daggers with wrist-spoons. You want a Fassbender on a stick, don’t you!

It was around this point I left the room to make a much needed cup of tea.

assassins creed movie

Sexy scientist blue backlit bathtime. Nice.

I don’t know why you’re pretending that you forgot Fassbender’s character’s name. It was Cal. I know this as Marion Cotillard started every sentence with “Cal.” “Cal, I know everything about you. Cal, I need your help. Cal, you are not a prisoner here. Cal, Cal, Cal.” This is forever cemented in my brain. Who was his ancestor? Was it Altair? Or everyone’s favourite, Ezio? Nah, we’re in Spain, so it’s Aguilar. Who’s Aguilar? Does it matter? No, no it doesn’t. I promise you, though sheer willpower, I somehow ignored “Cal.”

Another company manager, even more in charge than Irons, quite rightly points out they are all powerful, so they don’t really need a mind control apple. They’ve already won.

They said that? I thought they just couldn’t be arsed to pay for the Animus and the ridiculous “not a prison” research centre where they were keeping all those Assassins captive. In the end they wanted the magic apple to obliterate the Assassin order.  Wait… What? They have them all in a poxy prison? Why bother with this all? Just shoot them all, do it now. Do it before they escape and cause a right mess. I’m imagining a better film here.

This is a company that can steal crooks on death row and can casually invest in billion pound magic devices. Anyway. They go about inadvertently training Hero-Bender in the delicate art of murder for no real reason. Jeremy Irons does his machiavellian Borgia’s thing, and I spent 5 minutes imitating his “Cesare” voice. Much fun was had.

There is a female assassin in the film I think. Aguilar’s girlfriend, maybe. Some other blokes mill around a large evil canteen for some reason. Omar from the Wire shows up. Talking of this Aguilar, why wasn’t he the real focus of the story, you know, the cool assassin. The interesting bit.

Note – This film is 80% eagle shots.

Even with my limited interaction, I can sense that they really tried to tell this important story, bless ‘em. But inevitably they quite rightly give up to concentrate on the gadding around on rooftops, with mild stabbings and high kicks. By now my tea was at the perfect glugging temperature and my preparations for the next race were well in order.

This is probably a good time to start filling out your Assassin’s Creed bingo card. Eagles? Check. Someone falling into a hay bale? Check. Hoods? Chases over rooftops, Caldo Fassrissian jumping off something high? Smoke bombs? Doc Marion saying “synchronised” for NO reason? It was all shoehorned in, I appreciated this attention to detail.

assassins creed movie

See! I told you there was a woman!

Blimey, is that Brendan Gleeson? Top man, I hope he got a huge payday out of this. He was fantastic in, “In Bruges”. Go watch that.

Ok, back to whatever this film’s called. Blimey… I’m really struggling now. Erm. So Jeremy Irons sexy daughter is a top sexy scientist who invented the Animus, oh I said that already. Erm. She appears to have no real interest in taking over the world and, in my mind, is a bit of an arsehole to her lovely Jeremy Irons dad. I mean, this Fassbender bloke is a murderer sent to the electric chair, I’m not sure why you’d empathise with him (both their mothers were killed by Assassins). After all, her Dad backed her life’s work when others would have given up (that work cost like £3billion though, Daddy’s not made of money!); now that’s some fatherly support. Blimey he did a piss-poor job raising her, she didn’t even back-hand bitch-slap an employee.

bowl of fruit

Bowl of fruit

The ending is now a blur now. I’ll have to make it up.

Fassbender escapes with the daughter’s help, together with the other blokes. That’s a lie, you didn’t watch the ending and she did not help. Also there was a modern day lady assassin too that you’ve completely forgotten! I think she kicked someone in the face. Anyway, the assassins are kept in the same building for no real reason other to allow them to collude for a sequel. “You’ll destroy the Creeeeeeeed!” I can’t remember if Jeremy Irons dies, which I suspect, he might have insisted on, so he wouldn’t have to take part in a franchise. SPOILER: He in fact, dead, as this is the beginning of a crap sequel setup. If so, the daughter’s truly a terrible person. Fassbender creates the new Assassin order and the sequel languishes in development hell until everyone forgets about the whole endeavour.

That was fun. I recommend if you do watch this, please, make sure you’re playing an involved tactical games to to distract you from any potential story, action or acting. Any last words Joey Jo Jo? No.