Glossary

Not sure on gaming terms? Want to know the difference between DLC and Day one editions? Welcome to this pleasant, completely safe environment with a list of terms that you may find useful, especially in the ARTICLES TO FOLLOW.

 

Digital – Shit you used to hold in the real world. Now on a computer screen (See “Computer”). yes, you can even download books, games and possibly nuclear launch codes.

Analogue – Shit in the real world.

Internet – Our guide, friend, lover and magician. Wouldn’t it be strange if you didn’t know what the internet is… you’re on it now. How did you get here? What happened to you? Have you been frozen for a spell just to wake up this century? Bet you’re all kinds of surprised! I know, mobile phones are amazing. Remember, keep your head down and consult various 80’s movies on what to do next (the ideas been covered extensively in that time period). I recommend holding a “rad” party and possibly skateboarding where you shouldn’t.

Computer Games – Digital entertainment spanning different genres (see “Genres”)

Download – Acquiring documents via the magic of the internet.

 

Computer – Electronic Device used to take over the world.

Personal Computer (PC) – Your bloody ‘puter ‘innit.

Windows – The thing that runs your computer, and you’re ruddy stuck with it.

Linux – Like Windows but free and if you’re looking it up here, its not for you.

Mac – Ha! As if you can install games on it!

Console(s) – Your Megadrives, Xbox’s and Playstations.

Control pad – A device that interacts and controls consoles (PC’s too if you’re kinky). These devices have a thousand buttons to confuse newcomers and hopefully keep them away.

Joystick – A phallic object used for pretending to fly aeroplanes or space craft. Or the original method of interacting with a game, if you’re old enough to remember.

Mouse and Keyboard – Primary control device of the PC… hold on… you’re using one right now. Oh, you’re on your bloody mobile. Don’t get fresh with me, was just asking.

Remote Control – Nintendo’s Wii console opened the possibility to new ways of interacting with games, by waving a pointer at the screen, just like your television remote. Such a device encouraged people who had never had any interest in playing any games, to at least have a go. A hated device amongst hardcore gamers (please see “Casuals”)

 

Manual – Much like when you buy a lawnmower or gravy stirring device, most computer games used to come complete with a paper manual. A guidebook explaining how to play the thing. Before the internet took hold of all things, most games had various different and at times illogical controls systems or enough different button combination to control a small streamliner. Some flight sims had overlays to put over the keyboard, crazy times. Most games have replaced this with a…

Tutorial – replacing manuals a game will often have an in game guide of how to play it, with what buttons to push with a gentle introduction to what is now standardised control mechanics making the whole routine mostly redundant.

 

Casual Gaming – Some poor sod messing about on their phone (See “Mobile Gaming”), not likely to read this glossary and hated for showing an interest in your pastime.

Noob (or Noobie) – A derogatory term for an inexperienced games player. It should be a word of celebration, that a fellow human being has taken an interest in the thing you love. But no, a good majority of humans are terrible creatures. Especially when protected by the anonymity.

Mobile gaming – Playing games mostly from the early Nineties on your phone.

Hardcore gamer – A lunatic proudly giving themselves a title in a bid to impress no one.

Rage Quitting – Losing a game online? Just turn the fucker off!

 

Expansion pack – In the distant past, long before the internet, Expansion packs were physical purchases to greatly expand on a game.

Downloadable content – Using the internet to download extra content for your game. Like most good ideas this has been hijacked by greedy arsemonkeys who often build expensive content around downloadable content, some even going so far as to remove parts of the game to sell later. The swine.

DLC – Abbreviation for downloadable content, or to give its full title Disgusting Little Con (in most cases).

On disc DLC – Horrific cyber crime in which people can sell you stuff you already own.

Micro-transactions – Smaller downloadable content like buying a smart hat for your online character or Gems to quickly increase a statistic in a game. (please see “Easy Fatalities Coins”)

Day One Edition – Bizarre marketing in a desperate effort to encourage people to buy a game on day one. Will often include trinkets to entice the customer, only to be undermined by itself, in due course, by an edition of the game with all trinkets included. Often cheaper. Addition – You can buy Day One Editions after day one. Nonsense.

Complete Edition / Game of the year edition – After a game has milked the public dry via downloadable content and micro-transactions a version of said game is released with everything included, often saving you hard drive space and precious money.

Pre-Order – Suckers pre-order primarily for bragging rights or over-excitement. Yes, I too have been guilty of such a thing, damn you XCom 2, damn your eyes.

 

Free to play – A game which is free to obtain and generally includes many micro-transactions or DLC to make actual money.

Fee to pay – The same model as Free to play, in which a greedy bastards have decided to supply half a game for the price of a full game, expecting you to fill the gaps with micro-transactions . It’s like having your cake, eating it, before puking cake into the customers face.

Easy Fatalities Coins – Classic gore ‘em up Mortal Kombat’s newest release sells “easy Fatalities” for real life actual money. Instead of a complex input of codes to see the gory finisher you can input a single button press… if you can afford it, you casual scum. (please see “Casual”)

 

Steam – An online Shop front without quality control.

EA Origin – An online shop front headed by psychopaths obsessed with control and money.

EA Access – What appears to be an excellent monthly fee paying service, supplying a catalogue of games for a modest sum on EA Origin. Essentially a gateway drug to accepting EA’s specific online services with full control over your content, and additional excessive data gathering for dessert. EA will eventually change the deal Darth Vader style.

EA Access (detailed explanation) – A dealer selling crack to a child in an alleyway for an initial discounted price.

 

Developer (Game) – Teams or even a single human that makes games.

Developer (Software) – Teams or even a single hu- no… you figure it out.

Publisher – Mega corporate thieves.

Ubisoft – Mega corporate French thieves with twirly moustache.

Warner Bros – Mega Corporate thieves with lube and a bad temper.

EA – Mega corporate thieves with 12-inch handheld dildo and cowboy hat

 

AAA Games – A high quality game with no expense spared.

Indie Games – Low budget games made by small teams, or secretly a mega publisher churning out lower budget games under the term “indie”.

Early Access – You can buy an unfinished game and watch as your friendly game developer updates it every month before your very eyes! In theory an excellent practice that has improved games such as “Prison Architect”, “Invisible Inc”. and “Don’t Starve”. Has unfortunately given rise to corrupt practices, unfinished games, lies and tears. Must be approached with extreme caution or you may experience a “Godus” or “Towns“.

 

Hit Points – You have three hearts, you get hit. Now you have two hearts.

Game Over – After losing all your hearts, in the past the heartless game would put you back at the beginning, in an effort to drag more money out of your pockets. Now the arcades fall silent and death has lost it’s terror. Now losing all your hearts just puts you back a bit, costing you a little time. Unless you’re Dark Souls where it makes death the central theme of the game. The terror, it returns!

Experience Points (XP) – A pleasing numerical total that upgrades your player character when it hits an arbitrary sum. Like a charity barometer.

Level up – When you get 100 XP you can choose between several skills, such as pick-pocketing or jumping higher, or even expert waffle making.

Grind – Throughout a game you accrue experience points and level up. You might hit a wall and find enemies are too tough. So you beat up easy-peasy enemies over and over and over and over and over and over and over…. Grind. In many respects this is poor game design, as I don’t have time for this shit.

Farm – Like the grind but for enemies not experience points. They might drop ingredients such as Ore, Condoms or Sideburns.

Crafting – Making things in-game. But you’ll need ingredients from say, an ore vein or murdering a village of small innocent enemies to make hair growth juice.

NPC – Non-player character. Like some arsehole pedestrian begging to be run down in Grand Theft or maybe a sickly aunt in an arty game with 2 lines of dialogue (See “Genres:Arty Games”).

DNPC – Dependent non-player character. Some arsehole pedestrian begging to be run down in Grand Theft, but unable to kill as you need them for a bit of story, so when you hit ’em, they either do not move, or fly around but get back up like nothing happened; the swine. Or a sickly aunt in an arty game with 8 lines of dialogue and a weepy bereavement.

 

Bugs – Strange problems, comedy moments or annoyances within a game. Bugs generally ruin the moment or break parts of the game. For example, an in game character missing his head, or maybe a more severe problem like a character not speaking when it should, or disappearing completely. Think Elder Scrolls or more recently Assassins Creed or every other modern game ever.

Crash – Like a bug that stops progress, such as completely shutting down, pausing forever (hanging) or a game ending bug such as falling through the game world, forever. Like that bit in Inception where they’re stuck in limbo. Crashes lead to anger, hatred and a solemn promise not to buy a game on day one, until the internet confirms a patch is not required.

BSOD (Blue screen of death) – PC windows would often stop what its doing, to show a completely blue screen, with a load of pointless text. Almost certainty as you’re enjoying a game or doing important work that you cannot afford to lose. Not as commonplace these days. Or is it! Or is it!! Or IS IT!

Update – The delicate art of upgrading a game with new or improved features over the internet. For example a fight game may update to balance the game to stop prevent game-ruining tactics.

Patch – The delicate art of fixing a game of its bugs and crashes, with downloads over the internet. Imagine selling any product in any other medium that doesn’t work on the day you buy it. Oh yeah, we’ll fix it later, honest mate. You can understand why a PC game might suffer, as there many variables with software and hardware messing with a game. But on console? Go fuck yourself Publishers (See “Publisher”)

 

Pre Alpha – Very early in the game creation process, Pre Alpha is cobbling a load of ol’ shit together in a desperate attempt to make a fun game, mostly with string and blu tack.

Alpha – The barely working prototype is called an Alpha. The suckers making the game do internal testing to make sure the game doesn’t explode.

Beta – Before it hits the street, the suckers making the game have pretty much used all their string and blu tack, so it’s pretty complete, if not a tad messy. A period of polish, quiet reflection, severe panic and external testing happens around now.

Crunch – A form of modern slavery in which teams of humans are held against their will, to work up to 60 or 80 hours and week, to complete the software / game with an unfair deadline, as a rich boss frowns.

Open Beta / Alpha Test – Suckers who made the game, open the testing process to the general public. More recently this feels more and more like a marketing gimmick to get people excited, as most AAA Beta tests seems pretty complete (see “Early Access”).

Release Candidate – Game be finished, yo. Last thing to do is market the shit out of this and chuck it in all shop fronts. Also known as “Gone Gold” as games used to be chucked on physical discs for duplication, guess what colour those discs were.

 

Computer Bytes – Size of things an’ that, on your computer.

Kilobyte (KB) – A tiny amount of data. Think a wordpad document.

Megabyte (MB) – Small amount of data. Think a floppy disc, not a villain from a 90’s children’s show.

Gigabyte (GB) – Quite a bit of data. Think of your hard drive.

Terabyte (TB) – A large amount of data. Think of an expensive hard drive.

Petabyte (PB) – A ludicrous amount of data.

Floppy Disc – A cute, playful, tiny storage device.

Hard drive (HDD) – Comes in all sizes and connections.  Used to store all your computer gibberish.

Solid State Drive (SSD) – Like before, but a lot faster.

 

Artificial Intelligence (Ai) – Playing against the computer yeah, well that’s the Ai. They are getting forever more intelligent and tricksy. If in doubt, the password is always Joshua.

Bots – A computer controlled character running around making a nuisance of itself, usually with piss poor Ai.

Rubber-banding – In a racing game, when you get too far ahead, the computer cheats to create the illusion of a more satisfying race, by speeding up rival vehicles, or even teleporting them behind you, scum. Technically all it does, is annoy and reveals a lack of decent opponent Ai.

Permadeath – Main character gets shot in the face yeah. Game over. No retries, Seeya, yeah.

Random Level Generation – So it’s like a game level, that changes with each try. Like Spelunky or Pac-man after nibbling on acid.

Procedural Generation – Wot I just said, but fancy-like. Computer makes up a load of ol’ shit and chucks it on the screen. Like Minecraft or No Mans Sky, or even Worms from a hundred years ago

Seed – Bit like a plant. The Seed is the thing that sets out how the rest of the Procedural Generation will play out. Bit like when Stringer Bell sets up his drug deals.

 

GENRES

First person shooter (FPS) – From the perspective of the characters eyes wielding a giant on-screen phallic gun, shooting heavily on those who deserve it, until we all explode with excitement. Think Call of Duty or Call of Duty or even Call of Duty: The Long Voyage Home.

Walking Simulator – Much like the FPS but without the gunplay, concentrating mostly on story and exploration. Huge potential for boredom with our ever shortening attention mur. Think Dear Esther or ADR1FT.

Open World Game – Free reign to tackle story or activities within a place to explore. Sometimes with vehicles to steal. Think Grand Theft Auto or Hunter on the Amiga.

Role Playing Game (RPG) – Immersing yourself (mostly) in a fantasy world, enjoying a rich or clichéd story. Think Mass Effect or Baldur’s Gate.

Japanese Role Playing Game (JRPG) – Much like a role playing game but with “haircuts”, mostly long winded, poorly translated dialogue and angst. Sometimes even cross-dressing. So it’s ok. Think Final Fantasy or Shadow Hearts.

Dungeons and Dragons – Where a lot of this RPG stuff comes from.

Dungeon Crawler – Well, you know Dungeons… no, not that kind. A mostly fighty version of a RPG… like you used to get in the pub at the weekend. Bit more Dungeony though. Think Zelda or Dark Cloud.

God Game – A game in which you define and control the world, mostly with a finger. Think Populous or Reus.

Point and click adventure – A puzzle solving adventure, mostly played with a mouse.. which is the pointing and clicking at things bit. Think Monkey Island or Machinarium.

Driving games – A fantasy in which you drive fast cars you probably couldn’t afford, although at heart, hasn’t progressed beyond pole position on the Atari. Think Need for all that Speeds or Lotus Esprit Turbo Challenge.

Platformer – A jumpy jumpy game in which a little character slips around the world, mostly murdering people/creatures via gravity. Think any Mario, Flashback or Mr Nutz.

Shoot-em-up (SHMUP) – a dying genre in which you play an aircraft shooting enemies in a side scrolling/ top down scrolling environment. Apart from when you’re in space with a spaceship shooting things. Or something else. Think R-Type, 1942 or Space Invaders.

Beat ‘ em ups – Little bloke walking around a screen clubbing people around the head for no good reason. Think Final Fight, Golden Axe or Castle Crashers.

Fighting games – Kinda the same as a beat ’em up but without the walking around bit. V’s just one opponent with a load of special moves and controls to remember. Bloody nightmare. Think Street Fighter, Shadow Fighter or ClayFighter or any word you can think of and “fighter”.  Bilious Fighter.

Arty games – Not to be confused with actual art games in which you draw things. An Arty game, technically Arty-Farty game, tends to go for feelings, or walking, or making a grandiose point of some sort (please see “Indie”).