The previous list was so unpopular, I decided to do it again. That will teach you, you scallywags.
Behold! A jolly and informative list for those requiring money in the cut-throat world of music. Rejoice!
Find the heaviest and most popular thrash metal metal song and do your own version, with wind chimes and pan pipes for nice, safe, family-friendly, advert version.
Ensure the audience vibrate at the correct heavy bass frequency to encourage loose change to drop from their pockets.
Help out that hard working (frankly overworked) promoter by telling a single human being about your upcoming gig. Maybe put up a single poster outside the venue rather than bringing 5 friends (each paying a £5 entry fee) like the promoter demanded.
Give away your music for free! But to get it, demand home address, holiday plans and national insurance number.
Hire twenty trumpet players, 5 drummers and a tambourine man to assault your favoured bank, as you raid the safe. Remember earplugs.
Claim your band is fully organic.
Carve a band from parsnips, turnips but not carrots and have them dance, puppet fashion in time with your musical beat. Crowds will ensue!
Take out a small loan, hire out a prodigious venue, carry out a huge advertising campaign. You never know, you might fool the masses into thinking you’ve already made it and they’re missing out.
Speak to all other musical artists, agree to pull all music from the internet, tv shows, film, elevators… everything, everywhere. Watch how the humans flock back to you, see how they miss pleasing sounds and are willing to pay top dollar to have you all return, see the looks in their eyes when you whisper no.
Befriend a celebrity who will endorse the fucking din you’re making. Now go on, get the fuck off my lawn.