uncharted 4

Uncharted 4: Review Comparison

Like sexy criminals we broke the review embargo with the incredible gift of the imagination. Ok, I told, I told, a load of lies.

The review embargo curse has been lifted. 

Lets see how my disgusting fabrications check out against the gaming media reviews.

My ‘review’ is here for comparison. I violently insist you read it. My review score was a 9, noting set pieces, parsnips, cinematic pacing and all that other stuff Uncharted did before.

Shall we?

facebook - claw

Online Gaming: Hatred

Let’s hope the following jibber-jabber can give you’ll a small insight into why I can’t stand playing online games with people I don’t know.

Technically I should love online gaming, but it’s gone terribly wrong. People have a tremendous capacity to ruin good ideas. 

It could be any game but on this day I installed Left 4 Dead 2. By this day I meant yesterday. I hadn’t played Left 4 Dead in over 2 years and truth be told, I wasn’t very good at it in the first place.

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Nioh

Nioh

Nioh Alpha Demo2

Careful Now! Best do a runner against these 3 lads, just like real life ‘ey.

Demo Impression: PS4 Version

Should I say it or will you? Who will snap first… what’s the first thing you think of when you look at the screenshot?

Dark Souls: Japanese edition.

Now, consider that carefully. Does that sound like a bad thing?

Nioh is a fantasy adventure set in feudal Japan and you are a Samurai. Oh yes you are.

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uncharted 4

Uncharted 4: The Thief’s Big Parsnip

uncharted 4 yeah

Dynamic Duo! Terrible Twosome! Pair of Thieving Cunts!

SHORT FAKE REVIEW: PS4 VERSION

Please sit down in an oversized cozy chair as I regale you with some affable lies. YES! We shall review Uncharted 4 without playing it.

No, I didn’t manage to get a stolen copy, nice work crooks. Anyway, lets predict the gaming media’s reviews!

Uncharted 4: A Thimbles End begins with an bombastic intro. Taking cues from all your favourite Hollywood films, it explodes on screen with exciting set pieces and some climbing that you cannot fail.  (more…)

US politics

American Politics: Trump and Clinton

An in-depth examination of the two heavyweight candidates.

Some say that America as a whole is going through something of an IQ test, but this is a completely unfair point. It’s far more nuanced then reducing the matter to a simple disparaging sentence. The anger and apathy of the American population towards the ‘ruling elite’ allows for such a vacuum in power.

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A Review of every Steven Seagal movie ever

Scene – A very bland apartment block, not cheap, not expensive. Paper thin walls. Nice area, excellent travel connections and a school nearby if you’re planning to have kids.

Block of Cheddar enters the room at in incredibly slow pace. Squinting it surveys the room, mumbles a quip and flicks his ponytail. No really, I have no idea what the quip was, sounded like “iwillbruiseyouenvironmentmustbesavedbusinessisbad”.

Block of Cheddar is ‘at one with the earth’ because he’s a Native Indian, or Japanese or something, something, honour, that’s not made clear. Being Honourable also means he doesn’t really have to speak or be interesting.

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Sleeping Dogs

Sleeping Dogs: Definitive Edition

Sleeping Dogs: Definitive Edition

Wei too much fun.

RETROSPECTIVE: PC (ON RELEASE) / PS4 (DEFINITIVE EDITION)

Waking Cats. An exciting brand new open world game from four years ago, that was pretty good. Probably. I’ll be off then…

Not too long I got really bored of open world games. Bloody strange when you think about it. I got bored of possibility. The open world clones didn’t open the world far enough. Every game was content to change up the formula by a small increment. Again, very strange when you consider that you get to invent a whole new microcosm. A lil’ light bulb flashes above Mr Reginald GameMaker’s head before deciding… let’s make it just like all the others! Maybe chuck in a few mini-games or a tower to climb. I mean, you don’t really need poorly made bowling games in open world games. Very recently that’s changed with some outstanding game releases, including Orcs, Witchers and some Metal Gears, but not so long ago back in 2012 this little gem was released…

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Banshee

Banshee – 2013

TELEVISION REVIEW: Season 1 – Episode 1 & 2.

An unfair review based on two episodes of Season 1. Great fun was had by the writer.

The pilot episode of Banshee sets everything up nicely with great action sequences and a simple plot. I especially love the main character’s jaw. He looks like an even angrier Andrew Falkous chewing a whole pack of wine gums.

Andrew Starr

Antony Starr                                                                                                  Andrew Falkous

 Spoilers ahead, but the show’s 3 years old now, is it still a spoiler? Anyway, it really doesn’t matter.

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Enter the Gungeon

Enter The Gungeon

Got Gunegoned

Got Gungeoned

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I’m in love with Enter the Gungeon, it plays great, its replayable and I already know, even at this early stage, that I’ll regularly come back to it over the coming years.

But this is the internet. We can’t have nice things, so lets completely tear it apart. That’s what you want, isn’t it? You filthy internet scum, you disgust me.

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Superhot

Superhot

Superhot

Super get shot

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Super fop, Super mop, Super Cop starring Jackie Chan. 

I’ve played some amazing games that break the fourth wall in recent times. Stanley Parable, Undertale, Pony Island and now Superhot.

The Stanley Parable was ridiculously clever and very few games have ever made me laugh as much. Undertale is an incredible adventure that has heart. Both of these games are special and toyed with the relationship between player and creator. Playing Pony Island soon after Undertale…  juuuuust about got away with it.

Now we have Superhot… (more…)

Hey, It's That Guy!

Hey, It’s That Guy!

What’s this post about?

So, you’re sitting at home watching a film and you shout, “Hey, it’s that guy!” then proceed to argue with whoever else is around you about the last film where you saw them.

Obviously, you can reach out for your nearest internet device and look them up on Wikipedia or IMDb, but you won’t, as you have no idea what their character is called. Basically, I’m preparing you to win future pub quizzes and game shows. (more…)

Devil Daggers

Devil Daggers

Devil Duh

Welcome to Doom / Or a prog rock album cover

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Satanic Knife-set, Lucifer Shivs, Devil Chopsticks, Robert Duvall Digger.

Devil Daggers chucks you far in to the deep end. No tutorials, no guidance and a swift death.  You operate within a small space with Eldritch Monstrosities throwing themselves at you until you weep and run away. Or attempt to shoot them whilst running away, mostly running away.

Why… that could make for a rip-roaring fun time! (more…)

Hyper Light Drifter

Hyper Light Drifter

Hyper Giants

What do you mean they look creepy?

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Go on, look at it. Look at the lovely Pixels you pervert. 

I’ve kickstarted a fair few games in the past and knew actually what I was getting myself into. A tough, pixel art, top down exploring adventure. So what did we get?

A tough, pixel art, top down exploring adventure.

That’s good then.

Update – Score has been amended due to pleasing updates.

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Pro Evolution Soccer Keeper!

Pro Evolution Soccer 2016

Pro Evolution Soccer London Kebab Shop

The smell of meaty glory.

RETROSPECTIVE: PS4 VERSION

Do you like football? Do you like football computer games? Do you like ankles?  Do you like underwear combustion tablets? No reason, I’m just interested.

We don’t have much time. Let’s get into this immediately. The controls to PES 2016 are wonderfully contextual. No messing with special button combinations to flick the ball around the pitch, the passing’s crisp, the player AI’s superb, it looks great. Want to ping the ball across the pitch? Sure thing, Baines.

So there you have it, PES 2016 is the very best football videogame at this current moment in time.

Nothing to see here, move on