Do you like football? Do you like football computer games? Do you like ankles? Do you like underwear combustion tablets? No reason, I’m just interested.
We don’t have much time. Let’s get into this immediately. The controls to PES 2016 are wonderfully contextual. No messing with special button combinations to flick the ball around the pitch, the passing’s crisp, the player AI’s superb, it looks great. Want to ping the ball across the pitch? Sure thing, Baines.
So there you have it, PES 2016 is the very best football videogame at this current moment in time.
My jaw dropped with Star Wars Battlefront. It’s amazing. It looks bloody amazing. The sound, the setup, the Hoth. After enjoying the Beta I had seen everything I needed to see and enjoy. I didn’t need to revisit it, the only mode I may have continued to enjoy was the local co-op mode, but that was a bit of a mess, at least in the demo. My time with it was complete, balance was brought to my wallet.
Remember all, we do have a lovely glossary to combat the nonsense language to compliment the following computer game gibberish
Ye gods people, I’m outraged. Outraged, I say. Not only can giant publisher Warner Brothers sell you a completely broken Batman: Arkham Knight on the PC, but they can sell you a Linux port they don’t intend to release, forcing you to enquire for the refund yourself. You’ve pre-ordered nothing, nothing you fools! Keep buying promises from habitual liars. (more…)
Chocolate Reign, Chocolate Reign, riding through the glen, Chocolate Reign, Chocolate Reign, with its tiny men.
The spiritual sequel to Syndicate and Syndicate Wars… wait lets start that again.
The spiritual sequel to two of my favourite games of all time had been kickstarted to the tune of £461,333. Not the greatest sum of money ever raised. I hope they acquired additional funding. I mention this merely to expose what a triumph Satellite Reign is. (more…)
How to recommend tv comedy? Blimey, I don’t know what you like, how could I?
Sure, some universal comedic constants remain throughout cultures. We can all appreciate a small child being hit by a car on “You’ve Been Framed” or “Kids Do the Funniest Things”, or (what we now call) the Internet, but some other people might not enjoy it quite as much as you do.
Look into my eyes, not around my eyes, into my eyes
It was around 9.45pm and the night was very dark. The clouds were acting like an aggressive nightclub bouncer to the pale moon and the wind whistled its ominous tune. Not a jaunty tune, not like a showtune like the other night. (more…)
What the hairy pants is a Retrospective Review and Short Review? WHY DIFFERENT DAGNABBIT
Short Score Reviews are your typical reviews for when a game is released complete with lovely scores.
A retrospective will be something closer to an actual human playing and enjoying a game, y’know, for fun… like a normal human being does when its not reviewing things for other humans.
You know that game that was just released? Say Just Cause 3 or whatever other game you was all excited for a few months ago. I haven’t played Just Cause 3 (4 or whenever your reading this), but it’s already old. SO very old in game years (much like dog years). A couple of months is all it takes for no-one to even consider mentioning it ever again. What does that say about the outrageous buzz before its release?… the whooping pre-order masses, the rush to gather opinions on the day… only two months later it’s dead to the world. Will it appear in a top ten list at the end of the year? Who knows, right? No-one’s even considering it now because something else is just as exciting and will be out next month.
Does the score reflect the cruel judgement of time?
After the initial hype where numbers are thrown around excitedly, a retrospective review is a careful considered opinion given free from the hype hellscape. The kinda review that sees patterns in Football Manager in the style of the film PI. This might not be a healthy way to review anything.
What’s the point of a scoring short review?
To give an handy opinion at the time of release because no-one wants to waste money on a broken toy.
Is it possible to have both types of review for the same game?
What are you doing tonight?
I’m washing my hair. Now excuse me, this bath wont turn itself off.
Throwing a number next to some thoughts. Yep!
Seems like a pretty good idea to me.
All of our short reviews will have a numbered score to free you of reading obligations. What’s a short review you ask? We’ll try to explain that here, but only if you’ve been a good boy/girl/hamster.
We use the full scale of 1 to 10 here me-laddio. 5 out of 10 is average, because it’s in the middle. 7 is pretty good because its better than average. To reiterate 7 is NOT a bad fucking score, ok.
Now please enjoy this list of numbers ordered in a pleasing way, with some light explanation.
10/10 – Perfection does not really exist. Games given a little 10 are filled with magic. Such a thing will be remembered in the future, possibly worshipped by future civilisations long after we are gone. These are rare occurrences.
9/10 – Is an amazing game. Special, sincere, a new form of experience or something perfected. Why isn’t it a 10? It could easily be a ten, but we know a sequels coming and we need an extra number to show it’s a lil better. Lovely stuff.
8/10 – A great game that will resonate with you. A technical achievement, special idea or bathed in shiny game polish that will encourage favoured memories even whilst it gathers dust.
7/10 – A very good game that will delight for a good time. It might have a serious issue holding it back, or strange design choices. Possibly by a foolish and greedy company.
6/10 – An above average game, maybe with the odd great idea or concept, but missing something important, like polish or quality control. That or it’s merely good. If this was a disease it would be scurvy.
5/10 – Utterly Average. Fun could still be had from this. Some may even love this game if it tickles such personal perversions, but for most it will inspire a pleasant shrug. If this was a sandwich, it would be plain cheese without pickle, in the bread you dislike the most.
4/10 – Bland, missing a vital ingredient. Not a bad game, but not one that would be remembered.
3/10 – A very poor game indeed. Something went seriously wrong here. Although you never know, it might make you laugh, or it might have a decent idea poking around here. But its crap, yeah.
2/10 – A terrible game. I don’t think you can play this to even enjoy how crap it is.
1/10 – Dog shit with a broken control pad stuck in it. I’m hoping this score is as rare as the perfect 10… time will tell… time will tell.
For unexplainable reasons I don’t watch the Brits Award show. Thanks to the gift of social media I know that people who aren’t white people, didn’t appear to be nominated this year, unless you’re American.
Thinking back to a show I barely acknowledge, all the recent winners do appear to fit a theme; mostly white people playing at soul, possibly heartfelt on a piano, compliments a nice soap advert. This isn’t about them really. In fact I don’t blame the acts one bit, even if it’s not to my taste.
Outrageous Lego news as Marvel attempt military coup on small island in the pacific, also review of silly computer game follows
I absolutely love the Lego platform games. Smashing levels to bits is possibly some form of mild psychological issue, possibly acute toy-smash disorder. Indeed, a not-so-guilty secret, you might say. (more…)