Enter the Gungeon

Enter The Gungeon

Got Gunegoned

Got Gungeoned

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I’m in love with Enter the Gungeon, it plays great, its replayable and I already know, even at this early stage, that I’ll regularly come back to it over the coming years.

But this is the internet. We can’t have nice things, so lets completely tear it apart. That’s what you want, isn’t it? You filthy internet scum, you disgust me.

(more…)

Superhot

Superhot

Superhot

Super get shot

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Super fop, Super mop, Super Cop starring Jackie Chan. 

I’ve played some amazing games that break the fourth wall in recent times. Stanley Parable, Undertale, Pony Island and now Superhot.

The Stanley Parable was ridiculously clever and very few games have ever made me laugh as much. Undertale is an incredible adventure that has heart. Both of these games are special and toyed with the relationship between player and creator. Playing Pony Island soon after Undertale…  juuuuust about got away with it.

Now we have Superhot… (more…)

Hey, It's That Guy!

Hey, It’s That Guy!

What’s this post about?

So, you’re sitting at home watching a film and you shout, “Hey, it’s that guy!” then proceed to argue with whoever else is around you about the last film where you saw them.

Obviously, you can reach out for your nearest internet device and look them up on Wikipedia or IMDb, but you won’t, as you have no idea what their character is called. Basically, I’m preparing you to win future pub quizzes and game shows. (more…)

Devil Daggers

Devil Daggers

Devil Duh

Welcome to Doom / Or a prog rock album cover

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Satanic Knife-set, Lucifer Shivs, Devil Chopsticks, Robert Duvall Digger.

Devil Daggers chucks you far in to the deep end. No tutorials, no guidance and a swift death.  You operate within a small space with Eldritch Monstrosities throwing themselves at you until you weep and run away. Or attempt to shoot them whilst running away, mostly running away.

Why… that could make for a rip-roaring fun time! (more…)

Hyper Light Drifter

Hyper Light Drifter

Hyper Giants

What do you mean they look creepy?

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Go on, look at it. Look at the lovely Pixels you pervert. 

I’ve kickstarted a fair few games in the past and knew actually what I was getting myself into. A tough, pixel art, top down exploring adventure. So what did we get?

A tough, pixel art, top down exploring adventure.

That’s good then.

Update – Score has been amended due to pleasing updates.

(more…)

Pro Evolution Soccer Keeper!

Pro Evolution Soccer 2016

Pro Evolution Soccer London Kebab Shop

The smell of meaty glory.

RETROSPECTIVE: PS4 VERSION

Do you like football? Do you like football computer games? Do you like ankles?  Do you like underwear combustion tablets? No reason, I’m just interested.

We don’t have much time. Let’s get into this immediately. The controls to PES 2016 are wonderfully contextual. No messing with special button combinations to flick the ball around the pitch, the passing’s crisp, the player AI’s superb, it looks great. Want to ping the ball across the pitch? Sure thing, Baines.

So there you have it, PES 2016 is the very best football videogame at this current moment in time.

Nothing to see here, move on

batman vs superman. please buy our stock

Batman vs Superman: A Masterclass in Advertising from HMV

For unexplainable reasons Retailer HMV SeNT ME an email, in a desperate attempt to sell me things.

Morbid curiosity got the better of me. I had to look at this advert.

Broken batman

Bat Broken on PC

Full title – “Batman vs Superman: 5 Reasons we need to shill this product. Ye Gods! Please buy our stock!”

So here are HMV’s top 5 reasons to encourage me to buy the Blu-Ray… ok, what have they got?

1. It looks incredible…
Oh dear, not a good start. We can’t outright lie to you and tell you its ganna have a great story, but hey, it looks nice.

Quick! To number two!

Star Wars Hoth

The Ruinous Pursuit of Fidelity

old man

Why does he remind me of Herman Munster?

Hmm. Far we have come, INTRODUCTION WEAK YOU SAY.

My jaw dropped with Star Wars Battlefront. It’s amazing. It looks bloody amazing. The sound, the setup, the Hoth.  After enjoying the Beta I had seen everything I needed to see and enjoy. I didn’t need to revisit it, the only mode I may have continued to enjoy was the local co-op mode, but that was a bit of a mess, at least in the demo. My time with it was complete, balance was brought to my wallet.

So… the pursuit of sexy graphics

Broken batman

Microtransactions, Season Passes, Scum and Villainy

It’s not for you

Remember all, we do have a lovely glossary to combat the nonsense language to compliment the following computer game gibberish

Ye gods people, I’m outraged. Outraged, I say. Not only can giant publisher Warner Brothers sell you a completely broken Batman: Arkham Knight on the PC, but they can sell you a Linux port they don’t intend to release, forcing you to enquire for the refund yourself. You’ve pre-ordered nothing, nothing you fools! Keep buying promises from habitual liars. (more…)

satellite reign

Satellite Reign

satellite reign 2

Happy Day Trip

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Chocolate Reign, Chocolate Reign, riding through the glen, Chocolate Reign, Chocolate Reign, with its tiny men.  

The spiritual sequel to Syndicate and Syndicate Wars… wait lets start that again.

The spiritual sequel to two of my favourite games of all time had been kickstarted to the tune of £461,333. Not the greatest sum of money ever raised. I hope they acquired additional funding. I mention this merely to expose what a triumph Satellite Reign is. (more…)

15 Peeps High

Peep Show (2003) /15 Storeys High (2002)

Peep Storeys. 15 Peeps High. I’ll stop now

– Anyway, Two shows you may have missed

How to recommend tv comedy? Blimey, I don’t know what you like, how could I?

Sure, some universal comedic constants remain throughout cultures. We can all appreciate a small child being hit by a car on “You’ve Been Framed” or “Kids Do the Funniest Things”, or (what we now call) the Internet, but some other people might not enjoy it quite as much as you do.

(more…)

Wots the difference between: Short Review and Retrospective

What the hairy pants is a Retrospective Review and Short Review? WHY DIFFERENT DAGNABBIT

Short Score Reviews are your typical reviews for when a game is released complete with lovely scores.

A retrospective will be something closer to an actual human playing and enjoying a game, y’know, for fun… like a normal human being does when its not reviewing things for other humans.

WHY?

You know that game that was just released? Say Just Cause 3 or whatever other game you was all excited for a few months ago. I haven’t played Just Cause 3 (4 or whenever your reading this), but it’s already old. SO very old in game years (much like dog years). A couple of months is all it takes for no-one to even consider mentioning it ever again. What does that say about the outrageous buzz before its release?… the whooping pre-order masses, the rush to gather opinions on the day… only two months later it’s dead to the world. Will it appear in a top ten list at the end of the year? Who knows, right? No-one’s even considering it now because something else is just as exciting and will be out next month.

Does the score reflect the cruel judgement of time?

After the initial hype where numbers are thrown around excitedly, a retrospective review is a careful considered opinion given free from the hype hellscape. The kinda review that sees patterns in Football Manager in the style of the film PI. This might not be a healthy way to review anything.

What’s the point of a scoring short review?

To give an handy opinion at the time of release because no-one wants to waste money on a broken toy.

Is it possible to have both types of review for the same game?

Yes

What are you doing tonight?

I’m washing my hair. Now excuse me, this bath wont turn itself off.

 

 

Review Score Guide

Throwing a number next to some thoughts. Yep!
Seems like a pretty good idea to me.

All of our short reviews will have a numbered score to free you of reading obligations. What’s a short review you ask? We’ll try to explain that here, but only if you’ve been a good boy/girl/hamster.

We use the full scale of 1 to 10 here me-laddio. 5 out of 10 is average, because it’s in the middle. 7 is pretty good because its better than average.  To reiterate 7 is NOT a bad fucking score, ok.

Now please enjoy this list of numbers ordered in a pleasing way, with some light explanation.


S10

10/10 – Perfection does not really exist. Games given a little 10 are filled with magic. Such a thing will be remembered in the future, possibly worshipped by future civilisations long after we are gone. These are rare occurrences.

 


S9

9/10 – Is an amazing game. Special, sincere, a new form of experience or something perfected. Why isn’t it a 10? It could easily be a ten, but we know a sequels coming and we need an extra number to show it’s a lil better. Lovely stuff.

 


S8

8/10 – A great game that will resonate with you. A technical achievement, special idea or bathed in shiny game polish that will encourage favoured memories even whilst it gathers dust.

 


S7

7/10 – A very good game that will delight for a good time. It might have a serious issue holding it back, or strange design choices. Possibly by a foolish and greedy company.

 


S6

6/10 – An above average game, maybe with the odd great idea or concept, but missing something important, like polish or quality control. That or it’s merely good. If this was a disease it would be scurvy.

 


S5

5/10 – Utterly Average. Fun could still be had from this. Some may even love this game if it tickles such personal perversions, but for most it will inspire a pleasant shrug. If this was a sandwich, it would be plain cheese without pickle, in the bread you dislike the most.


S4

4/10 – Bland, missing a vital ingredient. Not a bad game, but not one that would be remembered.

 


S3

3/10 – A very poor game indeed. Something went seriously wrong here. Although you never know, it might make you laugh, or it might have a decent idea poking around here.  But its crap, yeah.

 


S2

2/10 – A terrible game. I don’t think you can play this to even enjoy how crap it is.

 

 


S1

 1/10 – Dog shit with a broken control pad stuck in it. I’m hoping this score is as rare as the perfect 10… time will tell… time will tell.