How many issues can a man ignore? Before you call him a fan?
I’ll begrudgingly waste my introduction on what ‘Berserk’ and ‘Musou’ things are. So don’t be afraid to skip ahead to the review. I’m going to make this as boring as humanly possible, you deserve it.
Musou is the title given to the Dynasty Warrior games and their many, many spin-offs. You take control of a powerful individual slicing through hundreds of soldiers to carry out objectives on a teeming battlefield. Nice. Sometimes you’re charged with dicing a particular enemy, or the most dreaded of missions in which you protect an idiot AI. Damn your eyes escort missions! These games are closely related to the side-scrolling beat em up of yesteryear. Mindlessly therapeutic. Not for everyone.
Berserk is a grim 1988 manga adapted to every other medium known to man, and is a direct inspiration for things you might already love. I’m pretty confident few people are reading this review without a passing knowledge of the source material; which begs the question, why are you reading this intro? I told you, this is for those without any knowledge of Berserk. Are you mocking me? Oh yes, it’s a big laugh for you isn’t it. ‘Look at him, wasting his time, explaining the things we already know’. Shall I dance now? Dance for your entertainment.
Sigh, anyway. Berserk tells the story of Guts the lone mercenary, and his sexy friendship with another man, and his mercenary group the Band of the Hawk. I’d suggest any newcomers watch the 2012 films, or original 1997 series. The game does a terrible job at digging into the story.
I’m tired now, and that was pretty boring. I’ll finish this tomorrow.
Do you like free thingys? Did you not buy any of the highly rated games of the year? Do you have spare time? Erm, good, I think.
Hidden away on it’s steam page is a small stand-alone Pathologic demo created by the excellently named Ice Pick Lodge. Your mighty test is to find the demo button. So, you can click here for the steam page… if ya’ want.
It’s a standalone experience, so knock yourself out.
This is a game where most reviews are rendered null and void, as they simply do not matter. Didn’t you see the word Zelda in the title?
The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is a game of discovery, secrets and surprises. So in essence, fuck the internet right now. It’s like the games media’s running a competition as to who can spoil the game in the most. They might as well start every article with ”ave you seen this, mate!”.
So indulge me as we enter none-spoiler valley, to peek at the most well received game of our time. Incidentally, I won’t insult you by explaining any story elements. Newcomers only need know this; you are the hero Link in the land of Hyrule.
What do you mean it’s been quiet ’round here? I’m currently getting through The Last Guardian, lovely new Zelda, Torment and even Final Fantasy.
Unfortunately these games take over a year to review, especially as I’m not a fan of cracking premature opinions to a strict deadline. I know, it doesn’t help the clicks. (Note – need more clickbait). Wait, new Nier’s out already!? Wait, I don’t have advertisers to suppliant!
Good news! I have played lots of other games. Bad news. I’ve not had the ability to really get my teeth in them. Unsuitable for review purposes you might say. Could also say that most of them didn’t deserve the time.
It would be a shame for all that fantastic knowledge to go to waste. So let’s go through each and every one of them. In a paragraph or two. So c’mon guys, check out this hot take.
I don’t know what a hot take is. Why is it hot? Truth be told, it’s likely cold now.
I did not watch this film as I was playing the cripplingly addictive Motorsport Manager. The movie played in the background.
I refuse to look up the plot, characters or even basic details such as character names; all in the name of journalistic integrity.
I’m confident that watching the film at periodic intervals with a single eye, is the correct universal method of watching Assassin Creed. Please do not attempt this method with a Torment: Tides of Numenera, as such a game requires your full focus.
You prepare the cars, race the cars, and sing the cars theme tune.
Have you ever wanted to experience the giddy thrill of the motorsport management? No…No… Not the cool driving bit, the sitting in the office bit. I’ve no interest in car sports and even less interest in the management side of things. So we bellow from the rooftops, “why am I playing this game and will it send me full Ecclestone?”
That was it for car-themed references, we won’t try that again.
THE FIRST (BUT DEFINITELY NOT THE LAST) LADY ENTRY IN ‘HEY, IT’S THAT GUY!’.
Every so often you’re flicking through TV channels and you come across a serious law enforcement drama. You know, like CSI or Law & Order. Or maybe NCIS. Or maybe NCIS Los Angeles. Then you notice that it stars LL Cool J & Chris ‘O Donnell. Where’s Chris ‘O Donnell been all this time? I’m not sure if I can take him seriously as a policeman or whatever NCIS officers are. Why does something explode in every single episode of this show?
Sorry, I got slightly distracted there. Hey, I recognise that lady playing his boss…
Come one, come all. Welcome to the grand closure of a game mode I’d completely forgotten about.
I very much enjoyed Elite Dangerous, up until the time I didn’t. That wonderful apathetic feeling snuck up on me slowly like a cheeky, possibly green Thargoid* in an oversized stetson hat. I must confess, I didn’t visit Elite Dangerous: Arena, the all-action dogfighting spin-off. By all-action I mean, classic continually-turning spaceships attempting to get behind one another, in a glorious loop of attrition.
* A Thargoid isn’t a hemorrhoid cream, but the name of the aliens in the Elite universe.
Anyway, you can no longer buy Arena as a cheap standalone extra anymore. No players, playing, you see. As this modes redundancy arrives as we ask the more important question.
Sometimes I look at a game’s file size and think, “wow over 500 MB. I’d love to see that crammed on a ye’ old cartridge! 90 hours of the finest midi music? Offph, just look at the size of that programming.”
As a twinkly eyed youth I loved Dougle Dragnet and I’m unsure why there would be a direct sequel in 2017.
I hope the development team have taken note of all the lovely modern progress that’s going around.
On the first watch The Big Short makes for a good impression.
With a second watch, in the age of gaseous hair mounds, the film’s quite prescient.
Making a film about the boring ol’ financial crisis is a potentially foolish endeavour, as we all have attention spans of spanners. No-one says the word spanners anymore. People used to say “that’s blokes a spanner”. I don’t know why being a spanner is a bad thing, I just know that it is. If you do decide to look up spanner pictures, my preference is those adjustable ones, you know the ones? Adjustable an’ that. Now that’s a very fine spanner.
“Things to watch due to the social and cultural insanity of today”.
I’m sure many of you would have missed this film, as typing “God Bless America” isn’t on your daily web browsing agenda. Maybe it is? I don’t know who’s reading this? Who are you people!
Is it lazy to reference similar things? Bah… Let’s be lazy. It will inform your peculiar tastes immediately. God Bless America has a touch of Kick-Ass, Network, Leon and, of course, Idiocracy. Plenty of people reference Falling Down as that’s the most obvious… Not us. Oh no, we won’t reference that!
Did that help pique your interest? Go on you naughty tyke, on your way, go enjoy the film. If you haven’t watched any of the above films…. You’ve got some work to do. You can always return later. Good luck.