It’s not for you
Remember all, we do have a lovely glossary to combat the nonsense language to compliment the following computer game gibberish
Ye gods people, I’m outraged. Outraged, I say. Not only can giant publisher Warner Brothers sell you a completely broken Batman: Arkham Knight on the PC, but they can sell you a Linux port they don’t intend to release, forcing you to enquire for the refund yourself. You’ve pre-ordered nothing, nothing you fools! Keep buying promises from habitual liars.
Fucking hell. That was some intro wasn’t it?
Modern gaming, ‘eh? What next? Selling you DLC ammo for your first person shooty-me-jiggers game, releasing tutorials as a full price game citing early access, shitting in your gaming hats!
ACTUALLY TAKING A DIGITAL SHIT IN YOUR TEAM FORTRESS HATS!
Strangely the game playing public are now quite at home with downloadable content being released on the day you buy a thing. You’ve just spent a minimum of £45 to have a game politely ram “you ain’t got it all mate” down your throat, why, it could be considered a pisstake. Or worse, having to unlock content that’s already on the disc you’ve just paid for.
Let’s repeat that. Buying shit you already bought.
You couldn’t do this in any other entertainment industry. Imagine buying a brand new film, only to find out you could purchase extra scenes whilst you’re watching it. Let’s not give them ideas, we’ve had enough special editions to last a lifetime. I suspect we are merely five years away from this desperate idea, directed by Zack Snyder.
Not too long ago the general public were up in arms about such devious practices. Such things don’t really cause much of a stink any more. Now buying Season passes for unknowable shit has become quite normal. Incorporating hideous mobile phone style microtransactions at every opportunity, with its stupid blue fucking magic gems that cost a penny or a pound, are still universally disliked…but doesn’t carry the correct amount of hatred as it once did. Grim acceptance.
Well disliked by you anyway, these fantastic offers are not for you. They are for the people journeying down the rabbit hole of gaming for the first time. The children growing up with mobile gaming, free to pay games, your FIFA packs, your sexy microtransaction outfits, maybe selling you the ending to a game (hold on.… didn’t Ashura’s Wrath do this already?). A new generation might not have a problem with paying for better ammo, or maybe even paying for ammo in the first place. You’ll be sitting in your wheelchair, remembering when the internet was all green fields whilst shaking your stick+1 at the youth of today, as they pre-order the newest game from Rockstar without knowing what it’s called or if it’s even a computer game. Rockstar’s Hair Touching Simulator 2018… doesn’t sound bad actually.. I’d pre-order that.
Side note – pre-ordering digital content… fucking hell. Can’t you wait 20 minutes for the Steam reviews to say “broken”?.. Then again if you didn’t pre-order, who would leave the Steam review in the first place… ugh, the horror, the circular horror…carry on.
I hope I’m wrong. I can see hope in the shape of smaller publishers forcing the old guard to the side. You’ve got the Paradox guys (Crusader Kings, Cities Skylines) catering to an audience the big boys deemed irrelevant. From Software (Dark Souls, Bloodborne) becoming huge by having a clear vision, and treating its audience as adults, without hand holding or where to go next arrows dominating the skyline and maps. CD Projekt RED (Witcher) being, not just nice to their audience, but giving real value for money, giving extra downloadable content for free, making the additional content worthwhile, making games with actual character, making games they want to play themselves rather than game design by a committee. The relatively new teams and publishers such as Devolver Digital and friends have bundled their way into the sexy party without an invite, with exciting new ideas mixed with old fashioned concepts, such as selling a full product without any nefarious concepts.
With any luck your Warner Brothers and EA’s would have to rethink their approach to
customers consumers or slowly diminish. You never know the crowd might finally speak with their wallets. The cruel part of my brain wants them to collapse, like a head on a pike, a warning to all not to mistreat audiences.
It likely won’t happen though, the evil CEO sitting in his evil CEO chair will likely be replaced by another evil CEO bank manager who claims to love the things you like, says all the correct things and slightly changes the formula just enough to inspire a few more pre-orders.
The scams of today are not for you, they’re for your children.