Nintendo have done it again. Share prices skyrocket, fatally injured children and people are once again collecting things, in a slightly mentally-unwell way.
Hit mobile game Pokémon GO (also known as “The Poke-mans” by the elderly) has taken the world by storm but we can exclusively reveal yet another damaging news story amidst it’s dark underbelly.
What dark underbelly you say? Oh…. wouldn’t you like to know.
Be warned. The following could chill you to the bone.
The now famous augmented reality game, (death toll 1) encourages humans to walk into oncoming traffic to catch virtual monsters, insidiously using that person’s GPS location on their phone.
Twenty year old man from Boston Jonas Kilkande confirms to us exclusively that he downloaded Pokémon a Go Go on a lazy Sunday afternoon. After finding 12 dead bodies and falling down several wells; Jonas had wondered into a Church after hearing rumours that the rare Jehovah Pokémon once appeared inside.
Jonas had gone missing for a few days, only to reappear outside of a K-Mart, rambling that he had “found the light but no Pokemon.”
We asked him what had happened and had the following to say.
“Gee-Wilikers Sir! I gots them, that-there, Pokemans game on ma’ phone and Tiny Dave told me about this ‘ere rare, catch-a-ma-jigger, hiding in the Church. That Jesus sure is a damn fine man I tells ya’. I had no idea he was the original Pokemon? Now I spread ee’s words somehow.'”
Jonas had been arrested as he didn’t fully comprehend “spreading words” and had improvised on the side of the K-Mart. Another victim of Nintendo.
Jonas parents were relieved he’s safe but distraught at what Pokémon Go had done to their beloved idiot son, as they gleefully shuffle a weighty pile of legal papers.
So far a Nintendo spokesperson has refused to comment.
In completely unrelated news, reports have surfaced that a previously peaceful biker gang have been causing havoc, doing donuts in local gardens in Milwaukee. Local man Jonas Milkgarde aged 21, mistakenly wondered into the Hell Bikers clubhouse last Thursday whilst hunting a Charizard, setting the bikers on their own destructive search. Mr Peters beautiful lawn will never be the same again.
We’ll keep you updated on further Pokemon News on the hour, every hour.