The Great Game Statement of March

What do you mean it’s been quiet ’round here? I’m currently getting through The Last Guardian, lovely new Zelda, Torment and even Final Fantasy.

Unfortunately these games take over a year to review, especially as I’m not a fan of cracking premature opinions to a strict deadline. I know, it doesn’t help the clicks. (Note – need more clickbait). Wait, new Nier’s out already!? Wait, I don’t have advertisers to suppliant!

Good news! I have played lots of other games. Bad news. I’ve not had the ability to really get my teeth in them. Unsuitable for review purposes you might say. Could also say that most of them didn’t deserve the time.

It would be a shame for all that fantastic knowledge to go to waste. So let’s go through each and every one of them. In a paragraph or two. So c’mon guys, check out this hot take.

I don’t know what a hot take is. Why is it hot? Truth be told, it’s likely cold now.

C’mon guys, check out this cold take.


Software Inc

A terrible, terrible little hellhole of an office. Perfect.

Software Inc

Create and design your own software company; what tremendous fun! Deep and involved you create a lil’ you, complete with skills and horrific defects. You lovingly hand craft your own swanky office and if so desired, fill the place with cheap and ineffective hires. Before long you’ve put together a fancy game engine to create your own series of hit games. It is around this time that you discover the systematic crippling debt, and panic breaks out as you scramble to find the ‘burn down building for insurance’ button. I suffered a fair few failures before realising the only solution was to grind loads of cheapo contract jobs, to gather an investment warchest, for such grand fanciful ideas.

A game that gives the illusion of free choice until you realise only a couple of methods work. Chalk this one up as an Early Access game with potential.

Verdict – A single piece of bacon attached to a bully’s fishing rod.


kenshi

What’s the first thing you do in games? Yes, that’s right. Breaking and entry.

Kenshi

I’d been playing this on and off for quite some time and I don’t think it’s ready for review. Bloody Early Access. An open world game that reminds me of an unfinished buggy Samurai Mount of Blade. Potentially epic in scope and forever improving. Still not worth a purchase. A real review will come one day. Note the use of that word potential again.

Verdict – A wisecracking haunted hat.


Lobotomy Corporation

Yes, the spider offspring are forever hunger.

Lobotomy Corporation

Great name, hard to describe. You hire employees to harness the energy of otherworldly monsters. So, erm, a monster management sim. False alarm everyone, turns out you can describe it. Mixing Fallout Shelter with hit film Cabin in the Woods is a novel idea. Unfortunately it’s a game in which trial and error is king. You can ruin the whole experience by looking up the profiles to each creature, so don’t do that. Unless the game bores you. Than sure, why not.

Verdict – A woolly jumper lost in a creek.


My Summer Car

Obtuse car repair and life simulator. The emphasis is on the the word simulator here. This definitely has a market and caters to your inner lifestyle guru, as you can flip people off and urinate on whatever pleases you (Offph, go on, piss on that rusty axle). I found the whole idea frustrating, but that’s because you have to make a real effort with this one. I mean, I couldn’t get the Van to start without looking it up. I’ll return to this one some day. Hopefully by then the game engine and controls would have been tightened up.

Verdict – 12 Apathetic Margarets


TavernTycoon

Get out, all of you! Also, we need a dance floor and disco ball. A medieval disco ball.

Tavern Tycoon

The more I played Tavern Tycoon the more I realised I wanted to simulate the great English pub, forget the medieval Tavern. No room or board here son, no fancy spa’s, gyms or even basic entertainment. Just a single overworked bar staff and the ability to kick everyone out as soon as humanly possible. Still, that wouldn’t make for a good game would it? Or would it…? (No, it wouldn’t).

It’s quaint, solid and well animated and you can tell that a real effort’s been put in, but again, it’s not quite ready. The whole things devoid of life, which isn’t great when you’re simulating pissed people. I rather like it and I feel that this is a game that could go somewhere. Oh Early Access, what a meddlesome concept.

Verdict – A freshly shaved mug with a gentleman moustache.


real politiks

I know this place….

Realpolitiks

A grand strategy game that’s light on Diplomacy, Economy and Ai. The best thing about the game is the loading screens. The only reason I’m chucking this one up is to comment on Early Access as a whole. This could be a great game, it really could. But right now it isn’t. You only have one shot at impressing people, so you better make it good. Have you seen how many games have been released this year alone? A poor review to an Early Access game could kill a game before it’s even started. Potential isn’t enough when Crusader Kings releases another polished DLC every few months.

Top Early Access games like Invisible Inc, Darkest Dungeon or a Rimworld were solid and playable on day one. Each month was a bonus, each addition afforded greater depth and complication. Quite simply some games don’t adhere to the monthly update model. Sure, a Tavern Tycoon can improve each month with an extra rooms or staff-member, but that’s a lot harder to do when you’re designing Earth’s governments. A Realpolitiks needs to get out of the blocks quickly, possibly armed with a hammer. Not asking for a pound after attempting to clean your cars windscreen with spit.

Verdict – A chipped mug with mutton chops.


Far Cry Primal

I’m sure this will end well.

Far Cry Primal

Hey, you can’t forget about the big budget games. You know Far Cry right? If you don’t, I’m sure you’ll enjoy this all the more, as it would radiate freshness. Ultimately a first-person caveman erm… shooter. Stick smasher?

I wanted to stick with this as I could recognise it’s pretty decent, but I couldn’t face that Ubisoft open world-e-ness, as I’d only recently played Far Cry 4. A beautiful game, with a great setting, and a tired predictable storyline. At some point I’ll return to enjoy it, but more time needs to pass.

Verdict – Alright, I guess. You do know Zelda’s out right?


Hospitalize

Twin nurses nattering. Where is this bloke’s other hand? Mucky, mucky bastard.

Hospitalize

This is what happens with you siphon away the Bullfrog charm from Theme Hospital. Inspired by Prison Architect, the floating characters scare me. The artwork haunts me. The real-life ailments trouble me. Why are they visiting my hospital? I don’t even have basic treatment rooms. Maybe everyone’s already dead, it would explain the floating and disconnected behaviour. No-one ever pisses themselves.

Riddled with bugs and missing features, it would be safe to assume I could use the words ‘buggy’ and ‘undercooked’ with a raised eyebrow, and you would nod in agreement.

So that’s that. I’m not looking at another Early Access game unless I hear bloody good things about it first.

Verdict – Year old biscuit in a hamster wheel.


Lastly… Coming soon.

BERSERK and the Band of the Hawk

A real proper review coming soon. Fans of Berserk would be pleased… If they like Dynasty Warriors anyway.

River City Ransom Underground

Again review coming soon. No really.

I’m looking forward to polishing off The Last Guardian, it really is a strange beast. So stay tuned for that… in around a month’s time.