Uncharted 4: The Thief’s Big Parsnip

uncharted 4 yeah

Dynamic Duo! Terrible Twosome! Pair of Thieving Cunts!

SHORT FAKE REVIEW: PS4 VERSION

Please sit down in an oversized cozy chair as I regale you with some affable lies. YES! We shall review Uncharted 4 without playing it.

No, I didn’t manage to get a stolen copy, nice work crooks. Anyway, lets predict the gaming media’s reviews!

Uncharted 4: A Thimbles End begins with an bombastic intro. Taking cues from all your favourite Hollywood films, it explodes on screen with exciting set pieces and some climbing that you cannot fail. 

Nathan Drake is his cocky, Indiana Jones meets Malcolm Reynolds self and oh, let me tell you, his character growth and story arc is majestic. Just like the previous Uncharted games. He’s older and wiser and groans a bit like Danny Glover, as his married and retired. Drake will say ‘I’m too old for this shit’ and Sully will roll his eyes, they will continue rolling, the coder has gone mad. Programming rolling eyes all day has finally caught up with staff member 8241 and the eyes will roll, roll, roll. Never ending. That bug will be fixed in a day one patch.

There are the other characters, like a brother, wife or something whateva’ and the bad guys are all great an’ that, but it’s the twist in the story that really steals the show. That big thing that happens, that ensures that you must pre-order Uncharted 4: The Nightman and immediately talk about it on the internet. We can’t have people not knowing, that you know.

Oh, the graphics look amazing, did you see the mud effects there? Amazing stuff, Sully’s moustache looks exactly like a real moustache. There are ruins to explore, an amazing fight sequence on the back of giraffes and a fully rendered bouncy castle. With a range of environments to tackle, It’s a satisfying to have nice wide open linear paths to encourage just the right amount of exploring, Uncharted 4: Thieving Sods keeps things chugging along at a fair pace and never becomes dull, as one minute you’re in Madagascar and next Drake is shrinking in size, being flushed down a toilet.

It’s safe to say that this is one of the best looking games on the PS4.

sully

Look at the detail on that Sully’s face, go on, look at it you bastard.

Uncharted 4: A Creeps Mend somehow improves on the previous game, also called Uncharted, by doing what it did before, in bigger better ways. Just when you think a set-piece couldn’t be topped, it does, accompanied by a sweeping musical score. You can drive a 4×4 Jeep in a thrilling action sequence, play an intense mah-jong mini-game and trim Sully’s backhair. Drake’s witty banter with the person he’s walking around with sounds natural and sets a new standard of interacting with other characters and the environment. The way Drake moves around, touching walls, stumbling past a chair, noticing that his tax return needs completing and when he’s in desperate need of a wee-wee. It’s impressive technology at work. In the past you’d watch an incredible cut scene and be amazed, now you’re the cut scene!

uncharted-waters-1-02

Uncharted erm.. no wait. What ‘in the holypants’ is this?

The gunplay and fightings just as wonky/solid (depending on your previous games experience and opinion) as you remember and this time Drake wears a hat and can spin around in little circles. You’re encouraged to manoeuvre around the battlefield making the experience fluid and contextual, as you punch and shooty shoot your way to a conclusion. Simply sitting behind a half sized wall doth not improve survival sir.

You can pick up a wide selection of weapons including a pistol, a rifle, erm;  gold pistols. Grenades are easier to use than in previous games, nice one grenades. You can shoot people whilst hanging from walls, sliding on things and using a zipline. Who sets up all these ziplines? The hand to hand combat is simplistic and flashy. You can pick up pistols, you can pick them up and shoot people. You shoot a lot of people. Doesn’t matter the ethnicity. You can shoot red things that explode. The enemies can’t help standing next to red things, must all be colour blind. You can also shoot things like vases and boxes.  Mostly vases though. That and people.

uncharted 4 action lies

Normal.

Look, it’s not much different from the previous Uncharted games. I guarantee there will be a big bloke that you can shoot in the head an unfeasible amount of times, before he dies and a witty line is uttered, as he bleeds out thinking of his children.

The co-op is fine, because with a good friend, you can even make slapping each others hands a fun game.

The online multiplayer mode is shit.

The only criticism I can make is that something about plot, something previous game, or excellent villain but terrible motivation for a character. Maybe framerate hiccups or a serious bug or two that will patched out in a week. A major criticism will exist. The ending might be crud but I doubt it. I suspect it would end nicely, maybe with some tragedy in the middle to spice the plot up.

Uncharted 4: Roman Bean Bath is everything you thought it would be and more. A fitting end to the series. Unless they really need to make more money. Would be mad not to make another Uncharted really.

9

The perfect action adventure game, in a review that I’ve completely made up. I bet I’m not far wrong though. Let’s see what happens when the review embargo’s are lifted. Wouldn’t it be amazing if Naughty Dog completely cocked it up though. 

The lies, the perishing lies. How do they fare against the so-called real reviews. Click here to check it out.