SHORT REVIEW – FROM THE TOUCHLINE – PS VR
Welcome to today’s game, Aldershot Town Vs Haberdashery FC
Kick off 3pm. Referee: Mr Tommy Squeaker.
“So Faulstinho Di Trickyshit, you’ve an incredible disposable income. You must have tried the ol’ Virtual Reality right?
“Put a fucky headset on my fucky head right? Yeah mate, I done all that. Messed my hair right up”
“Wow Faulstino, what a life, your hair looks great! Tell me more!”
So you gets a demo cd thing boxed with the Playstation VR. Throw it away! You wanna download the online demo cos its got a lot more fings on it.
Commentator – The referee signals for Kick off. It’s a bright and breezy day and it appears Di Trickyshit’s playing extremely wide today. Almost off the pitch. Oh dear, he’s already complaining to the linesman Clive.
Let’s start with Tumble VR, because why not! You pick up blocks with the move controller, make towers an’ that, shrug. I turned it off eager to get in a spaceship or somethin’. Later on I saw Charlie Davebester trying it out and I was a bit shocked when there were puzzles, throwing shit and Jenga an’ that. I’m not buying it though, not yet. Maybe later when I’ve played all the really good things, innit.
RIGS made me fucky sick the first time I played it, but I’m ok with it now. Kinda. It’s like training to travel into space, you have to practice at it. Did you hear? They stopped me from going into space next year! Fucky insurance reasons! Anyway…You’re in a big bloody robot, shooting things and playing 3 on 3 online sports. You know how much I hate sport, I mean, yeah sure. I get paid for it here. So, I like being in a giant bloody robot, but don’t like multiplayer. Especially for £43. Yeah, I can afford it, but it’s the principality of the thing. Oh bloody hell, one Sec.
Commentator – Deft touch of skill and a beautiful cross from Faulstinho Di Trickyshit!! His not been in the game at all, but what a moment of magic.
Right, where was I… Headmaster was great. Went an bought it right away. A game where you head a football for points. I never do the headings here, I mean it hurts. But in the comfort of your 2.4 million home it’s brilliant. You get a few people doings the multiplayers with you, have a few drinks, then a quick dip to the gold plated jacuzzi. Fantastic night. Yeah I know I get paid to do this, but Headmaster’s the nuts.
I quite like Playstation VR Worlds, even though its a demo disc on a demo disc. You go underwater an’ like, just look, which is nice an’ all, but fuck paying for that. Oh and you get to try some cock-knee shooting range thing, which is fun, but isn’t as good as Until Dawn, speaking of which.
Until Dawn: Rush of Blood is the one to show off to your teammates. It’s you, on a roller-coaster with guns and scares. Weird that a shooting gallery is one of the best VR thingys. Man, where’s Time Crisis VR already! I’m calling my agent.
Commentator – Nice one-two with Billyngton-Symthe and Di Trickyshit. Nice move there Clive.
Wanna fly around like in the Starsy Wars? EVE: Valkyrie pretty bloody amazing. Bit like Rigs it’s another online only game! I Faulstinho Di Trickyshit do not pay £50 to play with other people, I get paid to play with them! Fuck microtransactions for fifty fuckings quids! Not even to fly around in space! I can wait for the hype to blow overs, I bet Charlie Davebester will sell me his copy in a couple months time, nice and cheap like. It was an amazing experience though, I just want a proper, just me, no other bastard ruining it game. Excuse me whilst I throw this ball back into play.
You like tanks? Big bloody tanks? You might like Battlezone then. This time with 4 player co-op, I thought it was ok. I’m in no rush to spend £50.00 on that shit though. Funnily enough, you can play it just as well without moving your head-around, at least till the flying bastards show up.
Wait.. I know I played Wayward Sky. Erm. Was a point and click game with gimmicks? Saying that, it did have great VR moments. Ya know, like when you first saw a 3D film and the things jumped in your face. Looked ok. Bet it’s bloody short though! Nuffin’ about it screamed “buy me”.
Commentator – Oh no, Faulstino’s down! Kunte Katè really clattered him there! He limps off for treatment.
Ouch…. Bloody hell, Here They Lie made me feel not great. A horror game where you walk around very slowly with a crap control scheme. Let me turn my head quickly dammit. Impressive scary moments though. Not sure I want to go out of my way to own the bloody thing. The free demo of “Kitchen” and “Until Dawn” Does scary better and one of them only lasts 5 bloody minutes.
Leg feels a bit better now. Sigh, ok, I’ll go back, I guess.
Commentator – Brave lad that Di Trickyshit. He strides back on, what heart!
You can download short cartoons Invasion and Allumette for free. I highly recommend them to show off how amazing VR is for your mum. In the meantime, you best get Thumper and Rez Infinite. Maybe not right away, wait for a PSN sale, but they’re both bloody great. Similar in tone, you get great music, weirdy fucky visuals and an on-rails adventure. Slap on ya expensive Di Trickyshit sponsored headphones and enjoy. Hey, it’s simple, but I liked ’em.
Speaky of music. Harmonix Music VR was a surprise. Not a game or nothing, but it’s a lot of fun. My favourite part was making a load of stupid puppets dance to the demo track and scratching on the fake decks with my fake hands. Bloody tempted to buy it, but I’ve been busy visiting all the VIP rooms doing this for real. You can only dream son.
Commentator – Substitutes are warming up. Seems Di Trickyshit, yes Di Trickyshit is coming off for Robin Heatburger. A warm round applause for Faulstino. A shame he was pushed so wide on the wing.
Thank fuck that’s done, move over. Felt a lot like Job Simulator, which is a lot of fun. But I don’t wanna spend £24.00 on one long joke. At least, that’s what it felt like for the short time I was in it.
Lastly Driveclub VR. I’ve seen a lot of talk about how ugly this game is, but there’s still great immersivity son. No doubt better will come, but it’s pretty amazing to sit in the car and look around. Of course it won’t look as good as the original Driveclub! I mean, c’mon people. Judge it on it’s own merits! I fucky will! Anyway, I’d rather play the demo a few more times, then chuck £30 on a game I already own and looks far sexier. Hah! Judged the fuck outta that.
There you go. All in all, an excellent Demo disc. I would never had paid for Headmaster if I didn’t get the chance to try before buying. I was hugely tempted to purchase the Tumbles and Thumpers. In fact, I still might after I return from Prague for my hair extensions. Whilst the big full paid experiences seem like an overpriced online piss-take, I haff to say, they were bloody amazing. Patience is key my friend, wait for a sale. Like me, Faulstino “Patience” Di Trickyshit. Oh yes, that Colombian model going out with my best friend and teammate, will be mine. Oh yes, patience is key. Now fucky off son, I need a shower.
Commentator – Chances were had by both sides, but it’s a stalemate. Back to the studio Clive. Oh and my personal favourite Clive? “The Playroom VR” which is free. At the end of the day, you can’t lose with free.
Score: 0 – 0
Man of the Match: Dash Rider