14th September 2016

New York Observations

Idiot musings of a Londoner wandering the streets in some form of gigantic apple.

Hooray! So I went to that Americos, the Land of the Free an’ that. It was fun. How does it compare to sunny, upbeat cheery London?

Would you like a fantastic and exciting list on my findings?

The following contains some facts, some advice and some light winking.

Essential knowledge. Do your best not to get viciously mowed down by a classic yellow taxi. Brilliantly, traffic and humans share a symbiotic relationship, where left turning vehicles patiently wait for the fleshy humans to cross the road, whilst the pedestrian sign turns white for “walk”. Rule of thumb. In a fight, the large speeding metal objects will always win. Oh yes, the taxis in New York are carefully filth encrusted for your pleasure. Lovely stuff.
“Oh boy”
New York has a better class of old decrepit man. With a lack of medical care for the weakest and elderly in their society, New York enjoys a wide array of ailments and untreated walks. London simply cannot compete.
Poor ol’ sod.
Sadly the image of the “jerk” New Yorker is a bit of a lie. The natives were charming and interesting. A terrible shame.
YA JERK!
Within half a minute of leaving JFK airport a charming man appears from behind a concrete pillar. You can always trust a man appearing from behind things. He smoothly explains the excellent cab service he can provide and refuses to provide a quote. He says he will tell us as we check out his classy car, we get in and he produces a figure from an unknown phone app of between $120 and $156. Isn’t technology wonderful? I appreciated the wiggle room in his fees. Excuses are made and we make for the official cabs with the $52 flat rate to anywhere in town. 30 seconds in the country and a man “tried it”. The rule here is never accept the first offer from a man who appears from behind an object. I hugely like New York.
Arsehole
Ever wondered why Hollywood is so keen to explode New York in its films? The answer’s simple. New York is likely to explode with its incredibly dangerous overheating underground fart pipes. Boom!
Insert comedy farting sound here.
The food will give you incredible heartburn and possibly seizures. It’s almost impossible to not eat junk, especially with my feeble willpower.
“Contains No Juice” is the least of the problems here.
Unfortunately, American toilets hold an unreasonable amount of water. Completely unjustified.
Disgusting.