Short Game Reviews

Short game reviews, now with scores! Now, go on your way you cheeky scamp.

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Returnal – Short Review: PC Version

  • Returnal – Short Review
  • Third person timeloop shooty shooter game. Hazzah. 
  • Developer:  Housemarque
  • Publisher:  Sony

Goturnal: Time to Dance 2. In the Streets. In Space.

Perfect gameplay. Compelling time loop intrigue. Looks amazing.

Everything about what you’ve heard about this game is true. This is one hell of a game.

It’s incorporated the very best elements from a whole host of games like Netriod, Mier: Nutomata, Mades and of course the classic NmnNn.

But guess what?

Outside of the supreme gameplay, it was designed by a bit of a git.

let me explain
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The Hex – Short Review: PC Version

A pox, POX I SAY!

I’m sure anyone that’s played The Hex to completion will say “don’t read any reviews for The Hex”. So…

You really shouldn’t read any reviews for The Hex.

Here’s the score with a blurb that tells you everything your need to know.

The Hex 1

Welcome to the Six Pint Inn on a terribly stormy night…


A murder is being planned in the Six Pints Inn and yes, it’s time to solve a mystery. When I say mystery I mean it both mentally and technically as you take control of six very different computer game archetypes and then… 

 Game happens. 

No need to read more

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Spider-Man – Short Review: PS4 Version

Incoming – Review No. 2099

Spiderman is not invincible. He can almost fly and is 72% quips. Seems ideal for computer games, right? I’d admit I have a soft spot for web-slinging but this isn’t about me. This is about you… who knows what you find pleasurable. You might collect famous hairs or even take pictures of drains. Who knows what disgusting things you get up to.

Oh, you can also enjoy the many pictures I took, as photo mode was tremendous fun.

On with it

Overcooked 2

Overcooked 2 – Short Review: PC / PS4 Version

Overcooking something is generally bad. Unless it’s delicious toast.

Anyone that has ever played Overcooked with 4 friends has probably said the following:

Blimey. I love Overcooked.

For those that don’t know, you take control of a couple of chefs, scream at your friends, prepare and cook ingredients, scream at your friends, put the dishes together whilst screaming like a lunatic, before finally washing dishes to scream at your friends a lil’ more; all within a tight time limit!

In the first game you’ll chop some onions to chuck in a pot, before your mate slops the soup in a bowl for service. Before long you’re frying burgers to pass to another chef to chuck in a bun who should have been washing that dirty plate, as another chef dices lettuce, or wait… it was supposed to be tomato! Mishaps happen, levels mess with you and you’ll likely have to change tactics on the fly. Someone always forgets something! Communication is key.

Even without the benefit of friends, solo play worked well as a brilliant puzzle game.

Overcooked is one of the best local co-op games of all time.

Overcooked 2 4

This level was a fantastic series of mistakes and shouting. 3 outta 3 stars.

Considering I still play Overcooked to this day we ask the only question worth screaming 2 inches from your friends face…

is this a worthy sequel?


Far Cry 5 Hours of Darkness

Far Cry 5: Hours of Darkness DLC – Short Review: PC Version

“I love the smell of napalm in the morning.”

I have never really been into games that showcase war much. I mean, I have played many but I’ve not really felt what it was that it was trying to interpret. Battlefield 1 does a good job with its individual stories but I think I was more into the visuals, like when my gun got mud all over it during a rainy night while I was trying to take back some Italian hills – it was pretty. Call of Duty: WW2… is COD with a WW2 skin, have we not had that before? Anyway, I have not enjoyed any of them the way I should have… until Far Cry 5’s Hours of Darkness DLC.

The Vietnam War! You wasn’t there maaan!


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Dead Cells – Short Stolen Review: PC Version

*Mumble* Don’t see what the big deal is, *shrug*.

Dead Cells plagiarism

You can trust me. TRUST ME NOW! DO IT!

I’m not in the mood to review anything today, so I won’t. I’ve stolen the following review from Kotaku.

Let’s check out their intro!

In my first game of Dead Cells, I died after about four minutes. In my most recent one, I lasted almost an hour. The time difference between – Yada, yada, yada, you get the drift. Play game, get better at game. Sometimes you die quick or don’t.

Ok, not a great start. Dead Cells is a jumpy, jumpy platform game with random levels and a single precious life. You’re forever upgrading and improving so it’s not a big deal when you croak. It also looks really rather pretty.

Jeez… this is too much work. Let’s get back to the plagiarism.

Take it away guys!

to the thievery!

Frostpunk – Short Review: PC Version

Wait.. why Punk? Frost makes sense. Where does Punk come into it? Anyway, on with the review.

What’s the opposite of an empowering fantasy?

Don’t tell me. It’s Frostpunk, right?

Brought to you from the minds behind miserable survival game “This War of Mine”, Frostpunk has the bright idea of putting you in charge of a desperate colony on a rapidly freezing planet Earth.

Sounds like a laugh.


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Wreckfest – (Not) Short Review: PC Version

The title of my next gunge album… or dating guidebook. 

Crumpling a crappy car into advertising hoardings brings a big smile to my face. Finally, a game for people that dislike cars! I’ve always had a soft spot for destructive games, but it’s easy to regulate your excitement for a game that’s been around since 2014. Oh, Early Access… You harbinger of the anti-climax.

Now that Wreckfest’s been formally released, I wonder…

Is it metrosexual to shave my incredibly hairy toes? Also…

… Did Bugbear Entertainment manage to craft a game out the mismatch of systems?


SF 30th Anniversary Collection

Street Fighter 30th Anniversary Collection – Short Review: PC Version

Capcom invented DLC before the internet existed.

Imagine this. You purchased Ultra Street Fighter II on the Switch at full price. A year later an Even-More-Ultra Street Fighter containing all classic variations hits all consoles! Just like the good ol’ days.

Classic Capcom.

For those that didn’t have the pleasure of being alive in the 90’s, Street Fighter II took over the world. We ask the single question that confirms just how good an old game really was: –

Is it still playable today and will it continue to be infinitely playable in another 10 years time? If the answer is yes, you got yourself perfect design, baby.

In order to hone my skills and throw the perfect Hadoken I have been putting myself through various gardening trials, such as – Pull up Bramble and the Weed Squat. I think it has really improved my skills* and for just £5.99 a week you too can benefit from my new top-secret Mr Miyagi style techniques.

Anyway. Street Fighter. That. Let’s hope I can get through this review without utilising the word “remember”.

*may actually reduce quality of play, due to knackered fingers.


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Deadbolt – Short Review: PC Version

Hey Doc, so how does this work? Want me to lie down?

Ok, great. Might as well. Where do you want me to start? Yes, the beginning, of course. Deadbolt is a side-scrolling house infiltration simulator that employs a keyboard to move and the mouse to shoot your enemies. In the head. Doc, I play a lot of games. More than I talk about on this here website. Most of the time I can’t be arsed to talk about them because I don’t feel there is anything extra to contribute. Yes. We all know God of War is good. Anyway, shall I go on?

Good, Good

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Persona 5 – (Not) Short Review: PS4 Version

It was around the 50 hour mark that I came to the stark realisation that I can’t yet review this game. It is mammoth.

Persona is a Japanese role playing game based around high school and the duality of man (oi and woman!) Taking charge of the charismatic mute Joker, you adventure into the consciousness of the corrupt, leading the swashbuckling Phantom Thieves of Hearts. A group dedicated to Justice and proclaiming terms like “Justice!” loudly whilst holding a clenched fist.

Persona 5 116 hours

After 116 hours I can now talk about this game for days. I’ll try my best not to.

This review has been brought to you by a man who has never played a Persona game before. These days it’s a real effort to divert a 100 hours of my life to anything.


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Attack on Titan 2 – Short Review: PC Version

Attack on Title Too

Back in those heady days of 2016 the first Attack on Titan game was quite a surprise. Web-slinging around a map populated by monstrous titans is (still) a novel concept, which ultimately, became repetitive. Hilarious when you consider that more happens in a single 24 minute episode of Attack on Titan than most other shows.

Hold up… if the first game became repetitive, how does the sequel fare?


Wipeout Omega VR

Wipeout: Omega Collection – Short Review: PS4 VR Version

Spewout: Regurgitate Collection

The Omega collection throws together the most recent Wipeout games into one handy remastered package. Nice. Originally released on the 7th of June 2017 a free update has given us Virtual Reality across all modes. Normally they charge a fiver for the privilege, so this is a welcome surprise.

Wipeout Omega lap

Whilst racing at 300 mph I often stop to look at the clouds.

Welcome to the descriptive part of the introduction. Everyone with the nost basic knowledge of a Wipeout can skip directly to the article … now!

HAH! I lied. Those arrogant readers, skipping over the introduction. Just who do they think they are? I’ll let you into a secret. Wipeout is a killer app for a certain type of person. Or for 20 minutes, depending on ya’ stomach. For a freebie this is one of the very best virtual experiences I’ve had on the ol’ PSVR. The speed and clarity is potent. It feels like it was custom designed for VR. It’s a 9 out of 10 from me. Now you don’t need to read the rest article*. Well done.

*How dare they skip over the actual article! Can you believe them? They have no idea what makes the game great. I could have been lying about the score!

Welcome to the real Description Corner: Now with added boring.

Wipeout is a futuristic anti-grav racing game that’s been around since the original Playstation. The game emphasises speed, weapons and a pumping electronic soundtrack. People tend to forget that the original game was very harsh, as hitting the sides really screwed up ya lap times. Thankfully the games are a little more forgiving now. Arcade racing fun for all the family. Yes. All the family. Even little Jimmy… but not Jonny, the rat-bastard.

I recall that the first-person mode had the potential to induce sickness. Happy times. Wait… How does that work with VR?


Shadow of the Colossus

Shadow of the Colossus 2018 – Short Review: PS4 Version

Shade of Nostalgious

Welcome to your obligatory introduction to something so well known we could review the thing in the style of abstract dance.

Shadow of the Colossus is a computer game/ film / bacon

that is a wholly original game/ HD upgrade / remake.

The original 2006 version was seminal / good / angry raccoons

and we can all agree hairy kneecaps / mumbling penis / handful of eyenog.

Can the remake uphold such a tremendous legacy?


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Into the Breach – Short Review: PC Version

Quick Chess 2: Mecha Edition.

Into the Breach is a very simple game. I’ll not waste your time with a long winded-introduction as I’ll explain with a paragraph and picture.

Into the Breach

It’s all mine! Top tip – Use the Control key to check enemy stats.

Within 5 rapid turns you’ll take on high stakes turn-based battles. Cleverly designed and incredibly fair. You will fail a fair few times. Each time you do, you’ll come back a little stronger and wiser.

It is not an easy game, but the campaign is quick. Some would say, faster than light. WINK!

So, now you know whether or not this is the game for you.

You’d like something a lil’ more in-depth? Come on in, why dontcha?


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Farpoint – Short Review: PS4 VR Version

What do you mean I’ve bought another dead peripheral? No, No. Not that VR-headset thingy. People are still making games for that… *raised eyebrow*, I think…

… Oh they are. How lovely; Rick and Morty’s going to be released soon. Wait, that won’t require the use of a bloody rifle! Let us enjoy a moment of frowning before hitting Google. Let’s see what games are coming out for this shooty bang-bang device.

Farpoint pose

Careful now

18 or so games. Most of them unreleased with TBA. Oh… cough.

I have a defence, Sir. I snagged the game and gun for forty quid. Impressive, right? I’ve been impressed with the actual technology. The rifle’s a giant Move controller with analogue sticks and improved gyroscopics. I seldom found the device flicking around like the ancient Move controllers. It’s pretty stable and suitably sturdy.

Anyway, what about this Farpoint game-a-ma-thingy?


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Agatha Christie the ABC Murders – Short Review: PS4 Version

Poirot Memory Game

The storm briefly subsides as the door opens wildly. Bundled through the long corridor we reach a small side room where two burly men swiftly move inside, planting the subject firmly in the chair. A smaller calm gentleman enters, nods and leaves. One of the burly men removes the hood and Joey Jo Jo winces under the glare of the singular burning lamp, she blinks and her calm demeanour instantly returns. One of the burly men snorts as they manhandle the door and exit.

She smirks a little and her icy composure returns. 2 hours pass before the door finally opens.

So we meet again

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Kingdom: New Lands – Short Review: PC Version

What if they update it again? Kingdom: Double-New Lands Two.

I had spent a lot of time with the original version of Kingdom and it wasn’t really worth talking about. A quirky little timewaster that I very much enjoyed. Wouldn’t go out of my way to recommend it to you. Couldn’t even be bothered to write a review first time round. It was a nice little game.

So here we are with, what’s very clearly an upcoming review of that dreary lil’ game with an update. You know what I’m doing right? I’m trying to alienate you. This isn’t a game for you.

Go on. Look at it.


Some horse thing an’ that

Not worth your time. Just some pixel-art horse, innit. Hop it sunshine, nothing for you here.

no more, please

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Everybody’s Golf – Short Review: PS4 Version

The first review of the year is a bloody golf game? What the hell is wrong with you? I was talking to myself, but… if you’re reading this…

Everybody’s Golf has been around since the original Playstation. Yes, that computerised device from the 90’s. Totally radicool. Welcome to the mighty backlog month.

The game is also very, very pleasant with lil tinge of disappointment. I mean, you knew that already, right?

Let me explain why… but not in song.


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Total War: Warhammer II – (Not) Short Review: PC Version

Minor Skirmish: Toothpick 2

What happens when you merge an extensive computerised wargame with a boardgame thingy called Warhammer. Ya know, that thing with Elves and Dark Elves and Elves in stetson hats.

A high fantasy computer game… I guess. Blimey, I feel a long-ass review coming on.

Warhammer board game

Oopfh… Look at the detail on that. Image courtesy of ‘ere.

Oohh, Warhammer features vampires. Neat.

For those with little knowledge of both things, let’s sum it up. You’ve a bloody big map to spawn armies from and you’ll get to decide when to march your hard earned armies into real time battles. Rather than control a thousand individual units, they are bunched into squads. Top tip, spearman are pretty good against big fleshy horses.

Oh… I can’t actually play as a vampire clan. Only battle against them. Aw.

I appreciate the vision of the Total War games. Big sweeping epic battles. Big sweeping giant maps. Big sweeping bugs. Sometimes the visions simply too big and it crushes under it’s own weight. Regardless Total War games are nearly always interesting.

Now… how interesting is Total War: Warhammer II?