Assassins Creed: The Movie

Scott Pritchard Film Film Review 0 Comments

Director: Justin Kurzel / Screenplay: Adam Cooper / Release date: 1 January 2017

Actors: Michael Fassbender / Genre: Fantasy/Science ‧ 2h 20m

I did not watch this film as I was playing the cripplingly addictive Motorsport Manager. The movie played in the background.

I refuse to look up the plot, characters or even basic details such as character names; all in the name of journalistic integrity.

I’m confident that watching the film at periodic intervals with a single eye, is the correct universal method of watching Assassin Creed. Please do not attempt this method with a Torment: Tides of Numenera, as such a game requires your full focus.

So, let’s get started with an in-depth review!

Indignant additional commentary by Joey Jo Jo

On with the Review!

The Big Short

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Director: Adam McKay / Screenplay: Adam McKay, Charles Randolph / Release date: 22 January 2016

Actors: Christian Bale, Steve Carell, Ryan Gosling / Genre: Biography, Comedy, Drama ‧ 2h 10m

On the first watch The Big Short makes for a good impression.

With a second watch, in the age of gaseous hair mounds, the film’s quite prescient.

President Fart

Making a film about the boring ol’ financial crisis is a potentially foolish endeavour, as we all have attention spans of spanners. No-one says the word spanners anymore. People used to say “that’s blokes a spanner”. I don’t know why being a spanner is a bad thing, I just know that it is. If you do decide to look up spanner pictures, my preference is those adjustable ones, you know the ones? Adjustable an’ that. Now that’s a very fine spanner.

Read more about spanners.

spanner talk

God Bless America

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Director: Bobcat Goldthwait / Screenplay: Bobcat Goldthwait / Release date: 4 July 2012

Actors: Joel Murray, Tara Lynne Barr / Genre: Comedy/Crime ‧ 1h 45m

“Things to watch due to the social and cultural insanity of today”.

I’m sure many of you would have missed this film, as typing “God Bless America” isn’t on your daily web browsing agenda. Maybe it is? I don’t know who’s reading this? Who are you people!

Is it lazy to reference similar things? Bah… Let’s be lazy. It will inform your peculiar tastes immediately. God Bless America has a touch of Kick-Ass, Network, Leon and, of course, Idiocracy. Plenty of people reference Falling Down as that’s the most obvious… Not us. Oh no, we won’t reference that!

Did that help pique your interest? Go on you naughty tyke, on your way, go enjoy the film. If you haven’t watched any of the above films…. You’ve got some work to do. You can always return later. Good luck.

Or read more?

Suicide Squad

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Director: David Ayer / Screenplay: David Ayer / Release date: 12 March 2018

Actors: Margot Robbie, Will Smith / Genre: Comic Book Nonsense ‧ 2h 17m

Super franchise! All your favourite heroes! Running around toget- wait, anti-heroes! A bunch of bastards running around together, doing things!

We got the best actors and CGI and no scriptwriters and the sexy outfits! Battles… YOU WANT BATTLES! We got all the battles. BANG! Franchise! All of your favourites appears, such as “shooting gun man” and “sexy lady!” The word “franchise”. This isn’t a film, it’s an event!

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Rogue One: A Star Wars Story – Spoiler Free

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Director: Gareth Edwards / Screenplay: Chris Weitz, Tony Gilroy / Release date: 13 December 2016

Actors: Felicity Jones, Diego Luna / Genre: Sci Fi/Action ‧ 2h 13m

A Star Wars sub-header

Could Rogue One be the New Hope we’re looking for?

Didn’t like that line? Get used to it… That’s the level of dialogue to be expected from this new Star Wars film.

Sometimes you’ll hear a nice thing about a film… Then a few more nice things. Before you realise it, you’ve resigned yourself to a trip to the cinema. Hopes aren’t overly raised. Prequels are pretty flawed films from the get-go. Still, let’s hope we are taken on a nice journey.

Let’s have a very brief chat about that new Star Wars.

Classic SW Intro Music

Last Night

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Director: Don McKellar / Screenplay: Don McKellar / Release date: 2 July 1999 (UK)

Actors: Don McKellar, Sandra Oh / Genre: Disaster Film ‧ 1h 35min

It’s amazing what you can accomplish on a budget. Strip away the flash and explosions and you’re often left with humanity.

When it comes to the human race’s last night on earth, humanity should really be the focus.

Made in 1998 this low budget Canadian film, starred and directed by Don McKellar has all but disappeared from retailers. So try not to confuse this with a 2010 film with the exact same name. I suspect that film’s a load of ol’ wank. I mean, that version doesn’t star David Cronenberg, does it!

Explosion!

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