Director: Zack Snyder / Screenplay: Chris Terrio, David S. Goyer / Release date: 25 March 2016
Actors: Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill / Genre: Comic Book Nonsense ‧ 3h 3m
FILM REVIEW – From the touchline
Welcome to today’s game, Torquay United Vs Chitham FC.
Kick off 3pm. Referee: Mr Bobbington Jipblinder.
“So Faulstinho, what did you think of the film?”
“It is a fucking shit, isn’t it, mate.”
“Care to explain why?”
Ok bloke, at the end of the day, it is a problem with the talkings. All the bloody talkings, all the bloody time. I know who Batmans is and I know Batmans parents are dead. Why do I have to watch the Batmans parents get blapped again. Its rubbish ‘innit… Then its talking this, talking that. I mean I was so bored, by the time it gots to the big fightings, I didn’t really care. Why didn’t they do the talkings about stuff I don’t know already. One sec’ mate.
Commentator – Picked up by Faulstinho Di Trickyshit on the halfway line, what a burst of speed! Good tackle by Billy Bean on the left flank. Di Trickyshit’s complaining to the linesman yet again.
So the other thing is why the fucky media bollocks in the film… nice watching the film and then bamm. The news in the middle of the film… talking shit about Superman. I didn’t see the last superman film. What the fuck are they going on about. At the end of the day, why does Batmans get fooled so easily by the news? Isn’t he some smart bloke or summit? I get enough of the news at home! Now I’ve the news talking about the film in the fucky film, ooh so fucking clever ‘innit. Was a clever idea a few years ago but now its just copying some other smartarse. Ohfp.
Commentator – Di Trickyshit’s leapt for the ball, bounces harmlessly out of play.
Oh for fuck sake Nobby! Where was I…. So Batmans and Supermans are like some symbols or shit, like Batmans says he’s a criminal to the old butler bloke and Supermans like, erm, Supermans and boring and all-American. I mean, I know that yeah. I don’t think you need some cleverdick going on about it for a couple of hours. It really dragged its feet, had the pace of Teddy Sheringham. The film needed a bit more… What’s that word… nonce. No wait, Oi Nobby! Mate! Nobby Tupperfield listen mate… clever word you said last Wednesday at Ruffles. Nuance. The film needed a bit of the nuance. Cheers Tupps!
An’ that Mark Zuckerberg evil bloke. What’s that all about. He’s clearly fucking nuts, all mumbley twitchy and shit. You’re ganna leave him in the fucky alien ship? Not even one bloke checking up on him, popping his head round the door to ask if he wants a cup of tea? Left the nutter to it all day and night yeah… fucking smart yeah.
Commentator – Beautiful pass by Baldo McFootdanger. Ohhh… Di Trickyshit’s just missed it. Unbelievable.
“So Faulstinho, was there anything you liked?”
Yeah, I liked the car chase with Batmans ‘an that. I thought Superman flying around was well weighty and looked good. Nah mate, I’m not a poof. I just liked the way he flew. Oh yeah, the fights with Batmans beating up some chumps, was well like the computer games, I liked that. I thought Wonder Woman was well good. More of that and less of the nuffin’ story. Oh yeah, the actors who did the pretending to be heroes were really good. everything looked really good. Like propa’. Even the big spiky bastard at the end looked good.
“What did you not like as much?”
Fucking dream shit. Fuck off.
Commentator – Di Trickyshit receives the ball from Horst van der Kindergrumer. What a ball, Kindergrumer has been excellent today. Faulstinho Di Trickyshit! DI TRICKYSHIT! HE’S THROUGH ON GOAL! Oooooh, what a miss.
Fucking Batmans and fucking Supermans. Fucking hell…. why was it so fucking long. You could have told most of that story in like in half the time. Was all blah blah blah. Its like how fucky hard is it. All you had to do was keep it simple, and have a bit of fun. Whats that Nobby? This was all for the next load of films… fuck off, they should have made sure this one was good enough right. Right!
Commentator – Final Whistle. What a game. In the end a stalemate, but you have got to look at the positives haven’t you Brian. Yes, you do indeed. You do indeed.
Score: 0 – 0
Man of the Match: Baldo McFootdanger.