Planet Xerg has come under attack from the Beastoids. Oh, computer game plots.
Boxes hide a door. How sneaky. These boxes are quickly moved out the way and the game warns me someone is behind the door.
This is a warning of potential shenanigans because there’s always something behind a bloody door. Intriguing.
I brazenly walked in and a young guard is upset and violent.
“HALT dialogue plays”.
Perfect gameplay. Compelling time loop intrigue. Looks amazing.
Everything about what you’ve heard about this game is true. This is one hell of a game.
It’s incorporated the very best elements from a whole host of games like Netriod, Mier: Nutomata, Mades and of course the classic NmnNn.
But guess what?
Outside of the supreme gameplay, it was designed by a bit of a git.
let me explain
The election looms. The world looks very bleak. So what else is there to do but to spend lockdown recording audio and polishing a diddy adventure game?
Oh… fine. I’ll admit… It was all an excuse to record a glitzy gameshow. Turn on the telly (in game, natch) and enjoy “Box Fiddler” or maybe the action-packed “Time Toucher’s, if you can hold out.
I couldn’t help but throw in a few secrets and for now, it’s goodbye to old fashioned adventure games.
Turn up the volume and good luck Trump’s shitters!
Sexy Jeremy crashing the game.
Graphical Office Chair Frustration.
Loads of additional dialogue.
The Secret Crumb.
Any crashes please let me know and please enjoy the update.
… or send me 2.4 million pounds I am pleased to announce The Office is on an “online-shop™ “.
Or you can acquire the game and have a nice read on this website here.
If you are truly unwell you can read further mutterings about releasing the game here.
Now go. Play. Have fun.
An adventure game based on my real life office job. Yes, these are real (mostly) consenting adults forever bronzed in the magic of computer games.
Your mission?
What everyone working in an office would like to do.
Go home early!
Featuring the secret room, secret music, secret endings, hell, a secret intro. So many secrets. So much content you will never ever find.
Look, push and bother everything.
Yes. The main menu features a pleasant honking sound! Just click “Not that one”.
You know in these kinda games where you look at something and it has a stock phrase. Not this game! You know when you use an object on something and it says “I can’t do that”. Not on my watch! You push that chair. Push middle management. Push that everything you can because it just might pay off. Rarely.
Please squint and enjoy…
The Office (not that one)
Which is all of us… Right? Prey only came out May 2017. Feels more like 2007. Oh well…
… for those that missed out, here’s a handy recap.
BAMM! Prey is a first-person Sci-Fi shooter/adventure! WOW! You awake on the space station Talos 1 in the near future. NOW WITH 100% GENUINE COMPUTER GAME AMNESIA! There are secrets upon secrets and thankfully the amnesia turns out to be a stroke of brilliant story-telling. You pave your way through the.. hold on… POW! You pave your way through the station and I really mean it. There’s a gun that shoots goo to make makeshift vertical paths. KA-BOB!
You inhabit Morgan Yu, who tracks down some clues, to solve the stations mystery.
If I was you, I’d scream and whoop and kill for eventual victory.
Let wash all our hands, whilst saying “calm down” and end this synopsis rhyme.
Anyway, this is a game for a nice bit of bin rummaging and a lil’ bit of hoarding. Lovely. Also KA-POW-BOB-BAMM-ETC!
ACTION! PICK THEM THOSE EXOTIC MATERIALS. GO ON. ALL OF IT!
I’m sure anyone that’s played The Hex to completion will say “don’t read any reviews for The Hex”. So…
You really shouldn’t read any reviews for The Hex.
Here’s the score with a blurb that tells you everything your need to know.
Welcome to the Six Pint Inn on a terribly stormy night…
A murder is being planned in the Six Pints Inn and yes, it’s time to solve a mystery. When I say mystery I mean it both mentally and technically as you take control of six very different computer game archetypes and then…
… Game happens.
Spiderman is not invincible. He can almost fly and is 72% quips. Seems ideal for computer games, right? I’d admit I have a soft spot for web-slinging but this isn’t about me. This is about you… who knows what you find pleasurable. You might collect famous hairs or even take pictures of drains. Who knows what disgusting things you get up to.
Oh, you can also enjoy the many pictures I took, as photo mode was tremendous fun.
A mildly spoiler-ish collection of pictures.
Don’t worry, the big ending and that secret thing you don’t know about isn’t ruined! Ok, maybe one suit, but that’s it… I promise!
Anyone that has ever played Overcooked with 4 friends has probably said the following:
Blimey. I love Overcooked.
For those that don’t know, you take control of a couple of chefs, scream at your friends, prepare and cook ingredients, scream at your friends, put the dishes together whilst screaming like a lunatic, before finally washing dishes to scream at your friends a lil’ more; all within a tight time limit!
In the first game you’ll chop some onions to chuck in a pot, before your mate slops the soup in a bowl for service. Before long you’re frying burgers to pass to another chef to chuck in a bun who should have been washing that dirty plate, as another chef dices lettuce, or wait… it was supposed to be tomato! Mishaps happen, levels mess with you and you’ll likely have to change tactics on the fly. Someone always forgets something! Communication is key.
Even without the benefit of friends, solo play worked well as a brilliant puzzle game.
Overcooked is one of the best local co-op games of all time.
This level was a fantastic series of mistakes and shouting. 3 outta 3 stars.
Considering I still play Overcooked to this day we ask the only question worth screaming 2 inches from your friends face…
is this a worthy sequel?
I have never really been into games that showcase war much. I mean, I have played many but I’ve not really felt what it was that it was trying to interpret. Battlefield 1 does a good job with its individual stories but I think I was more into the visuals, like when my gun got mud all over it during a rainy night while I was trying to take back some Italian hills – it was pretty. Call of Duty: WW2… is COD with a WW2 skin, have we not had that before? Anyway, I have not enjoyed any of them the way I should have… until Far Cry 5’s Hours of Darkness DLC.
The Vietnam War! You wasn’t there maaan!
You can trust me. TRUST ME NOW! DO IT!
I’m not in the mood to review anything today, so I won’t. I’ve stolen the following review from Kotaku.
Let’s check out their intro!
In my first game of Dead Cells, I died after about four minutes. In my most recent one, I lasted almost an hour. The time difference between – Yada, yada, yada, you get the drift. Play game, get better at game. Sometimes you die quick or don’t.
Ok, not a great start. Dead Cells is a jumpy, jumpy platform game with random levels and a single precious life. You’re forever upgrading and improving so it’s not a big deal when you croak. It also looks really rather pretty.
Jeez… this is too much work. Let’s get back to the plagiarism.
Take it away guys!
What’s the opposite of an empowering fantasy?
Don’t tell me. It’s Frostpunk, right?
Brought to you from the minds behind miserable survival game “This War of Mine”, Frostpunk has the bright idea of putting you in charge of a desperate colony on a rapidly freezing planet Earth.
Sounds like a laugh.
Crumpling a crappy car into advertising hoardings brings a big smile to my face. Finally, a game for people that dislike cars! I’ve always had a soft spot for destructive games, but it’s easy to regulate your excitement for a game that’s been around since 2014. Oh, Early Access… You harbinger of the anti-climax.
Now that Wreckfest’s been formally released, I wonder…
Is it metrosexual to shave my incredibly hairy toes? Also…
… Did Bugbear Entertainment manage to craft a game out the mismatch of systems?
I may or may not have taken too many pictures to compliment the Wreckfest review.
Please enter and peruse at your leisure.
Birdsong fills the air. Peace and quiet. Joey Jo Jo creaks in her chair with a cool drink and nods as Scott joins her. This is bliss. A monster truck pulls out 15 donuts.
“Hey, Joey Jo Jo. Have you met our new neighbour yet?”
Mud covers the porch.
“So…”
“So, Scott… Can you hear Andrew WK?”
“Yep. E3 has come around once again. To be honest I can’t face talking about it. Bullshots, non-gameplay trailers and people that get overexcited about corporate promises. I’m completely unqualified for whoops.”
“Me either. Well, you know what to do.”
Scott and Joey Jo Jo both look round to the forbidden door. The Monster Truck is somehow on two wheels. The strains of Andrew WK get louder.
“Yes. It is time to release the Cari. Have you got the key?”
“150 Pokémon! That is all I care about. I care very little for Mew…
“Sigh.”
Imagine this. You purchased Ultra Street Fighter II on the Switch at full price. A year later an Even-More-Ultra Street Fighter containing all classic variations hits all consoles! Just like the good ol’ days.
Classic Capcom.
For those that didn’t have the pleasure of being alive in the 90’s, Street Fighter II took over the world. We ask the single question that confirms just how good an old game really was: –
Is it still playable today and will it continue to be infinitely playable in another 10 years time? If the answer is yes, you got yourself perfect design, baby.
In order to hone my skills and throw the perfect Hadoken I have been putting myself through various gardening trials, such as – Pull up Bramble and the Weed Squat. I think it has really improved my skills* and for just £5.99 a week you too can benefit from my new top-secret Mr Miyagi style techniques.
Anyway. Street Fighter. That. Let’s hope I can get through this review without utilising the word “remember”.
Ok, great. Might as well. Where do you want me to start? Yes, the beginning, of course. Deadbolt is a side-scrolling house infiltration simulator that employs a keyboard to move and the mouse to shoot your enemies. In the head. Doc, I play a lot of games. More than I talk about on this here website. Most of the time I can’t be arsed to talk about them because I don’t feel there is anything extra to contribute. Yes. We all know God of War is good. Anyway, shall I go on?
