Nearly unlocked a platinum trophy by mistake? Blimey, I’ve played this game to death.
You wake to the same murder rich Saturday in the fantastical hotel known as The Sexy Brutale. You’ll find yourself tracking fellow guests attempting to influence their macabre fates. To stop direct meddling the guests masquerade masks angrily come to life, requiring you to keep your distance. To combat this you’ll need to peak through doors an’ prick your ears, just like you do in real life, every weekend.
Beyond the games many, many achievements I’m going to concentrate on its technical shortcomings, as I’m a total and utter bastard.
Not so long ago we wrote a fantastical and utterly accurate diary and even scribbled down an early access review. So I hope that gives you an indication of how much life it ate.
So please enjoy this video. Or if you’re not in the mood to watch a 20 minute vid, please enjoy a summing up after the break.
A year ago today (no really) I reviewed the adequate Stellaris. Time flies doesn’t it.
It was a good game with some glaring issues and a terrible mid-game lull. You can read about it here.
I made the bold prediction that the game would be much improved in time. After all, these are the devs continually working on the evergreen Crusader Kings II…
So, we ask the question absolutely no-one’s asking. After many an update, is Stellaris the nerd space game from my fantasies?
Man, that Endless Space 2 looks good… Let’s keep this brief.
Much like the game, this review has been fermented and released at exactly the right time. No, it’s not late!
ICO was interesting wasn’t it. A whole game of dragging a useless princess around…. I’m not sure we could make that game now. In this new age, the horned-boy would have to worry about what he’s grabbing. Blimey, was that really a game from 2001… Bloody hell everyone.
Shadow of the Colossus arrived in 2005 and has received enough praise it’s now on the cusp of becoming self aware. No, really. It’s dangerous to mention it more then once.
In the years of technical advancements since that game, how does the generation-dodging spiritual successor fare?
I acquired the game on release with wholesome bright-eyes and a whistle in my heart, before writing my initial thoughts a week later.
Do not let John Link near a pen.
A whole months dedicated play later, I finally feel comfortable in dishing out a score. Yes, you heard right, it took a month to fully absorb. That’s the kind of hard hitting hot-take you can expect around here.
For those that have already read the review, why not skip directly to the score, and give an even mightier nod. If you disagree with said numbered score, please read through the word-parts for a full and frank explanation. If you are still troubled by the score afterwards, please register a complaint at the passing clouds, whilst shaking your fist.
I wasn’t going to post this as it is funny, inspirational and heartbreaking.
Subjects I attempt to steer clear of on a daily basis. It’s also doing the rounds on various gaming websites, but I’ll make an exception this time. The more people that see this, the better.
Samuel Coster takes to the stage to talk game development and cancer.
I completed Zac McKracken without a guidebook. You may bask in reflected glory… Now.
One of the gentlemen* who created one of my favourite games* of all time, has returned to the genre* he helped popularise. Thanks Kickstarter.
Guess I should review this really. I mean, I did throw money at the idea. For comparison I’ve put some of my 2014 thoughts about Broken Age at the end of review.
Ronald Gilbert* / Monkey Island* / Point and Click Adventure games*.
How many issues can a man ignore? Before you call him a fan?
I’ll begrudgingly waste my introduction on what ‘Berserk’ and ‘Musou’ things are. So don’t be afraid to skip ahead to the review. I’m going to make this as boring as humanly possible, you deserve it.
Musou is the title given to the Dynasty Warrior games and their many, many spin-offs. You take control of a powerful individual slicing through hundreds of soldiers to carry out objectives on a teeming battlefield. Nice. Sometimes you’re charged with dicing a particular enemy, or the most dreaded of missions in which you protect an idiot AI. Damn your eyes escort missions! These games are closely related to the side-scrolling beat em up of yesteryear. Mindlessly therapeutic. Not for everyone.
Berserk is a grim 1988 manga adapted to every other medium known to man, and is a direct inspiration for things you might already love. I’m pretty confident few people are reading this review without a passing knowledge of the source material; which begs the question, why are you reading this intro? I told you, this is for those without any knowledge of Berserk. Are you mocking me? Oh yes, it’s a big laugh for you isn’t it. ‘Look at him, wasting his time, explaining the things we already know’. Shall I dance now? Dance for your entertainment.
Sigh, anyway. Berserk tells the story of Guts the lone mercenary, and his sexy friendship with another man, and his mercenary group the Band of the Hawk. I’d suggest any newcomers watch the 2012 films, or original 1997 series. The game does a terrible job at digging into the story.
I’m tired now, and that was pretty boring. I’ll finish this tomorrow.
Do you like free thingys? Did you not buy any of the highly rated games of the year? Do you have spare time? Erm, good, I think.
Hidden away on it’s steam page is a small stand-alone Pathologic demo created by the excellently named Ice Pick Lodge. Your mighty test is to find the demo button. So, you can click here for the steam page… if ya’ want.
It’s a standalone experience, so knock yourself out.
This is a game where most reviews are rendered null and void, as they simply do not matter. Didn’t you see the word Zelda in the title?
The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is a game of discovery, secrets and surprises. So in essence, fuck the internet right now. It’s like the games media’s running a competition as to who can spoil the game in the most. They might as well start every article with ”ave you seen this, mate!”.
So indulge me as we enter none-spoiler valley, to peek at the most well received game of our time. Incidentally, I won’t insult you by explaining any of the light story elements. Newcomers only need know this; you are the hero Link in the land of Hyrule.
What do you mean it’s been quiet ’round here? I’m currently getting through The Last Guardian, lovely new Zelda, Torment and even Final Fantasy.
Unfortunately these games take over a year to review, especially as I’m not a fan of cracking premature opinions to a strict deadline. I know, it doesn’t help the clicks. (Note – need more clickbait). Wait, new Nier’s out already!? Wait, I don’t have advertisers to suppliant!
Good news! I have played lots of other games. Bad news. I’ve not had the ability to really get my teeth in them. Unsuitable for review purposes you might say. Could also say that most of them didn’t deserve the time.
It would be a shame for all that fantastic knowledge to go to waste. So let’s go through each and every one of them. In a paragraph or two. So c’mon guys, check out this hot take.
I don’t know what a hot take is. Why is it hot? Truth be told, it’s likely cold now.
You prepare the cars, race the cars, and sing the cars theme tune.
Have you ever wanted to experience the giddy thrill of the motorsport management? No…No… Not the cool driving bit, the sitting in the office bit. I’ve no interest in car sports and even less interest in the management side of things. So we bellow from the rooftops, “why am I playing this game and will it send me full Ecclestone?”
That was it for car-themed references, we won’t try that again.
Come one, come all. Welcome to the grand closure of a game mode I’d completely forgotten about.
I very much enjoyed Elite Dangerous, up until the time I didn’t. That wonderful apathetic feeling snuck up on me slowly like a cheeky, possibly green Thargoid* in an oversized stetson hat. I must confess, I didn’t visit Elite Dangerous: Arena, the all-action dogfighting spin-off. By all-action I mean, classic continually-turning spaceships attempting to get behind one another, in a glorious loop of attrition.
* A Thargoid isn’t a hemorrhoid cream, but the name of the aliens in the Elite universe.
Anyway, you can no longer buy Arena as a cheap standalone extra anymore. No players, playing, you see. As this modes redundancy arrives as we ask the more important question.
Sometimes I look at a game’s file size and think, “wow over 500 MB. I’d love to see that crammed on a ye’ old cartridge! 90 hours of the finest midi music? Offph, just look at the size of that programming.”
As a twinkly eyed youth I loved Dougle Dragnet and I’m unsure why there would be a direct sequel in 2017.
I hope the development team have taken note of all the lovely modern progress that’s going around.
The following article was originally a comparison piece between Mafia III and Watchdogs 2, but that was about as interesting as the game Mafia III. Man, that got old quick.
My scrapped article had a great intro too, as I was standing on an incredibly cheap box, dishevelled in rags, screaming at passersby’s.
Oh well,
On to a standard ol’ review, this time with a light show!
