Planet Xerg has come under attack from the Beastoids. Oh, computer game plots.
Thinking of upgrading to the latest (3 years old now) generation of console gaming?
Great news! A weighty back catalogue of top-notch games await for the incredible sum of next to nothing. Handy, as you’ve just blown most of your budget on the fancy games machine itself.
Please enjoy the following recommendations. Also, congratulations on holding out.
O! My Genesis consists of a tutorial and one level. O! That price makes sense. If the concept of a paid demo bothers you, this isn’t the purchase for you. Not even at the price of a luxury sandwich.
God games are tailor-made for Virtual Reality, but is a single level of O! My Genesis enough?
At times this creates perplexing methods which defy expectation or logic. – Oh… a Sangria. I do like a nice Sangria.
So, business practices of the… Hey, where did all this booze come from?
Multimedia conglomerates hold all the cards with the new digital fronti- You know, this rum will almost certainly need a few ice cubes. I’ll go grab some.
Erm, where was I?
Oh yeah, click more for a rant about modern gaming an’ that, whilst I consume the odd fruit juice or two. In fact let’s have a couple now, to loosen me up. Lovely, lovely, stuff.
Do you remember gauntlet? I do and I didn’t much care for it. No sir; not even on the swanky arcade machines, not even with 4 players.
Knight Squad appears to be from the ye ‘ol age of arcades. Can a rusty relic of an idea be improved upon in this day and age? Can my mind be swayed? Are these my feet?
Hey you, yes you! Would you like to fly a spaceship?
Of course it’s a yes!
EVE: Valkyrie is the first proper full priced VR game I’ve acquired. Is it worth such considerable expense or is this just another short “experience”?
Heading a football coming at you at pace has the potential to hurt. Luckily, within the world of virtual reality you can’t feel pain, yet.
An entire game based upon the concept of letting a football bounce off your head sounds like a great way to test Sony’s fancy-pants technology.
Where do we start then?
A selection of video game soundtracks and games-inspired videos from the last 30 odd years on a gigantic screen? It was great.
Now thats-a-gots-us-a-thinkings. What are our favourite computer soundtracks?
I’m sure many of you will mutually smile, slap each other on the knee, and agree with a few of the choices below. Who knows, you might debate who’s massively wrong and why. Best keep that to yourself though.
Myself and Joey Joey Jo plan to enjoy a selection of mini-games designed to show off your shiny new VR experience.
We shall review each game individually, check to see if the technology works and ask the most important question, “is it any fun?”
Earlier in the year I wrote a lengthy monotone retrospective on PES 2016 complete with thick eyebrows, slippers and a dour disposition. You could probably guess from the length and girth of the eyebrows, yes… I rather liked it.
Last year I considered PES 2016 the new benchmark in football based gameplay, and that warm feeling remains. In fact, a lot of what I previously mused still applies.
Oh no, ‘ere we go. Are you ready for it?
“It’s like last years, but a little better, kinda… cough.”
I mean, they only had 12 months to spruce the place up and 2 months of that was preparing for Xmas. This reviews a total waste of fucking time. Hey, why not click more?
Vix the master builder, Lloyd the turkey whisperer and some guy called Scott finally reach the end of their camping adventure. Yes, all of this really happened in game, in fact, I had to omit tiny details or we would have been here all day.
Does it end in an enviable bloodbath? Would they all survive the year? What will become of Gerald the gentleman monkey?
Some lesser people would use the term “exclusive” whilst bragging about technology other people haven’t had the privilege of messing with. Not us though, oh no. We would never stoop so low.
The following article contains exclusive revelations to hopefully excite you into a gibbering frenzy.
Apology – I wish to apologise for both the quality of the above joke and the duality of the incredible lie, as the following prototype has been around for 10 years. I’m both saddened and proud by such outrageous claims and the abuse of the general public’s ignorance on new technological matters. Thank you for your patience and please hit like, subscribe and give me money. I will lie again.
We have a new way of viewing the world around us with the introduction of affordable Virtual Reality. Now all we need is a new way to interact with these worlds.
Let’s talk Haptic controls.
So what the hell is a haptic-ma-jigger? Can it make me a cup of tea? What are you talking about? Why should I care about this thing? I don’t know what it is, can I buy one?
Good news! In the future, Bethesda have decided to send review copies to the games media a whole single day before release.
Try not to worry guys. I mean, you loved all the Dooms and Dishonoureds?
Don’t worry. You can trust them. It’s not like they’ve ever released a broken game or anything utterly average. No really. Honest.
“So Faulstinho Di Trickyshit, you’ve an incredible disposable income. You must have tried the ol’ Virtual Reality right?
“Put a fucky headset on my fucky head right? Yeah mate, I done all that. Messed my hair right up”
“Wow Faulstino, what a life, your hair looks great! Tell me more!” Kick off
The wonderful thing about most VR games is that they’re piss-easy to review, as you’ve finished them by the time you finished reading this.
So the ultimate question is…
… Is Batman: Arkham VR worth your money?
Also, how the hell do you give it a score?
Welcome to an exceedingly short review to match the length of the game.
Did any of you kindly upstanding people play the Shadow Warrior reboot a few years ago? It was pretty good. Before Nu-Doom stole all the party poppers and set off a one man conga line, 2013’s Shadow Warrior showed just how fun a simple ol’ fashioned gore em’ up could be. Who doesn’t like chopping demons into itty-bitty bits at top speed? Incidentally I’ve now retired the term “Nu-Doom”, so let’s not use that ever again. Ever.
So, review of a sequel ‘ey? How long before we fall deep into clichés and references to the original game…. Let’s try to avoid that, right? Right?
Released on the 6th of October 2016 Syndrome is a sci-fi survival horror game set on a scary spaceship.
*Glug, glug, glug* – Ohhhh, that’s a smooth rum. Ok, ready?
With Playstation VR primed for the general public, here’s a selection of game ideas I’ve been desperate to play.
Where are the trailblazing Miyamotos of the VR world? Where are the pioneers giving us experiences we simply cannot imagine? Standing about in a cave or waving a sword around is a cool tech demo, but not exactly a proper game I’ll return to again and again. New technology, same ol’ ideas. Give it time, they will come.
Mmmm, yes, that’s is very good VR.
Here’s the top 5 games I would love to play in Virtual Reality.
A PS3 game? That was a whole console generation ago? How obscure! I can hear the gasps from here. At some point in time, I suspect we’ll be unable to download old PS3 titles. Plus there’s a good chance you’ve never heard of it.
Wait, so what in the cheesehats is this game?
Trash Panic is dustbin Tetris. Released in 2009 to little fanfare it wasn’t a must-have game. Still isn’t. It is a fun two player game to play against people who have never heard of it. Should be pretty bloody cheap by now too. Brilliantly there was some sort of environmental Captain Planet message mixed into the gameplay, with naughty emissions and eco friendly ways to get rid of the trash; bless ’em.
Trash Panic is a capable single player game, but the following is a guide on how to play it with friends.
Meet Gamerdownstreet – Fan of FIFA, please tell us about yourself?
I’d bought both FIFA & PES back in 2005, FIFA was better back then so ever since I’ve been loyal. F*%k these questions. In actual fact, don’t continue reading just go and buy FIFA 17 on XBOX One. I am not biased, screw you reading this right now, how about you go outside for once and enjoy the sunlight? Has Pokémon Go got boring for you already?! Yeah, YOU were probably one of those nerds spending real money on it too. Wait, what am I here for again? Ohhh yeah, FIFA vs PES. Sorry Scott, please go ahead.
Thank you for that rabid, unhinged outburst. Now Scott – Fan of Pro
The golden years of PES brought arcadey football to the small screen and it felt like real football, with through-balls, clever runs and one-twos. I slowly lost interest with both games throughout the years, as the yearly updates took it’s toll and a focus on tedious realism took hold. Last year’s Pro brought me back and I’ve been singing it’s praises ever since.
To be honest, I was a bigger fan of Sensible Soccer, but that went missing a long time ago.
Enough of this. To the questions!
You know the score by now, we are rapidly reaching a conclusion to our grand camping adventure.
Let’s dip into the penultimate diary of Lloyd, Vix, Scott and introducing the fine upstanding gentleman monkey Gerald.
