Knight Squad


Have you ever suffered from anti-nostalgia? Remember old games you didn’t love?

Do you remember gauntlet? I do and I didn’t much care for it. No sir; not even on the swanky arcade machines, not even with 4 players.

Knight Squad appears to be from the ye ‘ol age of arcades. Can a rusty relic of an idea be improved upon in this day and age? Can my mind be swayed? Are these my feet?

A picture would suffice in place of lengthy explanation.

Knight Squad

Collect the weapons, kill each other as normal. Lovely.

Why… A multiplayer game with a top down perspective! Hazzah!

Start. To fully ensure fun with this… *pah* Knight Squad game… you must gather at least 4 people. Failure to do so will ensure an unpleasant experience. Additional humans are key. If possible you must acquire the means to plug 8 control pads into your “tower pc box” and somehow not have your pc explode. You can then enjoy this… *pah* Knight Squad game… with a full team of 8 players. Good luck with that. This is the optimum way to enjoy said game. *Pah*. End.

Good preparations over? Let the fun commence!

Beyond any set up problems you’re likely to have, Knight Squad is a very simple game. You move around with the moving stick thingy on the joypad-ma-jigger and do things with the “doing things” button. You hit someone with your sword for points, they die instantly and respawn quickly. That’s it. Easy to pick up and enjoy.

So what do you do in this game?

Knight Squad

This is Domination… admire the nice colours.

We are lovingly furnished with a series of game modes, such as: –

Capture the Grail : –

A free for all, in which you nab the grail and return it to your base, for those lovely, lovely points. You know what points mean? Yes, prizes… oh and gloating. Ok, not really prizes, just gloating. Mental note, get prizes.

Capture the Flag : – 

Similar to previous mode Capture the Grail, but with teams and a bloody flag to haul around. Not Randall Flagg, he’s awesome. Not much to be said on these two modes, I mean, you’ve played games before, you know the score.

Soccer : –

It’s football. I agree with your disdain at the term “Soccer”.

Knight Squad

A soccer game.

An interesting note, you can’t really smack the ball with your sword, just kinda push it along. Maybe soccer is the correct term as it doesn’t involve kicking a ball at all. Also the ball tends to gravitate toward the corners constantly, causing mass corner pile ups.

Knight Squad

See what I mean? Corner shenanigans happens a lot.

Scoring a goal’s incredibly tricky and rewarding. Sigh, teamwork! Yes, this mode is a lot of fun, if not a tad flawed.

Bored of this now, you can find out the other modes yourself… What do you mean whats the point of the review? This is turning into a tedious list of nothing, I mean, you can find out this information on the games website. Wait… the website doesn’t tell you what game modes are on offer? Sigh, FINE.

Gladiator: – 

A ring in the centre of the level! What must you do? Stay inside it as long as possible and accrue points. Pretty fun. Most of these games last 5 minutes but you can mess with the settings. I couldn’t be bothered to mess with the settings, but it was nice to have the option.

Last Man Standing: – 

No really, use your imagination.

Team Deathmatch: – 

A mode in which your underpants gain sentience and attempt to flee your Knight. You must use teamwork and song to retrieve them or they will explode. Just kidding, you kill each other in teams.

Juggernaut: – 

Now this is my favourite mode. You rush to the centre of the stage to grab the minigun, gaining a shield and becoming the Juggernaut. You become this…


Just whistle while you work, do do do, do do, do do.

… if you manage to kill the Juggernaut, you become Jesse Ventura. Possibly the best mode of the lot.

Domination: – 

Walk over the beacons to change them to your colour. Another team game and lastly…

Crystal Rush: – 

Teamwork based nonsense in which you drill and destroy crystals whilst protecting your own. Sounds pretty similar to the earlier team games doesn’t it? All these games to pick; would have been nice to have some real variation on offer.

List over. Don’t say I don’t do anything for ya’.

Knight Squad

Juggernaut. Best mode of the game.

Having a single button to swing little swords sounds a bit boring doesn’t it? Especially with all these lovely game modes. Luckily there are a fair few things to pick up and wield, such as crossbows, lasers, magic lightning sticks and even horse mounts. I fully endorse horse mounts.

The knights themselves are pleasant enough archetypes, with an air guitar knight called “Solo”, an’ orange Knight called “Shooter”, and guess what “Storms” gimmick is? No idea why all the names begin with an S? S for Squad?

What if your real life friends have been captured and eaten by Jimmy Troll Jr.? No problem, all matches can be played with AI bots to take the place of any eaten friends or loved ones. Unfortunately bots are no substitute to foul mouthed acquaintances, but they make good fodder.

There are a handful of single player challenges. One of them resembles a bullet hell boss encounter, another a survival mode. These challenges can be partially troublesome, so don’t blame me if hard mode upsets you. Whilst a pleasant distraction, this really isn’t the main event.


This was a pain in the arse to complete.

Lastly you can play online. Forget the unknowable faces of some guy you’ve never met, get your bloody friends on your sofa and sass them. Sass them good.

Top tip – You can hold the button down with the drill. Nice.

It turns out you can update nostalgia! Hazzah! Again!

What else can we update from the vaults of gamings past? I’m looking forward to 4 player Arkanoid, with each player taking a side of the screen! Using that idea are you Mr G Developer? That’s ok, gimmie my 10% and we shall speak about it no more?

arkanoid 4 player

I’d play the underpants outta this.

Now an interesting fact, whilst I enjoy Knight Squad I’m not the hugest fan in the world, much preferring Towerfall, Nidhogg and others. When it does find its way into the rotation, it is a hugely popular local multiplayer game. Make of that what you will.

7Incredibly fun with a gang of friends. Not so much by yourself.


If you intend to play this just for the single player, erm… 4.


Knight Squad

An’ everyone dies. Goodbye!