Videogames

Planet Xerg has come under attack from the Beastoids. Oh, computer game plots.

BulbBoy header

Bulb Boy

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Very SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

An incredibly short game deserves a brief review with humourless tagline. We’ve no time for this. C’mon, chop chop. On with it. 

Wait… Just how short is Bulb Boy? it took me 98 minutes to save the day and I’d admit, I was in no rush to get to the end. Now I’ve conquered the world and stood upon its flaming ground, beating my chest, I instantly knew in my heart(s) I’d never return. Not even for a trophy or achievement, such is the nature of the point and click adventure game. Especially one without any apparent hidden depths.

Wanna look at some pretty pictures and skip to the score? Yeah, go for it mate.

Point

Stikbold! – A Dodgeball Adventure

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SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Remember that film? Ya’ know, the one with pretty much the same name? Had that actor in it? You know the one, has a head shaped out of haunted Brie. This is a computer game, based on the sport dodgeball, which is a bit like that film. Got that? Good.

Stikbold looks rather silly doesn’t it, go on, go have a look at the pictures… I’ll wait. Makes sense when the sport’s based around throwing weighty objects at children’s heads. Excellent, we can all get behind that concept.

Let’s find ou- *SMACK* “Ooooofff! You bastard.”

Gurgle

Dino Dini's Kick Off Revival

Dino Dini’s Kick Off Revival

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SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VERSION

I did a potentially bad thing… but hear me out first. Don’t prejudge, but I preordered Kick Off Revivial. I know, I know. Preorderings a ludicrous thing to do.

Once upon a time there was a game called Kick Off 2. It was a long long time ago, before electricity was invented, all your fancy-pants devices ran on steam. Yes, even the toaster, which made the bread soggy. ohhhh… These were tough times. In this era I had no income and had no real idea of the concept “disposable income”. When I received an offer to play a brand new game for my Amiga for free, I took it. To this day I have had no idea where those magically appearing floppy discs came from.

I owe Dino Dini some money.

I hope the games not a load of old tosh.

Update – In a fit of madness the decision was made to review patch 1.3. Yes, I’m an Idiot.

KICK OFF!

Dex header

Dex

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SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

I’d never heard of Dex. But no… wait. This is enhanced Dex… meaning it’s far better than the normal everyday Dex you’ve enjoyed. Note – I’ve no idea what part of Dex is enhanced.

Originally a successful kickstarter campaign in 2012 the game was released last year. Thanks for the facts Mr Billy Internet.

Side scrolling cyberpunk… wait CyberPunk? Are we talking about Bladerunner again? Also why Punk? Can’t it be Cyber-Guys, Cyber-Gents, Cyber-Coats, Cyber-Chavs?

Reminds me of The Way, which was reviewed a month ago. Dex does look graphically similar. Ye gods, I hope this isn’t anymore nostalgia bait.

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House of the Dying Sun

House of the Dying Sun

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House of the Dying Sun 6

Despite how it looks, I’m doing rather well here. Honest.

SHORT REVIEW: Early access REVIEW – PC Version

Put away your flightsticks young man. Please remain calm sir, I’m not talking about VR Porn.

The resurgence of the space flight sim is a wonderful thing. The games industry ignored the genre and you hear the sound of a thousand publishers weeping as Star Citizen crosses the $100,000,000,000,000.24 mark.

On first glance you would think my trusty flight stick would get a run out here, but nope. Control pad recommended, as this has more in common with Colony Wars on the Playstation than Elite Dangerous.

Let’s hold hands to cross the road as we ask the question, to looming trucks headlights. Is that a good thing?

From the official website – “right now I have no plans to add or change anything major to the game. The remaining work will center around bugs, weapons, upgrades, wave clear, and mission balance.” Great. Let’s review this sucker now and revisit on official release.

Blast Off an’ that

Dont shit your pants

Don’t Shit Your Pants

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dont shit your pants 1

TENSE!

More of a cautionary tale then a game, channelling the tenants of inner strength, peace and intelligence. 

Similar to Witcher 3 in tone and scope, Don’t Shit Your Pants is an epic open world room with multi-branch choice system. Incredibly stressful as the timer slowly ticks down to a brown conclusion. You must act purposely, but within reason.

Hold… it

E3

My Top 3 E3 Announcements: Definitely, Maybe

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Editor – A new face appears! Let’s have a quick peek at his crazed E3 Mutterings.

You want my top 3 E3 announcements? You got them! Firstly, I would have put more but I thought a top 3 was enough for you guys. I would have loved to be there though right in the heart of it, rubbing shoulders with weird corporate folk pretending to be trendy when really they just want your monies, so here goes!!!

I’d just like to say, E3 wasn’t terrible this year. There were many wow factors, a lot of nodding heads and waving of arms so surely that’s positive… oh and there was more VR. We like VR right?

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E3

Top 3 E3 Announcements: Kinda

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 E3! C’mon, say hooray with me! “HOORAY!”

Get excited little people as marketing departments go into overdrive! We can’t ignore marketing now, can we!

With instant information at our fingertips the Electronic Entertainment Expo’s barely relevant these days. I’ve no idea why any games journalist would waste their time going, when you can watch all the trailers from the comfort of home.

So buckle up for the top 3 announcements that excited me this week, as I sipped tea from the comfort of my chair.

E3! CLICK HERE!

fallout shelter

Fallout Shelter

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SHORT REVIEW – FROM THE TOUCHLINE – ANDROID VERSION

Welcome to today’s game, Portugal Vs Iceland.

Kick off 8pm. Referee: Mr Quaki Limbeer.

“So Faulstinho Di Trickyshit, have you tried Fallout Shelter?”

“I loves the Fallouts! Boom, head explode! Very funny.”

“erm, I don’t think this is the Fallout you’re thinking of Faulstinho.”

“Yes, I cant wait to explore!”

Kick off

Mad Max

The inability to play a Mad Max

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It sits in the pile, a fine game indeed. I cannot get up, cannot plug in. Time passes, i relent, I click Rocket League again.

Mad Max, is an open world game with exciting car chases, wandering and meaty combat. 

Purchased at the beginning at the year I acquired Mad Max and immediately slogged through the early story missions. I fannied around in the sand dunes, an’ bombed around in Max’s car. Much enjoyment was had. After a few days of play I didn’t return. So how did I manage to play everything else in my collection but Mad Max?

How does that happen?

Let’s evaluate my poor tired brain

rift

Hey, do you remember that VR thing?

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From the pen of the swanky games journalist

Let’s reinvigorate the excitement glands as we take a trip down virtual lane. 

Virtual Reality headsets are viable now! Remember the Virtual Boy?! Crazy; those crazy Nintendo guys. Put on the special headset, open your eyes and sit in an F1 car, walk through the accountants office or even fly like a bird! You wont puke up, this is the future. You living in the future right now. But remember, vomit will not spill from your gob.

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Mmmm, yes, that’s is very good VR.

Year before release. Best pre-order that VR as soon as possible, don’t get left behind, you chumps. We’ve been playing VR a year before release. Eiffel Tower in your house! We can’t describe the experience, you have to try it.

More exciting VR hype!

shadow of mordor header

Shadow of Mordor: Game of the Year Edition

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Middle-earth™: Shadow of Mordor™ - Game of the Year Edition sunset

Sweet Sunset over Mordor. Please remember, you can push O for your hanging pleasure.

Short Review / SEMI-RETROSPECTIVE : PS4 Version

You’ve seen the “Lord of that Rings” film, now get ready for another computer game. You play as Talion, a ranger man with spooky powers. Now buckle in for a buzzword of a exciting word and verb noun MacDonald.

Hmm, it’s a bit of an old game to review, a whole year and a bit ago. In game years (much like dog years) you could say it’s technically over 7 years old now. Let’s not worry about time or relevance. None of that matters. Nothing ever matters.

Disclaimer – The following contains vast amounts of swearing, which sounds as if I was frothing at the keyboard. So please, imagine a dishevelled hermit screaming from a rock, wrapped in a formally wet smoking jacket made from own-brand tissues.

On with the Show!

Downwell header

Downwell

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Downwell boom

Ka-Boom and friends

VERY SHORT REVIEW: pc VERSIOn

An independently made game? In this day and age? Well I never.

Who is this little bloke falling down a well? Why jump down a well? For riches? Fame? For Fun? Doesn’t sound fun to me. In fact it sounds horrifying.

Who in the buggary-hats came up with such a horrible concept? Let’s see if I can get past this haunting premise…

Jump!

Gravity rush

Gravity Rush Remastered

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Gravity Rush™ Remastered 1

    Oh, Hai Kat.

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VERSIOn

Weeeeeeeeeeeeee! The game.

The original Gravity Rush was released on an abandoned handheld system back in 2012. What a delightfully innocent time. Arrr… 2012… a time where you can leave your front door open, use the term “cowabunga” and cripple bullies without he need for police involvement.

Anyway, the original version fully exploited the lil’ PS Vita system, using every gimmick in the book. A few years later we warmly welcome a re-purposed, re-released Gravity Rush for the PS4. Sliding into scene with updated controls with a lick of new graphical paint, we ask the question…

Does it blend…  No wait…

…Does it hold up?

Shadwen

Shadwen

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shadwen nice

Brown. Brawm. Bronw. Brawn.

sleepwalker-amiga

You little Sleepwalking wanker.

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Shadwell.

Sleepwalker was a great little game. Do you remember it? You had to babysit a sleeping idiot child forever walking forward into traps. It was a novel idea at the time. Ok the idea itself was great, but I didn’t really like the actual game. Frustrated the hell outta me.

Hey? What’s this Shadwen game? Just where did that come from?

Hold on, what does it want? Why is it holding a knife? Oh f-

Shadwell?

overfall header

Overfall

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Overfall orc fight

Casual street fight

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

What the hell is this? That Don’t Starve boat edition? Great, I do like me a bit of Don’t Starve. Oh… it’s not that. Another Kickstarter thing? Psssfh. Fine…

Turn based permadeath roguelike randomly generated world with a wanky quest. Enough buzzwords for ya’? Yeah? Great.

Let’s do it!

Let’s set sail

theway title

The Way

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theway shipshot

Why, it’s a spaceship. Anyway, blap blap blap.

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

The Way was successfully funded via a Kickstarter campaign, citing inspiration from Another World, Heart of Darkness and Flashback. And introducing Pixel art, nostalgias best friend. 

What a promising start to The Way. A sombre introduction with beautiful artwork. I’m looking forward to this.

Shall we compare the game and art direction to some other things? I like that. I’m sure you do too: –

  • Ok, it’s like “Gods Will be Watching” meets 2D “Dreamweb”
  • Or maybe “Chuckie Egg” meets “Custer’s Revengeance”
  • How about “Another World” meets something with pixels.

Anyway, Looks nice, Let’s start this sucker up

Postal-Redux

Postal Redux

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SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

I didn’t play Postal the first time round but I do have vague memories of the media nonsense surrounding it. Why… It was a very long time ago now.

I had to look it up, how the hell would I remember any of this? Bloody hell, was originally released in 1997. Now we have the Redux released a couple of days ago.

Has Father Time been kind to Postal?

Was a remaster warranted?

tales from the borderlands

Tales from the Borderlands

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tales gang

Howdy Folks!

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VERSION

5 Episodic Chapters, 5 Reviews, 5 characters, 5 Fingers, 5 Sweet & Sour Ribs (starter), Five. 

The following contains a loose collection of thoughts as I adventure through Pandora. Pandora is the name of the Borderlands world. What do you mean you knew that already? No need for that language! Look, I was simply explaining just in case you had no idea. You want me to go into the legend Pandora’s box? No? Well shutup then.

Anyway, let’s start the show!

saltandsanctuary

Salt and Sanctuary

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salt 2

Salt and Sanct, take the freshness back.

SHORT NOT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Originally released on the PS4 to warm criticism, the pc community now have the privilege to see what the fuss is about, if so inclined.

Salt and Sanctuary is a tough side scrolling adventure with deliberate mechanics, rewarding precise attacks and a nimble defence. A punishing stamina gauge tests your willpower whilst exotic and varied weaponry and items help keep potential death at bay. The lush and beautifully engineered world betrays treacherous intent, as you scramble through unseen paths, scale stunning 2D architecture slickly introducing witty shortcuts, raising an eyebrow as the masterful circular design reveals itself for an appreciative audience nods.

The elegant art design mirrors a satisfying journey through a startling world filled with charismatic enemies, willing and able, to cut you down at a moments notice. All of this culminates in weighty boss battles demanding your full attention.

An incredibly short synopsis to follow

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