Videogames

Planet Xerg has come under attack from the Beastoids. Oh, computer game plots.

stellaris

Stellaris

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stellaris battle

This isn’t really what the games about. Looks nice and exciting though.

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Review of a 4x strategy game? Oh dear… Reviews for games of this genre tend to waffle on a bit, innit’. Not on this website, oh no. This calls for a short review. 

“What is a 4x strategy game?” you mutter. Why, it’s a nerd game in which you do a Star Trek. You start with a single planet and attempt to best rival civilisations to take over the galaxy. Hopefully to the soundtrack of an 80’s montage sequence.

karate kid

You are. Oh yes, you are.

Paradox Interactive have made some of the finest nerd games known to man, in fact Crusader Kings II is one of my most cherished playthings in recent years. Even if it was a massive pain in the arse to get into.

How do Paradox fare when they come to boldly, something, man has gone to something, something, before. Space.

To infinity… and beyond!

Doom 2016

New Doom: Again – Super Hyper Release Edition

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Publisher spends the equivalent of another games development budget on marketing, review embargo with no review copies before release… Wise to wait. Wise to see if it’s worth your hard earned cash. Wise to dance with a smart cuban heel for pleasant sounds. 

According to the games media New Doom isn’t so bad, good in fact. Erm, if you could consider such statements a review after a single half-day of playing it. Almost as bad as not playing it at all, who would do such a thing.

UPDATE – It’s great. Glad you waited ey’, EY! Wot you ‘n a rush for boi’.

urgh, click here if you feel the need

Dino Dini's Kick Off Revival

Kick Off Revival – Early Thoughts

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It’s easy to become cynical when another name from yesteryear, pops out the woodwork to revive a classic.

But let’s not fall into that trap, let’s look a little closer shall we.

No really, what did happen to the Dino Dini generation of the 90’s?

Dino Dini… what a fantastic name! It’s also a name I hadn’t seen for a long time. So imagine my surprise when I came across Kick Off revival.

Update – Time passes. A review appears.

and thats gots mes a thinkin’

brutal doom

Doom (2016) – Brutal Doom

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New Dooms out tomorrow. Review copies haven’t been sent out.

Bet it’s going to be a giant pile of shit, or best case scenario, a load of ol’ average. Lets review the true successor to Doom. 

BRUTAL DOOM

Update – Reviews are in. New Doom isn’t a pile of cheesehats. Shockingly it appears to be great! Woop an’ that. No idea why Bethesda wanted to hide it from critical acclaim? Still, Brutal Doom is still awesome and free to acquire.

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Wii U Console

Wii U – Wasted potential

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Wii U Games

Just a few decent Wii U Games.

What do you mean the Wii U was a failure? A failure to whom? Business MONEY-MEN SCUM?

The general public appeared to have missed the best Mario Kart, the best Pikmin, and the best Smash Bros. The fools!

I loved what the Wii U attempted. I’m sure a lot of people did. Although…. there is one thing that tickles my annoyance gland.

Not one developer used the Wii U to its full potential. Not even Nintendo.

The following collection of words is essentially a peek into what I really wanted from this strange little box. Or more accurately, a bizarre shotgun rant aimed at no-one in particular.

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Hyper Light Drifter: Update

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SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

A few updates later and the game deserves, no, demands a score revision.

My original review is here. scoring an excellent 8.

Hyper Light Frog

Only leaves the house to go to the shops.

Hyper Light Guy

Hey little guy!

9Bug fixes are great. Possibly enough to bump the score to a 9, but today marks the official inclusion of local co-op. We all know what that means.

Hyper Light Drifter has been bestowed a mighty 9. 

Everything with co-op is better, even exploring a dying world or mutual cheese shop theft. Next week I’ll give it a 10 when it includes the promised FTSE 100 index trading mini-game.

Unsure what the numbers mean? A score guide can fix what ails ya’.

uncharted 4

Uncharted 4: Review Comparison

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Like sexy criminals we broke the review embargo with the incredible gift of the imagination. Ok, I told, I told, a load of lies.

The review embargo curse has been lifted. 

Lets see how my disgusting fabrications check out against the gaming media reviews.

My ‘review’ is here for comparison. I violently insist you read it. My review score was a 9, noting set pieces, parsnips, cinematic pacing and all that other stuff Uncharted did before.

Shall we?

facebook - claw

Online Gaming: Hatred

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Let’s hope the following jibber-jabber can give you’ll a small insight into why I can’t stand playing online games with people I don’t know.

Technically I should love online gaming, but it’s gone terribly wrong. People have a tremendous capacity to ruin good ideas. 

It could be any game but on this day I installed Left 4 Dead 2. By this day I meant yesterday. I hadn’t played Left 4 Dead in over 2 years and truth be told, I wasn’t very good at it in the first place.

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Nioh

Nioh

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Nioh Alpha Demo2

Careful Now! Best do a runner against these 3 lads, just like real life ‘ey.

Demo Impression: PS4 Version

Should I say it or will you? Who will snap first… what’s the first thing you think of when you look at the screenshot?

Dark Souls: Japanese edition.

Now, consider that carefully. Does that sound like a bad thing?

Nioh is a fantasy adventure set in feudal Japan and you are a Samurai. Oh yes you are.

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uncharted 4

Uncharted 4: The Thief’s Big Parsnip

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uncharted 4 yeah

Dynamic Duo! Terrible Twosome! Pair of Thieving Cunts!

SHORT FAKE REVIEW: PS4 VERSION

Please sit down in an oversized cozy chair as I regale you with some affable lies. YES! We shall review Uncharted 4 without playing it.

No, I didn’t manage to get a stolen copy, nice work crooks. Anyway, lets predict the gaming media’s reviews!

Uncharted 4: A Thimbles End begins with an bombastic intro. Taking cues from all your favourite Hollywood films, it explodes on screen with exciting set pieces and some climbing that you cannot fail.  (more…)

Sleeping Dogs

Sleeping Dogs: Definitive Edition

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Sleeping Dogs: Definitive Edition

Wei too much fun.

RETROSPECTIVE: PC (ON RELEASE) / PS4 (DEFINITIVE EDITION)

Waking Cats. An exciting brand new open world game from four years ago, that was pretty good. Probably. I’ll be off then…

Not too long I got really bored of open world games. Bloody strange when you think about it. I got bored of possibility. The open world clones didn’t open the world far enough. Every game was content to change up the formula by a small increment. Again, very strange when you consider that you get to invent a whole new microcosm. A lil’ light bulb flashes above Mr Reginald GameMaker’s head before deciding… let’s make it just like all the others! Maybe chuck in a few mini-games or a tower to climb. I mean, you don’t really need poorly made bowling games in open world games. Very recently that’s changed with some outstanding game releases, including Orcs, Witchers and some Metal Gears, but not so long ago back in 2012 this little gem was released…

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Enter the Gungeon

Enter The Gungeon

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Got Gunegoned

Got Gungeoned

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I’m in love with Enter the Gungeon, it plays great, its replayable and I already know, even at this early stage, that I’ll regularly come back to it over the coming years.

But this is the internet. We can’t have nice things, so lets completely tear it apart. That’s what you want, isn’t it? You filthy internet scum, you disgust me.

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Superhot

Superhot

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Superhot

Super get shot

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Super fop, Super mop, Super Cop starring Jackie Chan. 

I’ve played some amazing games that break the fourth wall in recent times. Stanley Parable, Undertale, Pony Island and now Superhot.

The Stanley Parable was ridiculously clever and very few games have ever made me laugh as much. Undertale is an incredible adventure that has heart. Both of these games are special and toyed with the relationship between player and creator. Playing Pony Island soon after Undertale…  juuuuust about got away with it.

Now we have Superhot… (more…)

Devil Daggers

Devil Daggers

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Devil Duh

Welcome to Doom / Or a prog rock album cover

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Satanic Knife-set, Lucifer Shivs, Devil Chopsticks, Robert Duvall Digger.

Devil Daggers chucks you far in to the deep end. No tutorials, no guidance and a swift death.  You operate within a small space with Eldritch Monstrosities throwing themselves at you until you weep and run away. Or attempt to shoot them whilst running away, mostly running away.

Why… that could make for a rip-roaring fun time! (more…)

Hyper Light Drifter

Hyper Light Drifter

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Hyper Giants

What do you mean they look creepy?

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Go on, look at it. Look at the lovely Pixels you pervert. 

I’ve kickstarted a fair few games in the past and knew actually what I was getting myself into. A tough, pixel art, top down exploring adventure. So what did we get?

A tough, pixel art, top down exploring adventure.

That’s good then.

Update – Score has been amended due to pleasing updates.

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Pro Evolution Soccer Keeper!

Pro Evolution Soccer 2016

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Pro Evolution Soccer London Kebab Shop

The smell of meaty glory.

RETROSPECTIVE: PS4 VERSION

Do you like football? Do you like football computer games? Do you like ankles?  Do you like underwear combustion tablets? No reason, I’m just interested.

We don’t have much time. Let’s get into this immediately. The controls to PES 2016 are wonderfully contextual. No messing with special button combinations to flick the ball around the pitch, the passing’s crisp, the player AI’s superb, it looks great. Want to ping the ball across the pitch? Sure thing, Baines.

So there you have it, PES 2016 is the very best football videogame at this current moment in time.

Nothing to see here, move on

Star Wars Hoth

The Ruinous Pursuit of Fidelity

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old man

Why does he remind me of Herman Munster?

Hmm. Far we have come, INTRODUCTION WEAK YOU SAY.

My jaw dropped with Star Wars Battlefront. It’s amazing. It looks bloody amazing. The sound, the setup, the Hoth.  After enjoying the Beta I had seen everything I needed to see and enjoy. I didn’t need to revisit it, the only mode I may have continued to enjoy was the local co-op mode, but that was a bit of a mess, at least in the demo. My time with it was complete, balance was brought to my wallet.

So… the pursuit of sexy graphics

Broken batman

Microtransactions, Season Passes, Scum and Villainy

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It’s not for you

Remember all, we do have a lovely glossary to combat the nonsense language to compliment the following computer game gibberish

Ye gods people, I’m outraged. Outraged, I say. Not only can giant publisher Warner Brothers sell you a completely broken Batman: Arkham Knight on the PC, but they can sell you a Linux port they don’t intend to release, forcing you to enquire for the refund yourself. You’ve pre-ordered nothing, nothing you fools! Keep buying promises from habitual liars. (more…)

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