Street Fighter V



Welcome to today’s game, Higgings Torpley FC Vs Torquay United.

Kick off 3pm. Referee: Mr Hillside Riviera.

“So Faulstinho Di Trickyshit, what did you think of the new Street Fighter game?”

“It’s a bit fucking empty, isn’t it, mate.”

“Care to explain why?”

It’s all very wells for your C3P0 online pro players and your Justin Wangers, but I’m not much interested in all that online rubbish. I just wanna play a few rounds with my mates at half time, maybe a little bit of single player. You knows. Like that Mortals Kombats or Injustices. They’ve got hundreds of single player stuff. Maybe I’ll dabble playing ‘gainst some bastard I ain’t never ganna meet, but fuck it. One Sec’.

Commentator – Faulstinho Di Trickyshit hovering outside the box. Waiting for the cross. Ohh, out of play. Di Trickyshit’s not happy, is he Dave?

I think the online thing is good yeah, but it’s not for everyone. I, Faulstinho spend my days playing a game with blokes I don’t know for lots of money, I don’t wanna do that in my own time, for no money. So why the fuck did I buy a brand new game that’s half empty? ‘Story’ mode that’s three battles against the computer. Some shitty survival mode. A practice mode thing.  Fucks mes! Game makers are lazy or what? When I did finally play online, Wazza was well pissed off, as I was on a perfect, so Wazza fucking quit. First time I’m winning too! What’s all that about? If he was in the same room I’d give ‘im a dry slap. Phoned Wazza up, he didn’t answer. Bastard was playing some other guy. For a game that’s all about the online stuff, it can’t even handle cheating quitting scum. Fighting online basics, innit.


Bit worried about the lack of sinister men, cheering in the background.

Commentator – Nice one-two between Di Trickyshit and Horst van der Kindergrumer. Oh, Kindergrumer’s looking good today isn’t he Dave?

So what did you enjoy?

Well…. its Street Fighter innit.

Anything else Faulstinho?

What’s to say? Who hasn’t played Street Fighter? It’s got more beards. That’s good.  The new characters are the same nice racial stereotypes, that fit in nicely. I like ’em. I like the poison bastard Fang. I’m still waiting for a kebab shop man, or a upper class toff with cane, or hick, to complete the collection.

What about the technicalities Faulstinho?

Piss off mate. I’m busy going to swanky dinners, bedding models every night, definitely not sitting up all night learning some bloody combo. Throw a fireball, sweep the legs. Done.  You got the magic bar, it builds up, you throw a sexier move.. or some super move. Shrug. It hasn’t really evolved since Street Fighter 4. Not for your everyday player.

Commentator – Weke Bladder’s marauding down the wing. Good cross… Ohhf, Horst van der Kindergrumer tucked that away. Lovely play.

0 – 1


The background sinister men cheer the action. Kill each other. Kill. The beefeater demands blood.

“Sounds like you didn’t have a good time with Street Fighter V Faulstinho?”

I dunno. you just think by the fifth game, it would be bigger and better. It’s like a straight to DVD sequel, Street Fighter V: Return of Jafar. Oi! Billy? BILLY? What did you think?

“Oh ‘ey, loved it”

zan vs bison


There you see, they can’t fuck up can they. Some twat will defend it till the end of time. Look Street Fighter V is fine, but it’s a pisstaker.

Commentator – Di Trickyshit on the edge of the box, Oooh. A fine tackle by Derek Noseworthy. Long clearance. Oh what a goal! Confusion in the box Dave. John Johnington couldn’t miss at that range.

1 – 1

Oh bloodys hells. Look, the Fight bit in Street Fighter is good, just like last time. But I couldn’t give a fuck about downloading a propa’ fucking game in 6 months time. Story to come? Extra character to come? Game modes to come? Decent arcade mode? Come back when you put in the basics.

“What about its looks?”

Look at the screenshots. It’s fine. Decent speed, doesn’t slow down. Shrug. It’s just another Street Fighter to me mate. Saying that. They all look like strange action toys. I mean Ryu looks like a giant dwarf. I dunno. The artwork between battles, look’s like one of those colouring books my daughter likes. Big simple stupid drawings, ready to colour in. Nice big lines. Shrug. Billy?

“Oh ‘ey, I think it looks great”.

Commentator – Substitution, 74th minute. Di Trickyshit slowly jogs off for Nobby Tupperfield.


Boring office Guile. Coming to all good internet near you.

In a years time Street Fighter V would probably be great. It’s like they built Street Fighter V with one eye on competition sponsorship, or the select fighting elite. Let’s face it, if anyone elite it’s me, Faulstinho, on this pitch… erm… bench.  Looks… They forgot to make a game for me. Faulstinho.

Commentator – Final Whistle. What a game. In the end, a stalemate, Good game wasn’t it Dave? Yes, it was, a very good game.

Score: 1 – 1

Attendance: 3,892

Man of the Match: Billy Bean.

6It wont be long before the score is upped to a 7 or 8, as parts of the game are slowly drip-fed in by the internet. But in its current state it’s pathetic. You’ll lap up the scraps. Lap it up you fools. The complete edition will arrive in a year’s time. After that the turbo edition. Maybe Super Hyper Defcon 8 Edition. Capcom did DLC before the internet was invented. You will get in the paddock, stand with the rest of the cattle, as Capcom attach ancient milking devices to you. You will smile and accept such a fate, as you cannot be left behind.  

 Behold the score guide, revel in its glory.