Fallout Shelter


Welcome to today’s game, Portugal Vs Iceland.

Kick off 8pm. Referee: Mr Quaki Limbeer.

“So Faulstinho Di Trickyshit, have you tried Fallout Shelter?”

“I loves the Fallouts! Boom, head explode! Very funny.”

“erm, I don’t think this is the Fallout you’re thinking of Faulstinho.”

“Yes, I cant wait to explore!”

What is this shit? My mobile phones made of gold!? I want the original 3D walking around the Fallouts with quests and guns! Not this 2D basic shit! Fucking mobiley games! Sigh. Guess I’ll try it… Sitting on my arse doing sods alls anyway.

Commentator – Oh dear, look at Faulstinho Di Trickyshit on the bench. He obviously expected to start tonight. Sheer frustration Clive.

fallout shelter build

Go on then.

So, you remember at the beginning of every Fallout game? Do you remember wanting to escape the Fallout shelter or “Vault”? You literally cannot wait to get outta there, explore the irradiated wasteland, start the adventure.

This game is running a vault…


Commentator – It’s all Portugal isn’t it Clive? But plucky Iceland are keeping them at bay.

You build rooms, pick up outsiders to work the rooms and wait 5 minutes for them to “produce” electricity or water or something.

I thought Vaults had cryogenically suspended humans? I thought they didn’t open the doors until they had to? I thought they were isolated experiments to mess with the humans contained? I thought – Oooohhhh.. what a shot!

Commentator – Oh Iceland are plucky aren’t they Clive? Oh what lovely cross and a simple finish from Nani! Portugal ahead!

1 – 0

You can send out strong vault dwellers to go on the kinda adventures you want to be going on, like in the real Fallout games. Bah. Oh bloody hell….

Commentator – Iceland looking plucky aren’t they Clive? Oh what a great cross and a tidy volley. Well done Iceland! They score!

1 – 1

fallout shelter

hive of activity

Good things.

I like how it looks. Runs well on my diamond encrusted phone.

There’s always something to do, build a room, send an idiot out to die explore the wasteland, upgrade a room. Read how the idiots adventures going. Laugh as I forget to equip him the one gun in the vault. Force men and woman to mate against their will. Oh no! A bug attack! Fire! Something requiring me to touch! Ooh, matron.

The good? It’s a wonderful time sink.

Ooffh, my legs. Oh… ‘ere we go.

Commentator – Plucky Iceland still very much in this game.  Looks like we might see the introduction of Faulstinho Di Trickyshit. On he jogs.

fallout shelter boom

Ka-Boom within sensible game related restrictions

Not so good things.

I hate clicking on things for no reason. The bloke “made” power, touch screen to fucking store it. Why do I have to do this? Oh yes, the illusion of relevant gameplay. You’re doing that aren’t you, you’re very important, aren’t you clever. Go on, click the bloke, level him up. He wont do it himself, you don’t even need to choose any meaningful upgrades.

Don’t wait around, buy a lunchbox. You can buy awesome upgrade, don’t waste your time.

At the beginning of my grand vault adventure I endured so much waiting around my phone, my phone automatically turned off to saved power. Let’s say that again. NUFFIN’ WAS HAPPENING! So the inaction technically broke the game. Unless your idea of fun is to caress your mobile screen at random intervals.

The bad? It’s a horrific time sink.

One sec…

Commentator – Nice one two between Ronaldo and Di Trickyshit. What a player Ronaldo is!

fallout shelter the game

Click the things to collect the things. Make more things.

Much like Fifa, if you start from a morally corrupt position, such as fleecing pennies from impressionable children, nothing good will come of it. The design should always start with “how do we make a fun game”. If you start with “how do we make money and a fun game” that design is nearly always compromised, unless it starts and ends with the superficial; like hats.

Time is a commodity you should all cherish. Not watch on a fucking screen, ona’ fucking mobile game!

Let’s say you convert the game to a traditional management game it won’t hold up. It’s threadbare, no-one would stand for it. Plop in some fucking timers and everyone laps it up. Lick, lick, lick, mmmm, bitter.

Commentator – There goes the Final Whistle. Iceland make history tonight. Ronaldo and co wonder what more they could have done.

Also why does the game need access to my photo and media files? Not that I’ve got anything to hide. I Faulstino, football god, have NOTHING TO HIDE. Gulp.

Commentator – It’s goodnight from me and goodnight from Clive.

Score: 1 – 1

Stade Geoffroy-Guichard

Man of the Match: Aron Gunnarsson

3This is the best these games have to offer. No doubt it’s better then Simpsons, Smurfs or some farming nonsense. Maybe. Fallout Shelter does a good job at seduction, as it looks charming. But this is 
the gaming equivalent of 1960’s Alfie. 

Coming to the PC in July I can’t imagine playing this over… any other game on my backlog.

Nothing in life is free. These games are corrupt.

Let Mr J.R score guide explain.