Planet Xerg has come under attack from the Beastoids. Oh, computer game plots.
Do you like paying for things that don’t exist? Throwing money at an idea, surely not at the screen? If the answer is yes, than you sir, are in luck!
Here’s a couple of games you can theoretically pay for, right now!
Now updated with new words such as trust and failure.
Shadow of the Colossus meets 2D Zelda with a magic arrow and a smattering of pixel art. Everyone loves those games! What could go wrong?
I’m tempted to answer this in a one word answer, but that wouldn’t be any fun would it.
Let’s immediately get into it.
Think I’ll just leave this here…. kinda sums up what I thought in my Switch considerations.
Can you taste that… it’s excitement. Excitement all over the shop! Oh, and the sound of a thousand keyboards duplicating carefully worded press-releases about a thing you can buy! See… I’m doing it right now. Blib, blib, blib… blob, blob, blob. Blib.
How exciting!
So we’ll talk about some boring facts before descending into opinions, shrugs and possibly, hope. Mostly shrugs.
It took me 3 attempts to get into Dark Souls. You could correctly argue that’s the games fault. You could even argue that’s my fault for not getting it. Whatever the reason I changed my mind about the game some time later.
Time is a better judge of character then a snap opinion.
Let’s get on with the recap!
Me Sir?
Lumpy applause.
“For the last time tonight, your nominees are: -”
ARGHHH, Run away! Run away! They have actual armour!
“The Winner is…”
Huge overbearing applause.
“I wish to live in a world without conflict, a world where we can leave the front door unlocked. A world where I’m allowed into every bedroom! I believe! I BELIEVE this world is within reach! Your nominees are: -”
Welcome to Doom
Looking good big guy.
“This year’s best shooty-shooty game is…”
Eggs applauding as they are squeezed from the chickens arse. They somehow clap as they roll towards the edge of the table. Screaming as they reach the edge, cracking in a gooey mess. Still they clap. They never stop. Please stop the eggs from clapping.
“Muh, nominees….”
“This year’s best first person shooter is…”
Ethereal applause.
“‘Ello thar, I’ve taken’ over t’ ‘osting duties. Ey. Nominees be: – ”
MUH
“Winner ey’…”
Blah, Blah Blah, words. Just have a looksie…
It’s the same ol’ Fruit Ninja cluttering up your phone, jazzed up and re-purposed for your VR pleasure.
We ask the important question… Does it work?
Huge overbearing applause.
“Without any more gibberish, your nominees are: -”
Hyper Light Camping
“This year’s finest Role Playing Game is…”
Intermittent applause, a man screams.
“Who likes the word IP? Or franchise? You people… Casually accepting corporate language…. What next, will you all “touch base?” I bet you all “do lunch”… You make me sick. And the nominees are… ”
Looks busy right?
“Pass me the envelope Dave….Look, just pass it… for fuc-… Hey now! AND the winner is…”
Hello Little People, it is I. Faulstino Di Trickyshit. Football player, model and games entheusthac…Enthusth… Fan.
This years been a great year for me. Remember my calendar is available from all good stores! I’m particularly fond of March. Anyway, here’s a list of the best trolling efforts brought to you by the games industry this year.
Welcome to the 2016 Top Troll Games of 2016 in 2016.
When an ancient looking, sorry, classic Role Playing game is released in 2016, the simplest way to describe it is to reference Baldur’s Gate.
That was released over 18 years ago.
This is what happens when you grow up with games. So, for those that understand that incredibly old reference, skip to the review. If any of you young whipper-snappers have stumbled across this website by mistake, I’ll stick around and attempt to describe what an old-fashioned isometric RPG is.
Quickly.
No, there isn’t any video content… What do you mean you’ll just look it up on that youstubes. You young people, with your flashy comic-sans words, video content and hippidy-hop-scotch ways, not wanting to read things, grumble, grumble.
“So… In a dungeon again?”
You know Fallout 4 and Skyrim an’ that. Baldur’s gate is the 2D version. But better.
Rather than concentrating on beautiful vistas and slow-mo shooting, these crusty ol’ games had lots and lots of words, world-building and ideas. Some of them very silly indeed. I’m confident no RPG has come close to the original Fallouts low intelligence dialogue options. If you create a stupid character, named… erm…. “Rory Plopper”, you weren’t given a penalty to spell-casting or hacking emails. You’ve spawned a barely functioning, simpering idiot, hardly capable of speaking. Don’t you wanna play that game? Don’t you want to be Rory Plopper?
Bloody hell… even the intro was bloody long. Ok, let’s get on with it!
Blah blah blah, just watch the video from 5:40 to jump to Nintendo Switch action. No, I won’t force you to click into the article to register your interest in the matter. No, I wont force you to read my pathetic account of the video, forcing you to you scroll to the bottom of the page to hunt down the juicy video available everywhere.
Enjoy!
Right, you play that Fifa don’t cha’. C’mon, quickly now… Give me an intro.
Cough… There’s no questioning that I like Fifa, I have for the best part of fifteen years now and it’s the only football series I’ll ever play. We don’t play that Pro Evolution garbage round ‘ere, no way. I love that EA take the same formula and literally dust it off, repackage it and sell it to us like it’s brand new. If it ain’t broke and all that…
How’s this for a piss-poor first day at work? You finally get that swanky promotion to base commander, only to witness the destruction of your beloved Federation. Those pesky uncommunicative murderous space aliens, always with the random acts of mass slaughter on your happy day. Anyway, I guess you’re the last line of defence, again. So… protect your space station and rebuild the Federation. No problem.
Hey, not the worst set up, is it? I had no idea the game was funded through Kickstarter or created in front of a baying early access crowd. It’s good to be patient.
I’m pleased to report they dodged the “cease and desist” letter from Paramount.
I can save you some time here. If you’ve already read the EVE: Valkyrie review, replace the word “spaceship” with “car”, jump to the score and nod approvingly.
Regardless I’ll try to keep it brief. These VR reviews are starting to congeal into a brown pool of review goo with the word immersive stuck in the top. Bit like the flake in an ice cream. An immersive flake.
The Foundation update you say? Hah… I thought the game had a fine foundations. The static universe, displeasing hype and the lack of meaningful pursuits harmed proceedings. At least 20-odd year old Elite Frontier had light piracy, rising through the military ranks and most exciting of all, being a spacebus.
Saying that, I didn’t hate No Mans Sky at all, in fact, quite the opposite and I’m excited by what the foundation update represents.
Short post-release thoughts… incoming!
