FIFA 17: Kidnap Edition


Hey GamerDownStreet? I SAID HEY! Sigh… He can’t hear me from up here. Let’s go down to the basement.

Right, you play that Fifa don’t cha’. C’mon, quickly now… Give me an intro.

Cough… There’s no questioning that I like Fifa, I have for the best part of fifteen years now and it’s the only football series I’ll ever play. We don’t play that Pro Evolution garbage round ‘ere, no way. I love that EA take the same formula and literally dust it off, repackage it and sell it to us like it’s brand new. If it ain’t broke and all that…

Fifa 17

Please help!

Very good. So tell me about the gameplay, how does it fare this year? 

Ok, so every year EA have this habit of just touching things up (like a perverted old granddad) and it’s good most of the time. This year they’ve improved the physics… again, to make it feel more authentic (they say) but my goodness, it worked! Simply jostling with the opposition for the ball is like a mini game in itself and its a different story in each third of the pitch. *idly toying with a wrench* Get to the point.

The gameplay can be slowed down to a nice relaxing but calculating pace, passed between your three man midfield (rather Barcelona-like) or the long ball can be played nicely up to the giant donkey that’ll just head the ball into the back of the net. I just love the fact that no two matches can really be played the same. This Frostbite engine is amazingly beautiful and the flow of each game makes me all bubbly inside.

I couldn’t give a flying fish’s tit about the Frostbite engine. Did you notice any strange bugs? Any interesting tactics to exploit this year? 

I’ve noticed teaming up with your friends on Pro Clubs.. hold on. COUGH… aHNNnnnnngghh, Cough. Unh… Pro clubs can be laggy and unresponsive. I’ll talk about Pro Club in detail later… So you got to keep me around… right?! 

Are star players overpowered? 

Not so much, other players have been bumped so it’s pretty even. I’m cold.

Fifa 17

Care for a Dab sir?

Bah… ok, what about the graphics?

Graphics are good, ok moving on!

I can loosen the chicken wire if you answer the following questions correctly. Are there any game modes you particularity enjoyed this year? Are there any you think are a waste of time? 

I prefer Career mode, taking my team to the top… You know the score. Swiftly followed by Pro Clubs, yes, even with the bugs. You create a brand new team with friends, each of them taking control of their own created player. You then venture online taking on other created teams, complete with leagues an’ everything. Sounds good doesn’t it.

I’ve barely played single player mode the Journey. 

How about the online stuff? Is it better then last year? Also would you like a glass of water, been a while hasn’t it? 


Here you go, nice and cold. So tell me about this Alex Hunter chap.Party Hard

Alex who?

FIFA 2017

Some miserable faced bloke in Fifa.

Who doesn’t like a new game mode? On its own I think The Journey is fantastic, the ups, the downs, the cutscenes, the sex scandals or lack thereof is brilliant and its been something I’ve wanted in a football simulator for the longest of times. Its a wonderful addition and something I feel was welcomed by all FIFA players even if its just a mode played while you’re frustrated about losing on Ultimate Team.

Is the journey just for a single season? is the story interesting, did you care? Do your choices matter? Do the managers rate you properly? Is it too short? Tell me GamerDownStreet, I get impatient!

Ok, I’ll level with ya. I didn’t even finish a single season, got bored of it. I found out through friends I’m only playing a storyline, not influencing it. Everyone was sent on loan, I gave up soon after. Can I go home now? …..

Oh yeah, I’ve got more… There was a recent update on FIFA introducing the Premier League graphics, this again is a lovely addition and just makes FIFA a wonderful experience to… experience, I’m sure you know what I mean.

Side note: who wanted women’s teams back?

Fine, although I’m not sure about the term “lovely”… Are there micro-transactions? Do you mind them?

Yeah they’re around in Ultimate Team, which is essentially an online fantasy football. I don’t play it, waste of time.  To get a half decent team you’ve got to spend at least £20 in coins. Shrug.

Fifa 17

He’s crazy, please call for help!

*click* Final comments please.

FIFA 17 is definitely a must buy this year and if you don’t have it already, what the hell is wrong with you?

Summing up, I’m a fan and once again FIFA has not let me down. It’ll be played for far too many hours and that’s what we like. Take a bow son. Is that enough? Is that OK? You said you’d let me go if I did a decent job…


8Oh shit… I forgot to ask him for his score summing up. Erm. So GamerDownStreet gave it an 8, that’s nice. He really likes that FIFA doesn’t he? What a lovely legacy. Shame about the smell.

I’ll be off then.