E3 2018: Judgement Day
Birdsong fills the air. Peace and quiet. Joey Jo Jo creaks in her chair with a cool drink and nods as Scott joins her. This is bliss. A monster truck pulls out 15 donuts.
“Hey, Joey Jo Jo. Have you met our new neighbour yet?”
Mud covers the porch.
“So…”
“So, Scott… Can you hear Andrew WK?”
“Yep. E3 has come around once again. To be honest I can’t face talking about it. Bullshots, non-gameplay trailers and people that get overexcited about corporate promises. I’m completely unqualified for whoops.”
“Me either. Well, you know what to do.”
Scott and Joey Jo Jo both look round to the forbidden door. The Monster Truck is somehow on two wheels. The strains of Andrew WK get louder.
“Yes. It is time to release the Cari. Have you got the key?”
“150 Pokémon! That is all I care about. I care very little for Mew…
“Sigh.”
… I am a Kanto region fan, so “Pokémon Lets Go Pikachu” and “Pokémon Lets Go Eevee” both excite me maybe a bit too much. My very first Pokémon game was Pokémon Blue on the Gameboy Colour and although I never completed it, I loved that game. I have played other Pokémon games since but due to the never ending additions of more Pokémon I never quite felt attached to the Pokémon I was catching and using. What the f*%k is a Treecko?! I want Bulbasaur! Now, I shall be acquiring a Pokeball Plus, you can’t stop me!
I don’t understand a word he’s said. Should we stop him?
Nah, let’s see where this goes.
So what if I am a fully grown professional male… I am a fan first, you bitches! Sorry. Honestly, does anything else need to be discussed about Pokémon? You know what to expect, you all know you will purchase it and if you are smart (which I assume you are) you will go for “Pokémon Lets Go Eevee” rather than the Pikachu version as… well… You know. All in all, Pokémon won for me. Let’s Go!”
Cough… So that was, erm… Interesting. In other news, I was excited to finally get a peek at Death Stranding…
Was there anything else that has excited you Cari?
Yes…
THE DIVISION 2! Ok, so I was a fan of The Division 1… Till I finished the story. I do appreciate the fact that Ubisoft heard what was being complained about and decided to fix it. Enter Key Word – ENDGAME! Learning from previous mistakes seemed to be the theme of E3 this year and The Division 2 is a clear example. We didn’t see anything regarding the Darkzone but I have faith that Ubisoft will not fail. Today, the Division is not a bad game, the DLC was able to give it some real good afterlife features and I do find myself hopping on from time to time but I feel The Division 2 might have me hooked again like a lovely virtual (under the counter) drug. RAIDS!! Enough said.
Now, the only game that surprised me was Ghost of Tsushima. Something new! Brilliantly Sony trolled their audience by moving them into a different area for no real reason, before presenting a man on stage doing some fluting.
This man was forced to flute for a full 45 minutes, against his will… for some money.
Everyone was both bored and angry. Excellent! You got to love Sony for wasting people’s time on such arrogant nonsense. Anyway…
How about you Cari? Was there anything that pleasantly surprised you?
Yes.
Another entry from Ubisoft. Assassins Creed: Odyssey is the AC game I am sure we have all been hoping for.
Wouldn’t be E3 if there wasn’t another Assassin’s Creed game, eh?
I could see some Breath of The Wild, Witcher 3 and even Fable elements in the mix, surely a game that has borrowed (stolen) from the best cannot fail… Surely? I refuse to accept this game will flop, I’ll eat my hat, I’ll eat my hand, I’ll eat you readers if this does not get a review score of at least 8 when it gets released later this year. Yeah, I said it mother f*%kers!
Are you going to say “yes” each time?
Yes! Right, let’s try to calm this down a bit. Is there anything that you didn’t appreciate? I’m not sure too many people were pleased that Fallout 76 is online only, but I think it makes sense. Fallout 4 couldn’t be arsed with decent quests as it preferred to concentrate on building things. You might as well get the public to entertain themselves. Give them the systems and world and good luck to ya. If you want something a bit more Fallout 2, we have it in the shape of Wasteland, or for a slightly different flavour, Pillars of Eternity, Divinity: Original Sin 2, or maybe even Torment. Big flashy AAA Fallout must alienate and shed its previous fans in a desperate attempt to chase that fabled battle royal money.
YES!
I agree, I will not be purchasing Fallout 76. Four times the size of Fallout 4? Na mate, you’re alright, I think I’ll purchase Just Dance 2019 instead.
Don’t mind me, just adding Just Dance 2019 to my Christmas wish list.
Saying that, my biggest disappointment is Team Sonic Racing. Team based driving? Teamwork? All Sonic characters? Dropping all aspects that made Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed great? Fuck that.
Hey Cari, did you see that new Spiderman game? It looks fantastic but I wish the trailer wasn’t so explodey and showed off the core game. E3 isn’t really the place for subtlety.
E3 is supposed to be exciting. If Michael Bay did videogame conferences they would be E3. Sorry, E3!!! Anyway, here’s ya wish!
Well, I wanted a new Mario Kart to be announced but we can’t all get what we want. At least we have Overcooked 2, Overcooked always calmed me down after some intense racing on MK8: Deluxe.
It didn’t calm me! You never pass the burgers on time. Do you have an overall winner?
Yes! It must be Assassin’s Creed Odyssey.
Really?! I’m surprised. I thought it would be this…
… or maybe even this?
Anyway. That’s quite enough for one year. Back in your box Cari. See you again next year. Wait… what do you mean you’ve lost the key? Check down the sofa! Oh crap… Best get the tranq gun.
The sun slowly sets as the birds silence themselves in respect of the coming hunt. Ominously, the Monster Truck’s missing…