Empire – Typical episode review.

The Scene: A tacky penthouse adorned with cheap props.

Enter Lucious Lyon mumbling, scratching and complaining. He acts and looks like an early 90’s tough gangster type. For no reason whatsoever he sits at the piano and breaks out in song. He sounds closer to Stevie Wonder, instantly breaking the tough gangster illusion the show so desperately craves.

The song is heartfelt tale about his troubled childhood and scotch eggs.

You’ve just noticed he’s wearing a cravat. Lyrics include “I’m from the street, I quite like beats, like my heartbeat, Street – Street – Street”

Lucious Lyon

Lucious Lyon plotting in his plotting chair.

Cookie enters the scene. She is sassy and the main reason to watch the show.

Cookie Lyon

Cookie. Everyone’s favourite character.

Another woman swaggers into the scene from the other side of the set.

She’s in a ruby red dressing gown, sexily smoking a cigarette.

Dot Cotton

The other woman.

Cookie – “Oh no she didn’t”

The other woman slinks off in disgrace. Lucious is hugely displeased.

Lucious Lyon speaks to her respectfully.

Cookie – “Oh no she didn’t”

Lucious Lyon is incredibly rude to her.

Cookie – “Oh no she didn’t”

Andre Lyon walks in. The actor has a deep sadness behind his eyes, as he knows he would never be loved. He discusses business and admits he will never sing. The audience lets out an audible sigh whenever he walks on set.

Andre Lyon

Possibly the best actor in the show. Poor sod.

Andre – “Business”.

Cookie – “Oh no she didn’t!”

Lucious Lyon – “Shut it, Cookie!”

Andre sits down on an uncomfortable looking sofa looking a bit bi-polar. Cookie paces the room waving her finger around willy-nilly.

Hakeem Lyon enters the scene. He is younger and raps. You immediately hate him and his youth. He speaks about his new woman. Lucious evilly plots a light hearted musical.

Hakeem Lyon

These sunglasses cost more than your car.

Cookie – “Oh no she didn’t!”

Hakeem Lyon – “I’m from the Street yeah, Street!”

Lucious Lyon – “Shut it, Cookie!”

Hakeem admits defeat and sits deflated on the other side of the room. He shakes his head for up to 2 minutes. Lucious evilly plots a coup.

Jamal Lyon knocks on the door, there is some discussion about who will answer it. After a monumental fight Cookie opens the door. Lucious evilly plots to steal his sons shiny sunglasses with a convoluted plot. Jamal walks in. Musical based discussion breaks out, another man walks in the room and immediately straddles him.

Jamal Lyon

He gently floats into the scene in an ethereal manner.

Cookie – “Oh no she didn’t!”

Lucious has a fit.

Jamal – “Struggle, Struggle, Oh the Struggle.”

Cookie – “Oh no she didn’t!”

Andre – “Business.”

Jamal is in love with this man instantly. Lucious immediately disowns him.

Hakeem – “Street yeah, Street!”

Jamal – “Oh the Struggle”

K.I.T.T – “Where would you like to go Lyon family?”

Lucious Lyon – “Shut it, Cookie!”

Noami Campbell – “How did I get here?”

Cookie – “Oh no she didn’t!”

They all break out in song apart from the business boring one. Lucious evilly plots his escape.

Black Glee ends as K.I.T.T turbo-jumps Lucious out of the apartment window. Cookie looks to the camera, rolls her eyes, before somersaulting out the window. Away she goes chasing after him. Will she catch him? Will Lucious finally get his hands on those lovely shiny sunglasses?


Disclaimer: This gibberish article was a light hearted piss-take, due to the shows tendency for flippant stereotyping, superficial characterisations, insane breakouts of spontaneous singing and outlandish personality changes. But you knew that already right? Right?

Legal Notice - K.I.T.T Harrington 2000 supplied by Wee-Superwheels™