Review of every consultant detective show ever

Detective shows are great aren’t they? Everyone likes clever-dicks working through clues and making up a load of ol’ twaddle.

Do you know what’s better than a police detective?

Yes, that’s right, a smug consultant showing the incompetent police how it’s done.

Let’s enter the nosy, busy-body world of top notch amateur sleuthing. They don’t play by the rules, they don’t know the rules.

Insert the finest tobacco into your favoured pipe, as we review every single one of these shows ever! At the end we’ll decide which one is the best!

Detectives in front of shops

Important consultants milling around the front of some shops. On Wednesday.

Lets start the mammoth review process!

The Mentalist

A con artist inexplicably solves crimes with a sassy, sexy female partner.

Fun Fact – The actor playing suave Patrick Jane changed his name by deed poll to, you guessed it, Patrick Jane! If you see him walking around the streets or local supermarket, scream his name, scream it in his face. Follow him if possible. Never stop screaming despite Patrick’s humble protests.

Score – 79% smug.

Lucifer (also know as The Devilist)

The devil inexplicably solves crimes with a sexy, sassy partner.

Lucifer contains high levels of audience disdain, with a faint smell of shiitake mushrooms.

The writers just hate all human life!

Score – V. Poo-er indeed


A sexy zombie lady inexplicably solves crimes with a sassy, lighthearted comic relief character.

Fun fact – The entire writing staff were shocked to find Zombies are an extremely popular modern phenomenon, having been convinced that they had invented the concept.

Score – 3 Donut holes / 5

CSI: All of them

A team of thinly written stereotypes solve crimes. All of them have sassy one liners, some of them are sexy. Sunglasses. Not a consultant detective show, but you didn’t mind it’s inclusion, you craved it.

Fun fact – A fantastically unpopular show that receives thousands of pieces of hate mail in the post every day!

Score – Churned out  / 10


A female psychic inexplicably solves crimes with a cop partner who, is most likely, sassy or sexy, who knows, who even cares? You?

Fun fact – Not one human being has ever watched the show! Now in it’s 7th season.

Score – Trademarked Score©


Author inexplicably solves crimes with a sassy, sexy female partner.

Score – 4 haircuts out of 5.


Mathematician inexplicably solves crimes for the FBI.

Fun fact – After losing several numbers on set, the cast were relieved to find number 4 hiding under the comfy sofa. The unspeakable acts that followed have passed into legend and number 4’s no longer seek fame in Hollywood.

Score – Mocking, almost arrogant tone / 10

New Tricks

Old fuckers inexplicably solve crimes with a sassy, sexy older-female boss.

Score – Cheap Kebab / Kebab


Sexy people inexplicably solve crimes.

Score – Luxury expensive kebab / Kebab

Father Dowling Mysteries

Catholic Priest inexplicably solves crimes with a sexy, sassy nun.

No really, this was a real tv show.

Score – No kebab / Kebab

Detective Merman: The Merman Mysteries

Sid James is a man-mermaid that inexplicably solves crimes with a sexy, sassy young police detective.

Fun fact – The show was hugely popular in China. So much so, that Sid James has a special week long religious festival, complete with trademark laugh.

Score – 10/10


Miserable doctor who may, or may not, have inexplicably solved crimes. I bet he did once or twice.

Fun fact – What do you mean this isn’t a detective show? What do you know? Have you watched them all? I bet he solved at least one crime. Ok, ok, let’s imagine the naughty viruses are clues to catching the criminals….

Score – Prince George / 10

Murder She Wrote

Withered author inexplicably solves crimes in more and more outrageous scenarios.

Warning: Contains extreme adult content.

Score – 5 Pies / 5 Pies. 


Cartoon dog quite rightly solves murders in a sobering reflective portrayal of modern America. Powerful.

Score – Charlie Sheen

Diagnosis Murder

Dick Van Dyke diagnosis murder

Dick Van Dyke

Dick Van Dyke on roller skates. And introducing Barry Van Dyke.

Dick Van Dyke’s moustache.

D.V.D in a lab coat.

D.V.D laughing at the end of every episode, Barry also laughs. We all laugh.

Every single episode.

Barry forever running. Barry, mammoth Barry, ruining each shot.

Score – Dyke Dick


All the most important consultant detectives.

The winner by unanimous decision is?

Columbo. It’s always Columbo, he’s a propa’ detective. Not like the above frauds.

Well done if you guessed correctly!

Please collect your gift coupon from the allotted prize area.

scooby sid