Kingdom Come: Deliverance: Not Review


This isn’t a review. This is a rant.

Disclaimer: The following contains righteous harsh language and furious anger. Also a picture of a bowl of fruit.

Update – Now with additional picture show “Henry and the Great Fall”.

The game is broken. Don’t buy it.

Kingdom Come Deliverance 1

Is this… a.. yes… a flying turd!

You begin as a blacksmith’s son in 15th century Bohemia… Or let’s just say Europe. There’s a focus on realism, and an argument claiming the game is racist but it doesn’t matter. The game’s broken so it’s irrelevant.

The story setup is familiar. I don’t think you’ll be surprised at what happens to your family, and the game is very pretty, but I think it’s fair to remind you at this point that the game is broken.

You learn skills by doing them, the game is highly immersive. I quite like the main character and supporting cast, the voice acting is patchy as fuck. There are some very strange American accents thrown in here.

There is definitely an excellent game buried in here. I’ve spent the past 3 days trying to fight through the bugs and mechanics. The sword fighting is excellent! I would expand on this, but it’s not a review.

Rant will continue after the following picture break.

bowl of fruit

Bowl of Fruit

Kingdom Come Deliverance 3 pickpocket


You’ll feel cheated when the guards search you to find contraband you’re not carrying. You’ll be cheated by the lack of meaningful feedback. You never know what you can and can’t do. Am I hidden in the shadows or not? Will the game punish me for the crime I thought I got away with?

The mechanics are mostly interesting, which is good. Let’s go in-depth on the delicate art of pickpocketing. You hold the button to bring up a timer… this timer tells you how much time you have to rummage around some pockets. The timer dial turns red and green and I don’t know why. What does that do? The in-game instructions reveal nothing. Even the mighty Google doesn’t have an answer. How do you know when you’re close to being caught? No idea. Good luck with that. How do you get better? You practice on your thief mentor of course and that grind’s fucking, fucking boring. Maybe you could quicksave before trying your luck in someone’s pockets? Nah, can’t do that. You have to drink a very special alcoholic beverage. Great idea in theory, but I’ve just started this game and have no money. Ok, you can have a nap, that autosaves, but my bed’s on the other side of the map, and I’m overladen, so I can’t quick travel and because this game insists on being realistic*. I can’t find a local nearby bed and when you can summon a horse out of thin air with a magic whistle, why insist on the charade? It’s definitely a computer game as I knocked out 4 bandits in front of one another, as they either didn’t notice me doing it, or had previously agreed they were NPC’s in a computer game and longed for death.

*Why can’t we have a slower quick travel? It eats more in-game time when you travel on the map? But, here’s the thing. It’s still quick! Wait, if it’s so realistic, why do we even have quick travel in the first place!

Kingdom Come Deliverance 2 knock out bug

Friendly choke hold in front of Mr Bandits best friend.

Obtuse design is not the problem. As I said, it is interesting. I love the idea of booze actually being a game mechanic. Normally booze is just there, cos, ya know, booze. You learn to cope with the design choices and work around them. You get to know the map, cobble some coin together and chuck stolen goods on your horse. Speaking of which, your mighty stead will forever struggle against its true enemy… mild undergrowth and terrible collision detection. “Stay on the road. Keep clear of the moors.” American Werewolf in London – 1981

It’s the subtle bugs, the silly bugs, and the “fuck this game I’m not playing it anymore” bugs.

Not being able to walk up some stairs on the main quest raised an eyebrow. I mean, it’s the main story, you’d think you’d ensure that works, right?

Kingdom Come Deliverance 4 bug stairs

I have been bested by stairs. DAMN YOU BUGGY STAIRS!

Nah. Fuck it.

The next part of the main quest is straight broken and if you’re going to have a fun save system, you make sure your game fucking works.

Edit – A hotfix has sorted out the broken main quest. As expected. But it doesn’t discount the time the game crashed when loading a bloody cut-scene, wiping out a good hour of progress.

Fuck Kingdom Come: Deliverance and don’t buy it. Or you could wait a good 3 to 6 months for the many, many patches. Do what you want, it’s your life. I’m hoping to return to the game in the near future.

Also the hero’s named Henry. I like that. I didn’t get to hear Brian Blessed. I don’t like that.


Henry and the Great Fall

After the hotfix I decided to play on and will admit, I’m having a good time… when it works. Yes, I’ve come across further bugs to make you say “oh for fuck sake” loudly.

This is the adventure of the alchemy table.

Kingdom Come Deliverance Take off!

I have indeed learned Alchemy and the power of flight.

Kingdom Come Deliverance Going

It’s a bit like that bit when Charlie and Grandad farted in the chocolate factory.

Kingdom Come Deliverance trees

“Trees are looking a tad shoddy from up here. Hmm… I wonder if I’ll need any mint?” Whistle.

Kingdom Come Deliverance Honk

“HONK HONK!” – Jeremy. Peep Show.

Kingdom Come Deliverance very high

“I am a pioneer, a visionary. I SEE ALL!”

Kingdom Come Deliverance the fall

Oh shit!

Kingdom Come Deliverance Argh

“ARGHHHHHHH” deep breath “ARGHHHHHHhhhhhhh”

Kingdom Come Deliverance

It is indeed, Game Over.

Top Tip – You can get round this bug by removing your shield and gauntlets. Unfortunately I encountered a further bug were Henry floated slightly above the table so I couldn’t put the mortar and pestle down. Ho-Ho-Ho! Seriously, don’t buy this game yet.