Super Smash Bros: Speculation Misadventure

I do believe the greater public have become quite excited for this thing called the Supers Smashings Bros coming to the Nintendo Switch.

A Nintendo Direct trailer hit the… erm.. internet streets and contained a nice surprise? At least for the likes of us as we all rather enjoy shouting at each at point blank range.

You can watch it below, if you’re in the mood.

We ask the question:

Which characters would we like to see in the upcoming Super Smash Bros?

This was an excellent Nintendo Direct. I’m hoping the next WarioWare jumps from 3DS to the Switch as it’s an ideal party game. Lastly, if you can, download the Kirby demo for the Switch, it’s bloody great. Anyway, Enough waffle…

First up, welcome Joey Jo Jo. What characters would you like to see in the new Super Smash Bros?

Joey Jo Jo

How come Viewtiful Joe hasn’t appeared in a Smash Bros game yet? He’d be perfect. He’s got a recognisable outfit, special powers and a catchphrase, “Henshin-a-go-go, baby!”

Viewtiful Joe was one of the bestselling games on the Gamecube, but maybe hasn’t appeared in Smash Bros yet as he has already been in a fighting game on the Wii: Tatsunoko vs. Capcom: Ultimate All Stars . The point is, his own game was pretty much nonstop high-speed smashing and he could have the VFX cinematics as part of his special moves. I’d vote for him.

John Cena. I don’t know why, I don’t even watch wrestling. I just think that he has a funny face and every time he smashes you off the screen, his theme song would play.

I don’t really get the “You can’t see him” thing either. Can he make himself invisible? He’s huge! Well, I could give him invisibility but that’s too obvious, so I’m going to give his Smash character the ability to teleport. Job done.

He has some magic powers, a massive sword and 4 different types of minions. Having minions isn’t even cheating because the dude from Pikmin had a bunch of intergalactic buddies when he appeared, so no harm no foul. He can be your classic overpowered, oversized character.
Like Bowser or Ganon, but y’know, bigger.

What about levels? I think there should be a Portal level, so I can punch, sorry, I meant smash you off the side of the screen, but there’s a chance you go through a portal and reappear on the opposite side, maybe smashing someone else in the process. Yes, I like that. To avoid infinite falling through portals, each portal has to move or disappear and reappear every so often so that they’re not aligned. Or at least, not aligned for long.


Super Smash Bros deserves someone with heritage and a touch of class… and can also spit at an impressive distance.

May I introduce Guybrush Threepwood.


*Pick up Door* – “I can’t pick that up”.

With an impressive array of talents such as holding his breath for 10 minutes and looking at things in a humorous fashion, Guybrush is an ideal combatant*.

Head of the Navigator

“Hello, head.” indeed

Guybrush’s has a large inventory of powerful attacks. With the ability to whip out a Rubber Chicken on a pulley, sell us some fine leather jackets or inexplicably utilise a rotting voodoo head. You’ll stand in awe at his incredibly spacious underpants.

“I want to be a mighty pirate” claims Mr Threepwood and if he joins the Smash roster… who are we to disagree?

*not an ideal combatant.

I’d like to pick Rik Mayall as my second choice, but figured he would be too good as everyone would pick him. I mean, he does have the loose affiliation with that Nintendo. Returning to actual game characters I’m tempted to say Bomb Jack, but that’s a tad too obscure. So, let’s go with this guy.

Mr Blade

“Some motherfuckers are always trying to ice skate uphill.”

I’m tired now. Let’s just go with Guybrush, ok.


Do I have to do this now? I’m currently playing the Kirby Demo… It’s awesome!

Well seeing as I’m here, I want a bunch of characters in Smash Bros for Switch. My favourite character ever was Young Link from Super Smash Bros Melee. Nintendo decided to take him away and replace him with Toon Link who was and is absolutely terrible! Anyway, just as I’m sure Young Link won’t be making a return I’m confident Crash… From Crash Bandicoot will, and will be available from launch (we hope). With the news that the Crash N.Sane trilogy is available from July 10th this could be a way to get a few heads turning at the fact that Crash is on a Nintendo product (And it really could be for that single reason).

A character that deserves some god damn respect in the Nintendo universe is Waluigi, despite appearing in multiple Mario Kart games (Bring back Double Dash!) he is yet to debut in the Smash Bros series. This is a genuine gripe. We’ve had Ice-Climbers, Wii-Fit Trainer, Peach is terrible and Pokemon keep getting added… Why have Nintendo just not added Waluigi yet, surely his time is now?

Now with Smash acquiring licenses for characters like Ryu, Sonic and Pac-Man I am hopeful we’ll get a great third party character added to the roster. My shout is Geralt. You know Geralt… tall, pale and looking for Ciri. He’d be a fantastic addition to the series provided they can manage his spells and swordplay. Hmm, maybe not the best shout (the very next day Geralt as been confirmed as a guest character in Soul Calibur VIl. Oh how we laughed – Mr CheeseGrator). Ok then, maybe Knuckles from… You already know where Knuckles is from. As they already have Sonic, adding Knuckles wouldn’t hurt and if they have the time Tails is always welcome but NEVER AMY!

Those are the characters I’d like to see in Super Smash Bros for Nintendo Switch. Can I go now?


I would like to be able to customise my own character using some sort of technology which would allow me to map my own body shape using mildly radioactive lasers. Preferably it’d involve a one-size-fits-all spandex suit with little green pointers on it that only gets washed occasionally. The suit would only have a zip in the mouth for breathing purposes when fully robed otherwise, no naked flesh would be visible underneath the spandex prison. The only restriction I would like set on this is that the avatar you create must be made of potato.

You could have all this cool tech that would be so fine-grained as to like capture slight subtleties in expression in that way that L.A. Noire did so well that it was abundantly fucking clear what the hell was going on at any point whatsoever. Is he lying? Is he not? Just mash the keypad. This would then be applied to a starchy carbohydrate based creation based on you.

Steve's Body Mapper

I feel that the mapping process should involve no more than fifteen hours to complete, but I wouldn’t want them to skimp on the quality of humanistic encapturement, so I’m relatively flexible with that number. I’ll leave that sort of thing to the boffins. I’d like to make it clear that I’m also open to violent imagery being shown to the player while the mapping is taking place in order to find out what their reaction to this imagery is. This psychological test can be used to add points to your character such as +1 trauma or +3 kinky.

Once your character has been captured by the device(s), it should then be impossible to change in any way ever again. The config should then be sent to all police databases so that you are automatically added to identity parades all over the world without even having to lift a finger. Ideally we’d reach a point where you have five, six million people in an identity parade, some of them not even alive when the crime happened, ensuring no suspect can get away from the crimes. That way, every time you played the game, you’d get a warm feeling in your belly as you’d also be helping rid the world of crime, as long as those crimes were your own. Bypassing an identity parade should be an option as part of some sort of DLC, but should only be possible on a case by case basis.

Whenever your character were to get “smashed” in the game, you would end up as a mashed potato.

We would like to confirm that Steve’s selection is fully endorsed by the entire staff at Inputerror and each and every reader in a binding visual contract. We will sue you if we find that you have not endorsed Steve’s character choice.

Thank you and goodbye.

Super Smash Power Blessed