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Berserk and the Band of the Hawk

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

How many issues can a man ignore? Before you call him a fan?

I’ll begrudgingly waste my introduction on what ‘Berserk’ and ‘Musou’ things are. So don’t be afraid to skip ahead to the review. I’m going to make this as boring as humanly possible, you deserve it.

Musou is the title given to the Dynasty Warrior games and their many, many spin-offs. You take control of a powerful individual slicing through hundreds of soldiers to carry out objectives on a teeming battlefield. Nice. Sometimes you’re charged with dicing a particular enemy, or the most dreaded of missions in which you protect an idiot AI. Damn your eyes escort missions! These games are closely related to the side-scrolling beat em up of yesteryear. Mindlessly therapeutic. Not for everyone.

Berserk is a grim 1988 manga adapted to every other medium known to man, and is a direct inspiration for things you might already love. I’m pretty confident few people are reading this review without a passing knowledge of the source material; which begs the question, why are you reading this intro? I told you, this is for those without any knowledge of Berserk. Are you mocking me? Oh yes, it’s a big laugh for you isn’t it. ‘Look at him, wasting his time, explaining the things we already know’. Shall I dance now? Dance for your entertainment.

Sigh, anyway. Berserk tells the story of Guts the lone mercenary, and his sexy friendship with another man, and his mercenary group the Band of the Hawk. I’d suggest any newcomers watch the 2012 films, or original 1997 series. The game does a terrible job at digging into the story.

I’m tired now, and that was pretty boring. I’ll finish this tomorrow.

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Pathologic: Marble Nest Demo

Good news everyone.

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Not an excuse to load the page with gifs, honest.

Do you like free thingys? Did you not buy any of the highly rated games of the year? Do you have spare time? Erm, good, I think.

Hidden away on it’s steam page is a small stand-alone Pathologic demo created by the excellently named Ice Pick Lodge. Your mighty test is to find the demo button. So, you can click here for the steam page… if ya’ want.

It’s a standalone experience, so knock yourself out.

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The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild

SHORT REVIEW: wii u VERSION

This is a game where most reviews are rendered null and void, as they simply do not matter. Didn’t you see the word Zelda in the title?

The Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild is a game of discovery, secrets and surprises. So in essence, fuck the internet right now. It’s like the games media’s running a competition as to who can spoil the game in the most. They might as well start every article with ”ave you seen this, mate!”.

So indulge me as we enter none-spoiler valley, to peek at the most well received game of our time. Incidentally, I won’t insult you by explaining any story elements. Newcomers only need know this; you are the hero Link in the land of Hyrule.

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Marvin the martian

The Great Game Statement of March

What do you mean it’s been quiet ’round here? I’m currently getting through The Last Guardian, lovely new Zelda, Torment and even Final Fantasy.

Unfortunately these games take over a year to review, especially as I’m not a fan of cracking premature opinions to a strict deadline. I know, it doesn’t help the clicks. (Note – need more clickbait). Wait, new Nier’s out already!? Wait, I don’t have advertisers to suppliant!

Good news! I have played lots of other games. Bad news. I’ve not had the ability to really get my teeth in them. Unsuitable for review purposes you might say. Could also say that most of them didn’t deserve the time.

It would be a shame for all that fantastic knowledge to go to waste. So let’s go through each and every one of them. In a paragraph or two. So c’mon guys, check out this hot take.

I don’t know what a hot take is. Why is it hot? Truth be told, it’s likely cold now.

C’mon guys, check out this cold take.

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Assassins Creed: The Movie

I did not watch this film as I was playing the cripplingly addictive Motorsport Manager. The movie played in the background.

I refuse to look up the plot, characters or even basic details such as character names; all in the name of journalistic integrity.

I’m confident that watching the film at periodic intervals with a single eye, is the correct universal method of watching Assassin Creed. Please do not attempt this method with a Torment: Tides of Numenera, as such a game requires your full focus.

So, let’s get started with an in-depth review!

Indignant additional commentary by Joey Jo Jo

On with the Review!