A Review of every Steven Seagal movie ever

Scene – A very bland apartment block, not cheap, not expensive. Paper thin walls. Nice area, excellent travel connections and a school nearby if you’re planning to have kids.

Block of Cheddar enters the room at an incredibly slow pace. Squinting it surveys the room, mumbles a quip and flicks his ponytail. No really, I have no idea what the quip was, sounded like “iwillbruiseyouenvironmentmustbesavedbusinessisbad”.

Block of Cheddar is ‘at one with the earth’ because he’s a Native Indian, or Japanese or something, something, honour, that’s not made clear. Being Honourable also means he doesn’t really have to speak or be interesting.


On Deadly Feta

The Block of Cheddar slides up to the door, takes a sharp intake of breathe and barges the door down with his shoulder, he can’t be arsed to kick it.

A hailstorm of bullets!

Each bullet misses by the ninja act of the sidestep. Now Block of Cheddar is mad and makes that determined face, you know the one. It’s that face, or passive.

4 men with incredibly oversized guns rake the room with gunfire for an entire minute and twenty two seconds; luckily the bullets embed themselves in the luxury sofa.

A moment of calm.

The 4 bad men assume for absolutely no reason that Block of Cheddar has been killed and start laughing, slapping each other on the back and one even breaks out in song.

Big mistake.

Block of Cheddar leaps from behind Hired Goon no.1 and kinda hits him; it’s enough to send him flying into the conveniently placed pole in the middle of the room. Blood and teeth splatter everywhere.  Whilst this was happening the other three blokes get ready to attack.

Goon no. 3 is Asian and also has a ponytail.

He leaps in and Block of Cheddar kinda moves a bit to the right this time and waves his arm. Goon no.3 is down… but not forgotten.

steven seg

Steven Seagal: Cheeddarman

Goon no.2 has a stick. He’s doing that thing that people with sticks do, twirling it all around like he’s in a marching band. Block of Cheddar’s having none of it, he’s holding one arm forward, and the other arm, cleverly is even more forward then that. Massively forward arms. He’s waving his most forward arm left and right like it’s a snake. The man with the stick knows he’s fucked.

Block of Cheddar’s knowledge of Aikido and looking pensive is immense and he blocks every attack slowly and in a way that suggests he’s questioning his existence on this planet, what’s the point of it all, what is the point?

Using Goon no.2’s own force against him, like the previous fight, he flips through the air, his balls sickeningly crunch into the pole in the middle of the room.

Block of Cheddar mumbles something, possibility witty or about environmental matters.

Hired Goon 4 waits for the speech to end, pulls out a flick-knife and runs at Block of Cheddar. Like a flash of clever editing, Block of Cheddar moves the heavy pole into Goon 4’s path. Another sickening crunch.

Block of Cheddar surveys the room for no real reason, a single tear appears for the bullet riddled sofa, his best friend.

Block of Cheddar

Under Brie

Oh no! Remember Goon.3! He gets back up and hits Block of Cheddar hard on his erm… leg area. But it’s completely ok. Block of Cheddar shrugs off that attack like it’s nothing, almost like it didn’t happen at all. Block of Cheddar picks up a nearby watermelon and smacks it on Goon 3’s head and somehow Goon 3 runs headfirst into a pole breaking his neck.

Block of Cheddar is not happy, his cool leather jacket has melon pips all over it.


A lady appears out of nowhere. She’s very attractive but the sparkle in her eyes has faded.

“C’mon Block of Cheese! Get in the car”

Action music! He kinda runs (but not really) out the door, ponytail flapping around like a horse’s arse.

Block of Cheddar scene rewrite from the trailer: – 

No, no, no. This is all wrong. I am not barging into the room or any fucking room. I’m in a bar and they all approach me as I’m talking to the sexy lady, cos she wants me but I’m all like, “No, I cannot because the planet needs me.” Also I am not going to sidestep to the left AND right in the same brawl! Left only. Where the FUCK is my agent?!