Poor Barry Hogan
It’s not easy you know.
Organising festivals for punters who hate you.
It really hurts your feelings.
Makes you sad inside.
You want to scream “Well if you’re gonna say bad things about me and my festival then I’m taking my Shellac and I’m going home”.
But you don’t because you’ve got to be the bigger person.
It’s not fair.
You go bankrupt one time and suddenly you’re the bad guy. Just because you don’t pay all the people that money you owe them, you’re some sort of monster, like Frankenstein. Not the monster, the doctor, he’s always being misunderstood.
It’s ridiculous.
Can’t they see I’m a visionary? These festivals are more than just the music. I’m changing society for the better. I’m pretty much a deity.
Ask yourself, do you want to live in a world where every festival headliner is Florence And The Machine? Because that’s what will happen.
Every festival.
Florence.
Florence And The Machine.
And Pendulum.
You know which complaint bothers me the most? People who say “I already booked train tickets!” when I’ve had to go through the heartbreak of postponing or cancelling the festival after all those hours of work I put in. Not once does anyone say “Thank Barry, I haven’t been to that part of the country before and this is a great opportunity for me to explore this great country we live in using the train tickets I have booked. What an amazing opportunity that I am hugely grateful for.”
It’s always the negative.
Never caring about how hard it is to organise these things just to have them fall apart in front of my very eyes.
Where’s my parade?
Oh wait, just remembered, we went bankrupt more than once.
Don’t get me started on my credit score. It’s gotten to the point where when I order a coffee from a coffee shop, they get me to pay before I can ask for what I want. It’s ridiculous. You walk out after ordering a frappuccino one time and the world loses its mind. I was going to pay when I was ready. Fascists.
“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the stars.” said Norman Vincent Peale. People like me should be celebrated. I’m a visionary. Dyson airblades anyone? Don’t see those at Glastonbury. Just hippies and hipsters. Hippies, hipsters and Pendulum. I bet they’ve never even heard of The Boredoms.
When I saw that rant in the Spectator from the Bloc Party Festival organiser George Hull I felt his pain. I mean, not about the rave stuff, all music that isn’t made by bearded white men is atrocious, but the way he indiscriminately ranted in a public forum really struck a note with me. A brave voice from the repressed. A hero.
Many of you are probably wondering, what’s a day in the life like for Barry Hogan? I spend most of my days answering questions about tennis. At first I would correct the people who confused All Tomorrows Parties for the Association of Tennis Professionals (ATP). After a while I started to learn a bit about tennis from the things I was sent so instead of correcting them, I answered some of the questions they asked. I just wanted to be useful. Then apparently, just because my answers weren’t accurate, they would get angry. “Why did you tell me my tickets would be at the gate for collection if you have nothing to do with the tournament at all. What’s wrong with you, are you a sociopath!?”. No matter what I do I’m wrong.
I’m just sick of it.
Still trying to remember how many times we’ve gone bankrupt, three? No not morally, financially. I’m sure those naysayers are counting though. Counting the number of tickets we sold. On one hand. One cold, dead hand.
But like the phoenix, I’m back.
Back again.
What people don’t realise is that I’ve learned. It’s different this time. This next festival we’re organising, curated by Lightning Bolt and being held at Woolley Edge services in Yorkshire are going to be the one that bucks the trend. This will be the one they’ll remember me for.
Tickets are now available at just £400 per person, including overnight stay at the Travelodge. Just transfer the money to barryhoganholidayfund@gmail.com on Paypal and I’ll send you an email which will say the word “TICKET” in the subject which you’ll need to print out.
Please come.
Please.
This time it’s gonna be different.