The worlds gone crazy for those Pokémon things. Wait… Maybe the world hasn’t. Maybe the press has gone crazy for those Pokémon things. It does make for a pleasant distraction from the constant horror of this world. So much horror.
What follows is a collection of thoughts from your friends at Inputerror. What do we make of Niantic’s smash hit walking around simulator?
Without any formal introduction lets go straight to…
A WILD PIDGEY APPEARS… AGAIN! Just how many Pidgey’s are there?! I feel like this game is constantly taking the piss out of me because I live in London, so all I get to catch are Pidgey’s and Ratata’s, piss take! Imagine my surprise when I walked past a cemetery and by god there was a Zubat… but did I catch it? Hell No! Ten balls wasted and I caught nothing because of this damn augmented reality and we all love this new augmented reality shit don’t we? It’s fine, you’re allowed to love it, I won’t judge, I promise I won’t…
Wait, A WILD GASTLY APPEARD, Be Right Back…
So that was a giant waste of time, many Pokeballs were squandered, I spent so much time outside in the cold with no reward and why do I have sooo many of the same Pokémon? I’d love some variety please. I have so many questions for Niantic, like why can’t I battle whenever and wherever I want? Why can’t I battle my friends? Why can’t I battle my girlfriend, pink slip style and take her Pokémon? Why can’t I go on her phone and send her good Pokémon to me? Why can’t I steal her Pokémon? Why doesn’t she tell me the password to her phone? Why doesn’t she tell me who Dave from work is? Wait, scratch that last one. This game has done something to me and maybe to all of us, It’s addictive but is that in a good way? Someone please answer me.
On my way to work every day (yes somebody actually employed me) I pass a gym, the gym leader has a CP 625 or something similar Vaporeon, its ridiculous, how do I beat that with a CP 147 Pidgeotto? What is actually the point of the game? To be the very best? To catch them, is that the real test? Is training them our cause? We have to travel across the land, searching far and wide and with each Pokémon we have to try and understand the power that’s inside. Pokémon! We’ve been brainwashed to believe we gotta catch ‘em all or at least 151 of them right? Well I will not be doing that… because as previously stated I just get rats and pigeons bro, rats and pigeons.
I thought I’d have many positive mutterings about Pokémon Go but it turns out, it’s made me angry; angrier than Watch Dogs but that’s a different story altogether.
Lets hope it has a really good update when it is officially released on our shores…. I feel like as I aggressively typed this, they secretly put it in the market place just to spite me, awful people.
Joey Jo Jo
“I wanna be the very best…” Haven’t been able to get that damn song out of my head for 3 days. “Pokémon! Gotta catch ’em all…” Today was my first proper day of playing. I swiped Pokéstops on the way to work. I nabbed Pokémon while still on the train, when I was walking to my office, when I was just outside my office. For those low level ones, I can launch 1 pokéball, check for the tell-tale sound effect that I caught the Pokémon and slide the phone back into my pocket before anyone can judge me.
I spent my lunch break wandering around with a workmate. Yes, this game can actually be sociable and what better way to make sure that Pokémon trainers don’t just wander into traffic? Buddy up! When the app works, we were collecting pokeballs from all the Pokestops (churches, train stations, statues, clocks, memorial gardens, even a certain piece of graffiti, generally most solid objects found in the Square Mile of London were holding useful Pokémon items. But this game is buggy as hell. When it doesn’t work, the screen freezes, all objects disappear from the map, that Pokémon you thought you just caught? Gone. Or maybe it did save? You’ll have to check the Pokedex to be sure. Usually any of these problems are remedied by restarting the app, but it’s the spontaneity of a crash that’s really annoying. I just wanted to catch this one damn Snorlax before I get on the train. Ain’t got time to restart, I got things to do! This may be due to me being in the UK and having possibly a not quite official UK release version? (Nope, it;s buggy the world over – Editor)
Also, obviously I have to mention the battery drain. As you need GPS and data enabled for Pokéfun, your phone will be draaaaaaaaaained. I assume Amazon has seen a surge in the sale of those chargers that people usually take to music festivals. That hour spent catching them all used around 55% of my battery. But I spent the last 4% battling a Charmander. Caught him 4 times, each time he escaped, only staying in the pokéball after the 5th time. Then my egg that I’d been incubating hatched (had to walk a certain distance for it to hatch) and I got a Pikachu for FREE, son! So probably going to do it all again tomorrow as I’m levelled up enough to hit up some gyms.
So, CONS: As a grown ass adult, be prepared to be judged by all your peers (I’m using that discreet battery saver mode quite a lot), kills your battery, you spend even more time looking at your phone than you probably usually do, the app is hopefully due a couple of updates.
PROS:The game is FUN! You may discover nearby landmarks that you didn’t know existed, you can bump into other trainers, and if you feel it’s ruining your life, well, obviously you don’t have to have it turned on all the time.
The best thing about Pokémon GO is that it’s drained everyone’s batteries, giving me a quiet lunch break. I even saw a teenager wipe away a tear as he noticed a flying creature for the first time. The not so good news is that it’s drained everyone’s batteries; inconvenient when witnessing a horrific Pokémon based accident. Talking of car crashes the games a buggy mess, so best avoid it if you’re waiting for that important business call from your mum.
Firstly I’m struck by a wonderfully sad looking map. Secondly I’m struck by boredom, as I’m dither in boring level 3. I’ve caught 13 of these bastards now and still no game to speak of. Level 5 promises fights. I’m looking forward to dog fights, but not sure I’ve got the fortitude for this grind. After spying a few fight videos, I rubbed my chin and thought… muh’, looks pretty basic. My gut says it won’t have any lasting appeal unless they upgrade the hell outta it. My gut also wants a cornetto. Pokémon rip off Pocket Mortys did it better by keeping to traditional turn based action. I prefer gentlemanly cock fights.
I’m not sure where this is all going as it appears to be less of a game and more of a horrific social experiment.
Pokémon Go requires connecting your phone to a car battery in a trolley for any extended playtime. Or, for the budding environmentalist, you could attach jump leads from your nipples, to siphon away all your naturally produced energy, whilst you hunt down a Kebabizard in a dank alleyway. You would think you’d get odd looks, but if everyone does it…
Hey, do you remember screams of “get off that bloody machine, go out and get some fresh air”. You can’t stop the bastards now. Happy now parents? Yeah, thanks video games.
Pokémon Go confirms that humans barely need an excuse to throw their balls into small animals.
Finally have time
Battery full, let’s go out
The servers are down
Don’t want to look sad
Hiding my phone sheepishly
At least I’m outside
We can combine it
A nice walk in the country
Nothing but Weedles
The Villainous Sloane
I like it.