Short Game Reviews

Short game reviews, now with scores! Now, go on your way you cheeky scamp.

Pro Evolution Soccer 2017


He shoots! He pushes a button to simulate the feeling of scoring!

Earlier in the year I wrote a lengthy monotone retrospective on PES 2016 complete with thick eyebrows, slippers and a dour disposition. You could probably guess from the length and girth of the eyebrows, yes… I rather liked it.

Last year I considered PES 2016 the new benchmark in football based gameplay, and that warm feeling remains. In fact, a lot of what I previously mused still applies.

Oh no, ‘ere we go. Are you ready for it?

“It’s like last years, but a little better, kinda… cough.” 

I mean, they only had 12 months to spruce the place up and 2 months of that was preparing for Xmas. This reviews a total waste of fucking time. Hey, why not click more?Party Hard

more – no, really

Playstation VR

Playstation VR Demo Disc


Welcome to today’s game, Aldershot Town Vs Haberdashery FC

Kick off 3pm. Referee: Mr Tommy Squeaker.

“So Faulstinho Di Trickyshit, you’ve an incredible disposable income. You must have tried the ol’ Virtual Reality right?

“Put a fucky headset on my fucky head right? Yeah mate, I done all that. Messed my hair right up”

“Wow Faulstino, what a life, your hair looks great! Tell me more!” Kick off

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Batman: Arkham VR


Who are you? Batman. No, really. I am him. 

The wonderful thing about most VR games is that they’re piss-easy to review, as you’ve finished them by the time you finished reading this.

So the ultimate question is…

… Is Batman: Arkham VR worth your money?

Also, how the hell do you give it a score?

Welcome to an exceedingly short review to match the length of the game.


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Shadow Warrior 2


Penis Joke.

Did any of you kindly upstanding people play the Shadow Warrior reboot a few years ago? It was pretty good. Before Nu-Doom stole all the party poppers and set off a one man conga line, 2013’s Shadow Warrior showed just how fun a simple ol’ fashioned gore em’ up could be. Who doesn’t like chopping demons into itty-bitty bits at top speed? Incidentally I’ve now retired the term “Nu-Doom”, so let’s not use that ever again. Ever.

So, review of a sequel ‘ey? How long before we fall deep into clichés and references to the original game…. Let’s try to avoid that, right? Right?

More Wang Please

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Police Tactics Imperio


I do enjoy a nice isometric town with small people to bother. Let’s bother all the small people. Clicking their little heads. Go on, move… move on my command. Cue mighty laughter.

So you command a police force: The computer game. Wonderful. I really do enjoy these types or games and it’s been a while since I’ve played a decent one. Imperio…. isn’t that a make of car? What a rather silly name.

Ok, let’s talk about why this game pisses me off so much.

More Polis

Dino Dini's Kick Off Revival

Dino Dini’s Kick Off Revival: 1.3 Update


Kick Off Revival received a much needed update. Wait, has anyone played it since release? I haven’t. I wonder if they included any bloody game modes? Who knows, it might even be alright.

Hey, do you know when the game media becomes a gibbering wreck for certain games and can’t shut the fuck up about it. Lets see how one of those follow up articles looks when the games without any hype and the game is, in fact, quite shit.

Let’s talk about the forgotten Kick Off Revival. That’s a thing to do, right?

So what’s new? Is the game better? Does my hair look nice today?


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No Mans Sky


Almost certainly, some guys sky.

Could this be the biggest indie game launch known to (no) man? Years of forthy build up and delays sent the general public into meltdown. Nah, not really. It was a few loud-mouthed people typing into the internet at great pace. I’m pretty sure more sensible game enthusiasts were happy to sit back and wait for the release, but that doesn’t make much of a story.

“Sensible crowd waits patiently for games release without resorting to hyperbole”.

That doesn’t have a good ring to it.

I’ve reached a cataclysmic PC crash situation stopping further exploration, so now’s a good time to talk about…

The hotly anticipated.


Wait for it…..

The flying around in a spaceship for reasons game.

No Mans Sky. The computer game.


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Bears Can’t Drift


Bears (Brian) Cant Drift: The Wacky Karting game for all you crazy kids.

Once upon a time, the world of gaming was awash with cute mascot kart games. As the years tumbled away, the innocent cynical cash grab of the cute mascot racer fell from favour. In the end, only Mario Kart stood tall with competitors shrugging their shoulders with hands in pockets, smoking around a fiery dustbin.


Let’s check out Bears Can’t Drift… I mean its got a great name and who doesn’t like bears? I do like a neat little karting game.

beep beep

Party Hard

Party Hard


Marty Facade at Mardi Gras looking to Party Hard.

*Glasses precariously balanced on the edge of nose, whilst looking over the rim* Oh yes… a game called Party Hard you say. *Pushes glasses with index finger into correct position*. A game in which you take control of a small pixel art chap, running around a single screen clearing the party of its guests. Very well. Seems like the sort of thing you whipper-snappers would enjoy.

Party Hard

Hnngh, gotta Party Hard

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Bulb Boy


An incredibly short game deserves a brief review with humourless tagline. We’ve no time for this. C’mon, chop chop. On with it. 

Wait… Just how short is Bulb Boy? it took me 98 minutes to save the day and I’d admit, I was in no rush to get to the end. Now I’ve conquered the world and stood upon its flaming ground, beating my chest, I instantly knew in my heart(s) I’d never return. Not even for a trophy or achievement, such is the nature of the point and click adventure game. Especially one without any apparent hidden depths.

Wanna look at some pretty pictures and skip to the score? Yeah, go for it mate.


Stikbold! – A Dodgeball Adventure


Remember that film? Ya’ know, the one with pretty much the same name? Had that actor in it? You know the one, has a head shaped out of haunted Brie. This is a computer game, based on the sport dodgeball, which is a bit like that film. Got that? Good.

Stikbold looks rather silly doesn’t it, go on, go have a look at the pictures… I’ll wait. Makes sense when the sport’s based around throwing weighty objects at children’s heads. Excellent, we can all get behind that concept.

Let’s find ou- *SMACK* “Ooooofff! You bastard.”


Dino Dini's Kick Off Revival

Dino Dini’s Kick Off Revival


I did a potentially bad thing… but hear me out first. Don’t prejudge, but I preordered Kick Off Revivial. I know, I know. Preorderings a ludicrous thing to do.

Once upon a time there was a game called Kick Off 2. It was a long long time ago, before electricity was invented, all your fancy-pants devices ran on steam. Yes, even the toaster, which made the bread soggy. ohhhh… These were tough times. In this era I had no income and had no real idea of the concept “disposable income”. When I received an offer to play a brand new game for my Amiga for free, I took it. To this day I have had no idea where those magically appearing floppy discs came from.

I owe Dino Dini some money.

I hope the games not a load of old tosh.

Update – In a fit of madness the decision was made to review patch 1.3. Yes, I’m an Idiot.


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I’d never heard of Dex. But no… wait. This is enhanced Dex… meaning it’s far better than the normal everyday Dex you’ve enjoyed. Note – I’ve no idea what part of Dex is enhanced.

Originally a successful kickstarter campaign in 2012 the game was released last year. Thanks for the facts Mr Billy Internet.

Side scrolling cyberpunk… wait CyberPunk? Are we talking about Bladerunner again? Also why Punk? Can’t it be Cyber-Guys, Cyber-Gents, Cyber-Coats, Cyber-Chavs?

Reminds me of The Way, which was reviewed a month ago. Dex does look graphically similar. Ye gods, I hope this isn’t anymore nostalgia bait.


House of the Dying Sun

House of the Dying Sun

House of the Dying Sun 6

Despite how it looks, I’m doing rather well here. Honest.

SHORT REVIEW: Early access REVIEW – PC Version

Put away your flightsticks young man. Please remain calm sir, I’m not talking about VR Porn.

The resurgence of the space flight sim is a wonderful thing. The games industry ignored the genre and you hear the sound of a thousand publishers weeping as Star Citizen crosses the $100,000,000,000,000.24 mark.

On first glance you would think my trusty flight stick would get a run out here, but nope. Control pad recommended, as this has more in common with Colony Wars on the Playstation than Elite Dangerous.

Let’s hold hands to cross the road as we ask the question, to looming trucks headlights. Is that a good thing?

From the official website – “right now I have no plans to add or change anything major to the game. The remaining work will center around bugs, weapons, upgrades, wave clear, and mission balance.” Great. Let’s review this sucker now and revisit on official release.

Blast Off an’ that

fallout shelter

Fallout Shelter


Welcome to today’s game, Portugal Vs Iceland.

Kick off 8pm. Referee: Mr Quaki Limbeer.

“So Faulstinho Di Trickyshit, have you tried Fallout Shelter?”

“I loves the Fallouts! Boom, head explode! Very funny.”

“erm, I don’t think this is the Fallout you’re thinking of Faulstinho.”

“Yes, I cant wait to explore!”

Kick off

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Shadow of Mordor: Game of the Year Edition

Middle-earth™: Shadow of Mordor™ - Game of the Year Edition sunset

Sweet Sunset over Mordor. Please remember, you can push O for your hanging pleasure.

Short Review / SEMI-RETROSPECTIVE : PS4 Version

You’ve seen the “Lord of that Rings” film, now get ready for another computer game. You play as Talion, a ranger man with spooky powers. Now buckle in for a buzzword of a exciting word and verb noun MacDonald.

Hmm, it’s a bit of an old game to review, a whole year and a bit ago. In game years (much like dog years) you could say it’s technically over 7 years old now. Let’s not worry about time or relevance. None of that matters. Nothing ever matters.

Disclaimer – The following contains vast amounts of swearing, which sounds as if I was frothing at the keyboard. So please, imagine a dishevelled hermit screaming from a rock, wrapped in a formally wet smoking jacket made from own-brand tissues.

On with the Show!

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Downwell boom

Ka-Boom and friends


An independently made game? In this day and age? Well I never.

Who is this little bloke falling down a well? Why jump down a well? For riches? Fame? For Fun? Doesn’t sound fun to me. In fact it sounds horrifying.

Who in the buggary-hats came up with such a horrible concept? Let’s see if I can get past this haunting premise…


Gravity rush

Gravity Rush Remastered

Gravity Rush™ Remastered 1

    Oh, Hai Kat.


Weeeeeeeeeeeeee! The game.

The original Gravity Rush was released on an abandoned handheld system back in 2012. What a delightfully innocent time. Arrr 2012, a time where you can leave your front door open, use the term “cowabunga” and cripple bullies without he need for police involvement.

Anyway, the original version fully exploited the lil’ PS Vita system, using every gimmick in the book. A few years later we warmly welcome a re-purposed, re-released Gravity Rush for the PS4. Sliding into scene with updated controls with a lick of new graphical paint, we ask the question…

Does it blend…  No wait…

…Does it hold up?



shadwen nice

Brown. Brawm. Bronw. Brawn.


You little Sleepwalking wanker.



Sleepwalker was a great little game. Do you remember it? You had to babysit a sleeping idiot child forever walking forward into traps. It was a novel idea at the time. Ok the idea itself was great, but I didn’t really like the actual game. Frustrated the hell outta me.

Hey? What’s this Shadwen game? Just where did that come from?

Hold on, what does it want? Why is it holding a knife? Oh f-


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Overfall orc fight

Casual street fight


What the hell is this? That Don’t Starve boat edition? Great, I do like me a bit of Don’t Starve. Oh… it’s not that. Another Kickstarter thing? Psssfh. Fine…

Turn based permadeath roguelike randomly generated world with a wanky quest. Enough buzzwords for ya’? Yeah? Great.

Let’s do it!

Let’s set sail