Look into my eyes, not around my eyes, into my eyes
It was around 9.45pm and the night was very dark. The clouds were acting like an aggressive nightclub bouncer to the pale moon and the wind whistled its ominous tune. Not a jaunty tune, not like a showtune like the other night. (more…)
It’s not easy you know.
Organising festivals for punters who hate you.
It really hurts your feelings.
Makes you sad inside. (more…)
What the hairy pants is a Retrospective Review and Short Review? WHY DIFFERENT DAGNABBIT
Short Score Reviews are your typical reviews for when a game is released complete with lovely scores.
A retrospective will be something closer to an actual human playing and enjoying a game, y’know, for fun… like a normal human being does when its not reviewing things for other humans.
WHY?
You know that game that was just released? Say Just Cause 3 or whatever other game you was all excited for a few months ago. I haven’t played Just Cause 3 (4 or whenever your reading this), but it’s already old. SO very old in game years (much like dog years). A couple of months is all it takes for no-one to even consider mentioning it ever again. What does that say about the outrageous buzz before its release?… the whooping pre-order masses, the rush to gather opinions on the day… only two months later it’s dead to the world. Will it appear in a top ten list at the end of the year? Who knows, right? No-one’s even considering it now because something else is just as exciting and will be out next month.
Does the score reflect the cruel judgement of time?
After the initial hype where numbers are thrown around excitedly, a retrospective review is a careful considered opinion given free from the hype hellscape. The kinda review that sees patterns in Football Manager in the style of the film PI. This might not be a healthy way to review anything.
What’s the point of a scoring short review?
To give an handy opinion at the time of release because no-one wants to waste money on a broken toy.
Is it possible to have both types of review for the same game?
Yes
What are you doing tonight?
I’m washing my hair. Now excuse me, this bath wont turn itself off.
All of our short reviews will have a numbered score to free you of reading obligations. What’s a short review you ask? We’ll try to explain that here, but only if you’ve been a good boy/girl/hamster.
We use the full scale of 1 to 10 here me-laddio. 5 out of 10 is average, because it’s in the middle. 7 is pretty good because its better than average. To reiterate 7 is NOT a bad fucking score, ok.
Now please enjoy this list of numbers ordered in a pleasing way, with some light explanation.
10/10 – Perfection does not really exist. Games given a little 10 are filled with magic. Such a thing will be remembered in the future, possibly worshipped by future civilisations long after we are gone. These are rare occurrences.
9/10 – Is an amazing game. Special, sincere, a new form of experience or something perfected. Why isn’t it a 10? It could easily be a ten, but we know a sequels coming and we need an extra number to show it’s a lil better. Lovely stuff.
8/10 – A great game that will resonate with you. A technical achievement, special idea or bathed in shiny game polish that will encourage favoured memories even whilst it gathers dust.
7/10 – A very good game that will delight for a good time. It might have a serious issue holding it back, or strange design choices. Possibly by a foolish and greedy company.
6/10 – An above average game, maybe with the odd great idea or concept, but missing something important, like polish or quality control. That or it’s merely good. If this was a disease it would be scurvy.
5/10 – Utterly Average. Fun could still be had from this. Some may even love this game if it tickles such personal perversions, but for most it will inspire a pleasant shrug. If this was a sandwich, it would be plain cheese without pickle, in the bread you dislike the most.
4/10 – Bland, missing a vital ingredient. Not a bad game, but not one that would be remembered.
3/10 – A very poor game indeed. Something went seriously wrong here. Although you never know, it might make you laugh, or it might have a decent idea poking around here. But its crap, yeah.
2/10 – A terrible game. I don’t think you can play this to even enjoy how crap it is.
1/10 – Dog shit with a broken control pad stuck in it. I’m hoping this score is as rare as the perfect 10… time will tell… time will tell.
Thinking back to a show I barely acknowledge, all the recent winners do appear to fit a theme; mostly white people playing at soul, possibly heartfelt on a piano. Compliments a nice soap advert. This isn’t about them really. In fact I don’t blame the acts one bit, even if it’s not to my taste.
I absolutely love the Lego platform games. Smashing levels to bits is possibly some form of mild psychological issue, possibly acute toy-smash disorder. Indeed, a not-so-guilty secret, you might say. (more…)
