A Review of every Steven Seagal movie ever

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Scene – A very bland apartment block, not cheap, not expensive. Paper thin walls. Nice area, excellent travel connections and a school nearby if you’re planning to have kids.

Block of Cheddar enters the room at an incredibly slow pace. Squinting it surveys the room, mumbles a quip and flicks his ponytail. No really, I have no idea what the quip was, sounded like “iwillbruiseyouenvironmentmustbesavedbusinessisbad”.

Block of Cheddar is ‘at one with the earth’ because he’s a Native Indian, or Japanese or something, something, honour, that’s not made clear. Being Honourable also means he doesn’t really have to speak or be interesting.

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Sleeping Dogs

Sleeping Dogs: Definitive Edition

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Sleeping Dogs: Definitive Edition

Wei too much fun.

RETROSPECTIVE: PC (ON RELEASE) / PS4 (DEFINITIVE EDITION)

Waking Cats. An exciting brand new open world game from four years ago, that was pretty good. Probably. I’ll be off then…

Not too long I got really bored of open world games. Bloody strange when you think about it. I got bored of possibility. The open world clones didn’t open the world far enough. Every game was content to change up the formula by a small increment. Again, very strange when you consider that you get to invent a whole new microcosm. A lil’ light bulb flashes above Mr Reginald GameMaker’s head before deciding… let’s make it just like all the others! Maybe chuck in a few mini-games or a tower to climb. I mean, you don’t really need poorly made bowling games in open world games. Very recently that’s changed with some outstanding game releases, including Orcs, Witchers and some Metal Gears, but not so long ago back in 2012 this little gem was released…

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Banshee

Banshee – 2013

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TELEVISION REVIEW: Season 1 – Episode 1 & 2.

An unfair review based on two episodes of Season 1. Great fun was had by the writer.

The pilot episode of Banshee sets everything up nicely with great action sequences and a simple plot. I especially love the main character’s jaw. He looks like an even angrier Andrew Falkous chewing a whole pack of wine gums.

Andrew Starr

Antony Starr                                                                                                  Andrew Falkous

 Spoilers ahead, but the show’s 3 years old now, is it still a spoiler? Anyway, it really doesn’t matter.

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Enter the Gungeon

Enter The Gungeon

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Got Gunegoned

Got Gungeoned

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

AIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

I’m in love with Enter the Gungeon, it plays great, its replayable and I already know, even at this early stage, that I’ll regularly come back to it over the coming years.

But this is the internet. We can’t have nice things, so lets completely tear it apart. That’s what you want, isn’t it? You filthy internet scum, you disgust me.

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Superhot

Superhot

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Superhot

Super get shot

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Super fop, Super mop, Super Cop starring Jackie Chan. 

I’ve played some amazing games that break the fourth wall in recent times. Stanley Parable, Undertale, Pony Island and now Superhot.

The Stanley Parable was ridiculously clever and very few games have ever made me laugh as much. Undertale is an incredible adventure that has heart. Both of these games are special and toyed with the relationship between player and creator. Playing Pony Island soon after Undertale…  juuuuust about got away with it.

Now we have Superhot… (more…)

Hey, It's That Guy!

Hey, It’s That Guy!

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What’s this post about?

So, you’re sitting at home watching a film and you shout, “Hey, it’s that guy!” then proceed to argue with whoever else is around you about the last film where you saw them.

Obviously, you can reach out for your nearest internet device and look them up on Wikipedia or IMDb, but you won’t, as you have no idea what their character is called. Basically, I’m preparing you to win future pub quizzes and game shows. (more…)

Devil Daggers

Devil Daggers

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Devil Duh

Welcome to Doom / Or a prog rock album cover

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Satanic Knife-set, Lucifer Shivs, Devil Chopsticks, Robert Duvall Digger.

Devil Daggers chucks you far in to the deep end. No tutorials, no guidance and a swift death.  You operate within a small space with Eldritch Monstrosities throwing themselves at you until you weep and run away. Or attempt to shoot them whilst running away, mostly running away.

Why… that could make for a rip-roaring fun time! (more…)

Hyper Light Drifter

Hyper Light Drifter

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Hyper Giants

What do you mean they look creepy?

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Go on, look at it. Look at the lovely Pixels you pervert. 

I’ve kickstarted a fair few games in the past and knew actually what I was getting myself into. A tough, pixel art, top down exploring adventure. So what did we get?

A tough, pixel art, top down exploring adventure.

That’s good then.

Update – Score has been amended due to pleasing updates.

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Pro Evolution Soccer Keeper!

Pro Evolution Soccer 2016

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Pro Evolution Soccer London Kebab Shop

The smell of meaty glory.

RETROSPECTIVE: PS4 VERSION

Do you like football? Do you like football computer games? Do you like ankles?  Do you like underwear combustion tablets? No reason, I’m just interested.

We don’t have much time. Let’s get into this immediately. The controls to PES 2016 are wonderfully contextual. No messing with special button combinations to flick the ball around the pitch, the passing’s crisp, the player AI’s superb, it looks great. Want to ping the ball across the pitch? Sure thing, Baines.

So there you have it, PES 2016 is the very best football videogame at this current moment in time.

Nothing to see here, move on

batman vs superman. please buy our stock

Batman vs Superman: A Masterclass in Advertising from HMV

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For unexplainable reasons Retailer HMV SeNT ME an email, in a desperate attempt to sell me things.

Morbid curiosity got the better of me. I had to look at this advert.

Broken batman

Bat Broken on PC

Full title – “Batman vs Superman: 5 Reasons we need to shill this product. Ye Gods! Please buy our stock!”

So here are HMV’s top 5 reasons to encourage me to buy the Blu-Ray… ok, what have they got?

1. It looks incredible…
Oh dear, not a good start. We can’t outright lie to you and tell you its ganna have a great story, but hey, it looks nice.

Quick! To number two!

Batman VS a Superman

Superman VS a Batman Lad: Morning Justice Shop

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Bats Vs Supes

homoerotic cape on cape action

Director: Zack Snyder / Screenplay: Chris Terrio, David S. Goyer / Release date: 25 March 2016

Actors: Ben Affleck, Henry Cavill / Genre: Comic Book Nonsense ‧ 3h 3m

FILM REVIEW – From the touchline

Welcome to today’s game, Torquay United Vs Chitham FC.

Kick off 3pm. Referee: Mr Bobbington Jipblinder.

“So Faulstinho, what did you think of the film?”

“It is a fucking shit, isn’t it, mate.”

“Care to explain why?” Kick off

Star Wars Hoth

The Ruinous Pursuit of Fidelity

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old man

Why does he remind me of Herman Munster?

Hmm. Far we have come, INTRODUCTION WEAK YOU SAY.

My jaw dropped with Star Wars Battlefront. It’s amazing. It looks bloody amazing. The sound, the setup, the Hoth.  After enjoying the Beta I had seen everything I needed to see and enjoy. I didn’t need to revisit it, the only mode I may have continued to enjoy was the local co-op mode, but that was a bit of a mess, at least in the demo. My time with it was complete, balance was brought to my wallet.

So… the pursuit of sexy graphics

Broken batman

Microtransactions, Season Passes, Scum and Villainy

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It’s not for you

Remember all, we do have a lovely glossary to combat the nonsense language to compliment the following computer game gibberish

Ye gods people, I’m outraged. Outraged, I say. Not only can giant publisher Warner Brothers sell you a completely broken Batman: Arkham Knight on the PC, but they can sell you a Linux port they don’t intend to release, forcing you to enquire for the refund yourself. You’ve pre-ordered nothing, nothing you fools! Keep buying promises from habitual liars. (more…)

satellite reign

Satellite Reign

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satellite reign 2

Happy Day Trip

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

Chocolate Reign, Chocolate Reign, riding through the glen, Chocolate Reign, Chocolate Reign, with its tiny men.  

The spiritual sequel to Syndicate and Syndicate Wars… wait lets start that again.

The spiritual sequel to two of my favourite games of all time had been kickstarted to the tune of £461,333. Not the greatest sum of money ever raised. I hope they acquired additional funding. I mention this merely to expose what a triumph Satellite Reign is. (more…)

15 Peeps High

Peep Show (2003) /15 Storeys High (2002)

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Peep Storeys. 15 Peeps High. I’ll stop now

– Anyway, Two shows you may have missed

How to recommend tv comedy? Blimey, I don’t know what you like, how could I?

Sure, some universal comedic constants remain throughout cultures. We can all appreciate a small child being hit by a car on “You’ve Been Framed” or “Kids Do the Funniest Things”, or (what we now call) the Internet, but some other people might not enjoy it quite as much as you do.

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