Brown. Brawm. Bronw. Brawn.
You little Sleepwalking wanker.
Sleepwalker was a great little game. Do you remember it? You had to babysit a sleeping idiot child forever walking forward into traps. It was a novel idea at the time. Ok the idea itself was great, but I didn’t really like the actual game. Frustrated the hell outta me.
Hey? What’s this Shadwen game? Just where did that come from?
Hold on, what does it want? Why is it holding a knife? Oh f-
Enter Lucious Lyon mumbling, scratching and complaining. He acts and looks like an early 90’s tough gangster type. For no reason whatsoever he sits at the piano and breaks out in song. He sounds closer to Stevie Wonder, instantly breaking the tough gangster illusion the show so desperately craves.
The song is heartfelt tale about his troubled childhood and scotch eggs.
Casual street fight
Turn based permadeath roguelike randomly generated world with a wanky quest. Enough buzzwords for ya’? Yeah? Great.
Let’s do it!
Luther is an obsessive no-nonsense police detective, shaking filing cabinets with pure man rage.
Why, it’s a spaceship. Anyway, blap blap blap.
What a promising start to The Way. A sombre introduction with beautiful artwork. I’m looking forward to this.
Shall we compare the game and art direction to some other things? I like that. I’m sure you do too: –
You’ll never guess the following sensational anecdotes.
WOW! Honestly you will NEVER guess number 7!
I had to look it up, how the hell would I remember any of this? Bloody hell, was originally released in 1997. Now we have the Redux released a couple of days ago.
Has Father Time been kind to Postal?
Howdy Folks!
5 Episodic Chapters, 5 Reviews, 5 characters, 5 Fingers, 5 Sweet & Sour Ribs (starter), Five.
The following contains a loose collection of thoughts as I adventure through Pandora. Pandora is the name of the Borderlands world. What do you mean you knew that already? No need for that language! Look, I was simply explaining just in case you had no idea. You want me to go into the legend Pandora’s box? No? Well shutup then.
Salt and Sanct, take the freshness back.
Salt and Sanctuary is a tough side scrolling adventure with deliberate mechanics, rewarding precise attacks and a nimble defence. A punishing stamina gauge tests your willpower whilst exotic and varied weaponry and items help keep potential death at bay. The lush and beautifully engineered world betrays treacherous intent, as you scramble through unseen paths, scale stunning 2D architecture slickly introducing witty shortcuts, raising an eyebrow as the masterful circular design reveals itself for an appreciative audience nods.
The elegant art design mirrors a satisfying journey through a startling world filled with charismatic enemies, willing and able, to cut you down at a moments notice. All of this culminates in weighty boss battles demanding your full attention.
This isn’t really what the games about. Looks nice and exciting though.
“What is a 4x strategy game?” you mutter. Why, it’s a nerd game in which you do a Star Trek. You start with a single planet and attempt to best rival civilisations to take over the galaxy. Hopefully to the soundtrack of an 80’s montage sequence.
You are. Oh yes, you are.
Paradox Interactive have made some of the finest nerd games known to man, in fact Crusader Kings II is one of my most cherished playthings in recent years. Even if it was a massive pain in the arse to get into.
How do Paradox fare when they come to boldly, something, man has gone to something, something, before. Space.
You’ll look at the photo, say “Huh, I can’t believe I couldn’t remember this guy’s name!” and think of at least 3 films you’ve seen him in.
If you’ve seen any horror/sci-fi films over the last 40-50 years, you must know today’s “that guy”.
The BBC cited cost cutting as the main reason. A show with a 2 camera set-up and a man on stage.
I’m not sure it could get any cheaper.
According to the games media New Doom isn’t so bad, good in fact. Erm, if you could consider such statements a review after a single half-day of playing it. Almost as bad as not playing it at all, who would do such a thing.
UPDATE – It’s great. Glad you waited ey’, EY! Wot you ‘n a rush for boi’.
No really, what did happen to the Dino Dini generation of the 90’s?
Dino Dini… what a fantastic name! It’s also a name I hadn’t seen for a long time. So imagine my surprise when I came across Kick Off revival.
Update – Time passes. A review appears.
BRUTAL DOOM
Update – Reviews are in. New Doom isn’t a pile of cheesehats. Shockingly it appears to be great! Woop an’ that. No idea why Bethesda wanted to hide it from critical acclaim? Still, Brutal Doom is still awesome and free to acquire.
Just a few decent Wii U Games.
I loved what the Wii U attempted. I’m sure a lot of people did. Although…. there is one thing that tickles my annoyance gland.
Not one developer used the Wii U to its full potential. Not even Nintendo.
The following collection of words is essentially a peek into what I really wanted from this strange little box. Or more accurately, a bizarre shotgun rant aimed at no-one in particular.
My original review is here. scoring an excellent 8.
Only leaves the house to go to the shops.
Hey little guy!
Bug fixes are great. Possibly enough to bump the score to a 9, but today marks the official inclusion of local co-op. We all know what that means.
Hyper Light Drifter has been bestowed a mighty 9.
Everything with co-op is better, even exploring a dying world or mutual cheese shop theft. Next week I’ll give it a 10 when it includes the promised FTSE 100 index trading mini-game.
Unsure what the numbers mean? A score guide can fix what ails ya’.
Top new Product from Splammo!
Lets see how my disgusting fabrications check out against the gaming media reviews.
My ‘review’ is here for comparison. I violently insist you read it. My review score was a 9, noting set pieces, parsnips, cinematic pacing and all that other stuff Uncharted did before.
It could be any game but on this day I installed Left 4 Dead 2. By this day I meant yesterday. I hadn’t played Left 4 Dead in over 2 years and truth be told, I wasn’t very good at it in the first place.
