Dino Dini's Kick Off Revival

Dino Dini’s Kick Off Revival

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VERSION

I did a potentially bad thing… but hear me out first. Don’t prejudge, but I preordered Kick Off Revivial. I know, I know. Preorderings a ludicrous thing to do.

Once upon a time there was a game called Kick Off 2. It was a long long time ago, before electricity was invented, all your fancy-pants devices ran on steam. Yes, even the toaster, which made the bread soggy. ohhhh… These were tough times. In this era I had no income and had no real idea of the concept “disposable income”. When I received an offer to play a brand new game for my Amiga for free, I took it. To this day I have had no idea where those magically appearing floppy discs came from.

I owe Dino Dini some money.

I hope the games not a load of old tosh.

Update – In a fit of madness the decision was made to review patch 1.3. Yes, I’m an Idiot.

KICK OFF!

preacher cover

Preacher – Follow up

SPOILER-FREE TELEVISION REVIEW: SEASON 1 – EPISODES 3 & 4

Excitement can lead to words like “tantalising” and “relentless”. Madness I say.

A great pilot doth not maketh the great show so let’s, once again, plunge slightly sideways into the gruesome world of Preacher.

I asked the question can Preacher keep up the relentless pace?

Well do ya? Punk?

You can read excitable gibberish about episodes 1 and 2 here, which might help with the following.

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Dex

SHORT REVIEW: PC VERSION

I’d never heard of Dex. But no… wait. This is enhanced Dex… meaning it’s far better than the normal everyday Dex you’ve enjoyed. Note – I’ve no idea what part of Dex is enhanced.

Originally a successful kickstarter campaign in 2012 the game was released last year. Thanks for the facts Mr Billy Internet.

Side scrolling cyberpunk… wait CyberPunk? Are we talking about Bladerunner again? Also why Punk? Can’t it be Cyber-Guys, Cyber-Gents, Cyber-Coats, Cyber-Chavs?

Reminds me of The Way, which was reviewed a month ago. Dex does look graphically similar. Ye gods, I hope this isn’t anymore nostalgia bait.

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House of the Dying Sun

House of the Dying Sun

House of the Dying Sun 6

Despite how it looks, I’m doing rather well here. Honest.

SHORT REVIEW: Early access REVIEW – PC Version

Put away your flightsticks young man. Please remain calm sir, I’m not talking about VR Porn.

The resurgence of the space flight sim is a wonderful thing. The games industry ignored the genre and you hear the sound of a thousand publishers weeping as Star Citizen crosses the $100,000,000,000,000.24 mark.

On first glance you would think my trusty flight stick would get a run out here, but nope. Control pad recommended, as this has more in common with Colony Wars on the Playstation than Elite Dangerous.

Let’s hold hands to cross the road as we ask the question, to looming trucks headlights. Is that a good thing?

From the official website – “right now I have no plans to add or change anything major to the game. The remaining work will center around bugs, weapons, upgrades, wave clear, and mission balance.” Great. Let’s review this sucker now and revisit on official release.

Blast Off an’ that

Dont shit your pants

Don’t Shit Your Pants

dont shit your pants 1

TENSE!

More of a cautionary tale then a game, channelling the tenants of inner strength, peace and intelligence. 

Similar to Witcher 3 in tone and scope, Don’t Shit Your Pants is an epic open world room with multi-branch choice system. Incredibly stressful as the timer slowly ticks down to a brown conclusion. You must act purposely, but within reason.

Hold… it

E3

My Top 3 E3 Announcements: Definitely, Maybe


Editor – A new face appears! Let’s have a quick peek at his crazed E3 Mutterings.

You want my top 3 E3 announcements? You got them! Firstly, I would have put more but I thought a top 3 was enough for you guys. I would have loved to be there though right in the heart of it, rubbing shoulders with weird corporate folk pretending to be trendy when really they just want your monies, so here goes!!!

I’d just like to say, E3 wasn’t terrible this year. There were many wow factors, a lot of nodding heads and waving of arms so surely that’s positive… oh and there was more VR. We like VR right?

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E3

Top 3 E3 Announcements: Kinda

 E3! C’mon, say hooray with me! “HOORAY!”

Get excited little people as marketing departments go into overdrive! We can’t ignore marketing now, can we!

With instant information at our fingertips the Electronic Entertainment Expo’s barely relevant these days. I’ve no idea why any games journalist would waste their time going, when you can watch all the trailers from the comfort of home.

So buckle up for the top 3 announcements that excited me this week, as I sipped tea from the comfort of my chair.

E3! CLICK HERE!

fallout shelter

Fallout Shelter

SHORT REVIEW – FROM THE TOUCHLINE – ANDROID VERSION

Welcome to today’s game, Portugal Vs Iceland.

Kick off 8pm. Referee: Mr Quaki Limbeer.

“So Faulstinho Di Trickyshit, have you tried Fallout Shelter?”

“I loves the Fallouts! Boom, head explode! Very funny.”

“erm, I don’t think this is the Fallout you’re thinking of Faulstinho.”

“Yes, I cant wait to explore!”

Kick off

john carpenter

The Top 5 John Carpenter films

I love John Carpenter. What better way to praise the man than creating an agreeable and pleasing list.

This is a man that changed horror, promoted diversity and created classics within very modest budgets.

they live

Obey and read the following crud

John Carpenter’s music and art still inspire generations later. They might not know “They Live”, but they certainty conform and obey for some cool t-shirts.

I would have loved to have seen what a young John Carpenter could have created with a massive budget and the freedom to use it.

Yes, please hum your favoured John Carpenter track…. now!

On with the list!

Mad Max

The inability to play a Mad Max

It sits in the pile, a fine game indeed. I cannot get up, cannot plug in. Time passes, i relent, I click Rocket League again.

Mad Max, is an open world game with exciting car chases, wandering and meaty combat. 

Purchased at the beginning at the year I acquired Mad Max and immediately slogged through the early story missions. I fannied around in the sand dunes, an’ bombed around in Max’s car. Much enjoyment was had. After a few days of play I didn’t return. So how did I manage to play everything else in my collection but Mad Max?

How does that happen?

Let’s evaluate my poor tired brain

The Ren and Stimpy Show

The Ren and Stimpy Show

Television retrospective

STEIIIIIIMPPPY!!!!! YOU EEEIDDDDIOT!

You know you’ve made it when people are buying cuddly toys of your animated stars. Even if it stars a psychopathic Chihuahua and a simple-minded Cat. Back in the nineties Ren and Stimpy swept onto screen to acclaim and controversy. Mostly controversy.

rens retirement

Poor Sweet Ren

Imagine my surprise when I came across the delightful “magic nose goblins” whilst eating dinner with the family. Imagine the horror as the camera zooms in for an extreme close up of Ren’s withered face.

Imagine eating to this?

Whoever was in charge of the scheduling on BBC2 is a national hero.

Joy!

rift

Hey, do you remember that VR thing?

From the pen of the swanky games journalist

Let’s reinvigorate the excitement glands as we take a trip down virtual lane. 

Virtual Reality headsets are viable now! Remember the Virtual Boy?! Crazy; those crazy Nintendo guys. Put on the special headset, open your eyes and sit in an F1 car, walk through the accountants office or even fly like a bird! You wont puke up, this is the future. You living in the future right now. But remember, vomit will not spill from your gob.

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Mmmm, yes, that’s is very good VR.

Year before release. Best pre-order that VR as soon as possible, don’t get left behind, you chumps. We’ve been playing VR a year before release. Eiffel Tower in your house! We can’t describe the experience, you have to try it.

More exciting VR hype!

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Shadow of Mordor: Game of the Year Edition

Middle-earth™: Shadow of Mordor™ - Game of the Year Edition sunset

Sweet Sunset over Mordor. Please remember, you can push O for your hanging pleasure.

Short Review / SEMI-RETROSPECTIVE : PS4 Version

You’ve seen the “Lord of that Rings” film, now get ready for another computer game. You play as Talion, a ranger man with spooky powers. Now buckle in for a buzzword of a exciting word and verb noun MacDonald.

Hmm, it’s a bit of an old game to review, a whole year and a bit ago. In game years (much like dog years) you could say it’s technically over 7 years old now. Let’s not worry about time or relevance. None of that matters. Nothing ever matters.

Disclaimer – The following contains vast amounts of swearing, which sounds as if I was frothing at the keyboard. So please, imagine a dishevelled hermit screaming from a rock, wrapped in a formally wet smoking jacket made from own-brand tissues.

On with the Show!

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Preacher

Spoiler-free Television Review: Season 1 – Episodes 1 & 2

A “thing” happens to misery-guts Preacher Jesse Custer. Finding out what that is, is half the fun. Unless you’ve read the comics… That’s ok. You can derive pleasure by complaining it’s not identical to the drawings. It’s a Win – Win!

Sorry, it’s now far too late to read through the Preacher back catalogue or even flick through IMDB. Best get watchin’ the first episode. C’mon quick, before its thoroughly spoiled by loved ones, friends and disgusting social media.

Before you start, I best warn you that the comic didn’t hold back on its strong themes, with a grand capacity to be crude, violent and outlandish in equal measure. Also, as you can tell from the title of the show. There might be the odd religious thing thrown into the mix.

Excited aren’t you.

YEP… Nod

Downwell header

Downwell

Downwell boom

Ka-Boom and friends

VERY SHORT REVIEW: pc VERSIOn

An independently made game? In this day and age? Well I never.

Who is this little bloke falling down a well? Why jump down a well? For riches? Fame? For Fun? Doesn’t sound fun to me. In fact it sounds horrifying.

Who in the buggary-hats came up with such a horrible concept? Let’s see if I can get past this haunting premise…

Jump!

Gravity rush

Gravity Rush Remastered

Gravity Rush™ Remastered 1

    Oh, Hai Kat.

SHORT REVIEW: PS4 VERSIOn

Weeeeeeeeeeeeee! The game.

The original Gravity Rush was released on an abandoned handheld system back in 2012. What a delightfully innocent time. Arrr 2012, a time where you can leave your front door open, use the term “cowabunga” and cripple bullies without he need for police involvement.

Anyway, the original version fully exploited the lil’ PS Vita system, using every gimmick in the book. A few years later we warmly welcome a re-purposed, re-released Gravity Rush for the PS4. Sliding into scene with updated controls with a lick of new graphical paint, we ask the question…

Does it blend…  No wait…

…Does it hold up?