“Despite popular opinion good things happened in 2016”
“Your bloody nominees are: -”
“The Winner is…”
“Cough… The nominees are: – ”
“I’m not sure the point of this award, ok…. The InpuTerror Award for best game featuring a mustachioed man with a brother plumber, from another mother, called Luigi is…”
“Away from the sparkle of Tinsletown, we suspect these A-List dreamboats are very hairy men indeed”
“Your hairy nominees are:-”
“I’m pleased to announce the winner is…”
“Your nom nom nom are: -”
“And the winner is…”
“Lets try that again, the nominees are… ”
“…Aaaaaand the winner is…”
Eggs applauding as they are squeezed from the chickens arse. They somehow clap as they roll towards the edge of the table. Screaming as they reach the edge, cracking in a gooey mess. Still they clap. They never stop. Please stop the eggs from clapping.
“This year’s best first person shooter is…”
“‘Ello thar, I’ve taken’ over t’ ‘osting duties. Ey. Nominees be: – ”
Blah, Blah Blah, words. Just have a looksie…
It’s the same ol’ Fruit Ninja cluttering up your phone, jazzed up and re-purposed for your VR pleasure.
We ask the important question… Does it work?
Huge overbearing applause.
“Without any more gibberish, your nominees are: -”
“This year’s finest Role Playing Game is…”
Could Rogue One be the New Hope we’re looking for?
Didn’t like that line? Get used to it… That’s the level of dialogue to be expected from this new Star Wars film.
Sometimes you’ll hear a nice thing about a film… Then a few more nice things. Before you realise it, you’ve resigned yourself to a trip to the cinema. Hopes aren’t overly raised. Prequels are pretty flawed films from the get-go. Still, let’s hope we are taken on a nice journey.
Let’s have a very brief chat about that new Star Wars.
Massive applause from a goat.
“Films have the power to make us laugh, cry and spontaneously combust. Award shows are ultimately pointless, what is the point of it all. The nominees are… ”
“Muh, who cares…thewinneris…”
Intermittent applause, a man screams.
“Who likes the word IP? Or franchise? You people… Casually accepting corporate language…. What next, will you all “touch base?” I bet you all “do lunch”… You make me sick. And the nominees are… ”
“Pass me the envelope Dave….Look, just pass it… for fuc-… Hey now! AND the winner is…”
Minor applause and muted conversation.
“The nominees are… ”
“…Aaaaaand the winner is…”
Light, limp applause.
“The nominees are…”
“This year’s best new website award goes to…..
Fumbles with envelope for 27 minutes…
When an ancient looking, sorry, classic Role Playing game is released in 2016, the simplest way to describe it is to reference Baldur’s Gate.
That was released over 18 years ago.
This is what happens when you grow up with games. So, for those that understand that incredibly old reference, skip to the review. If any of you young whipper-snappers have stumbled across this website by mistake, I’ll stick around and attempt to describe what an old-fashioned isometric RPG is.
No, there isn’t any video content… What do you mean you’ll just look it up on that youstubes. You young people, with your flashy comic-sans words, video content and hippidy-hop-scotch ways, not wanting to read things, grumble, grumble.
You know Fallout 4 and Skyrim an’ that. Baldur’s gate is the 2D version. But better.
Rather than concentrating on beautiful vistas and slow-mo shooting, these crusty ol’ games had lots and lots of words, world-building and ideas. Some of them very silly indeed. I’m confident no RPG has come close to the original Fallouts low intelligence dialogue options. If you create a stupid character, named… erm…. “Rory Plopper”, you weren’t given a penalty to spell-casting or hacking emails. You’ve spawned a barely functioning, simpering idiot, hardly capable of speaking. Don’t you wanna play that game? Don’t you want to be Rory Plopper?
Bloody hell… even the intro was bloody long. Ok, let’s get on with it!
Blah blah blah, just watch the video from 5:40 to jump to Nintendo Switch action. No, I won’t force you to click into the article to register your interest in the matter. No, I wont force you to read my pathetic account of the video, forcing you to you scroll to the bottom of the page to hunt down the juicy video available everywhere.
How’s this for a piss-poor first day at work? You finally get that swanky promotion to base commander, only to witness the destruction of your beloved Federation. Those pesky uncommunicative murderous space aliens, always with the random acts of mass slaughter on your happy day. Anyway, I guess you’re the last line of defence, again. So… protect your space station and rebuild the Federation. No problem.
Hey, not the worst set up, is it? I had no idea the game was funded through Kickstarter or created in front of a baying early access crowd. It’s good to be patient.
I’m pleased to report they dodged the “cease and desist” letter from Paramount.
A selection of scandals you have already read before, now with augmented pictures to back up the many, many lies!
I can save you some time here. If you’ve already read the EVE: Valkyrie review, replace the word “spaceship” with “car”, jump to the score and nod approvingly.
Regardless I’ll try to keep it brief. These VR reviews are starting to congeal into a brown pool of review goo with the word immersive stuck in the top. Bit like the flake in an ice cream. An immersive flake.
The Foundation update you say? Hah… I thought the game had a fine foundations. The static universe, displeasing hype and the lack of meaningful pursuits harmed proceedings. At least 20-odd year old Elite Frontier had light piracy, rising through the military ranks and most exciting of all, being a spacebus.
Saying that, I didn’t hate No Mans Sky at all, in fact, quite the opposite and I’m excited by what the foundation update represents.
Short post-release thoughts… incoming!