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Into the Breach – Short Review: PC Version

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Quick Chess 2: Mecha Edition.

Into the Breach is a very simple game. I’ll not waste your time with a long winded-introduction as I’ll explain with a paragraph and picture.

Into the Breach

It’s all mine! Top tip – Use the Control key to check enemy stats.

Within 5 rapid turns you’ll take on high stakes turn-based battles. Cleverly designed and incredibly fair. You will fail a fair few times. Each time you do, you’ll come back a little stronger and wiser.

It is not an easy game, but the campaign is quick. Some would say, faster than light. WINK!

So, now you know whether or not this is the game for you.

You’d like something a lil’ more in-depth? Come on in, why dontcha?

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Sea of Thieves – Beta Boating

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first Look: Xb1 VERSION

Sea of Thieves is an upcoming action-adventure video game developed by Rare and published by Microsoft Studios for Microsoft Windows and Xbox One… But all I want to do is pillage and plunder, is that too much to ask?

So I finally got my hands on some Sea of Thieves action, and I was given access to the “Sea of Thieves Scale Test!” via the Xbox Insider Hub and downloaded it immediately.

Here are my rantings.

Sea of Thieves 1

I spent quite some time looking at the scenery from the crows nest, even at night its a beautiful world… You know it is.

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Farpoint – Short Review: PS4 VR Version

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What do you mean I’ve bought another dead peripheral? No, No. Not that VR-headset thingy. People are still making games for that… *raised eyebrow*, I think…

… Oh they are. How lovely; Rick and Morty’s going to be released soon. Wait, that won’t require the use of a bloody rifle! Let us enjoy a moment of frowning before hitting Google. Let’s see what games are coming out for this shooty bang-bang device.

Farpoint pose

Careful now

18 or so games. Most of them unreleased with TBA. Oh… cough.

I have a defence, Sir. I snagged the game and gun for forty quid. Impressive, right? I’ve been impressed with the actual technology. The rifle’s a giant Move controller with analogue sticks and improved gyroscopics. I seldom found the device flicking around like the ancient Move controllers. It’s pretty stable and suitably sturdy.

Anyway, what about this Farpoint game-a-ma-thingy?

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Agatha Christie the ABC Murders – Short Review: PS4 Version

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Poirot Memory Game

The storm briefly subsides as the door opens wildly. Bundled through the long corridor we reach a small side room where two burly men swiftly move inside, planting the subject firmly in the chair. A smaller calm gentleman enters, nods and leaves. One of the burly men removes the hood and Joey Jo Jo winces under the glare of the singular burning lamp, she blinks and her calm demeanour instantly returns. One of the burly men snorts as they manhandle the door and exit.

She smirks a little and her icy composure returns. 2 hours pass before the door finally opens.

So we meet again

The Night Of

The Night Of

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They actually say “The Night Of” in the show! We all whooped for a full 10 hours afterwards!

Back in the heady days of 2016 a boring ol’ drama with lawyers, Muslims an’ that hit the television screens.

It was pretty good.

The Jesus

“Any lawyer who comes to you with the words “I guarantee!” is a liar.” – John ‘The Jesus’ Stone.

The Night Of stars the above John Turturro as scumbag Lawyer John Stone. I’m not sure there is much more to say about him, apart from he is every bit as good as he always is; but this isn’t the Turturro show. Riz Ahmed is the unwitting focus of the police…. cough… and telly show.

Yes…the following is a bit Spoiler-ish. You sure you want to read on? I mean, you could just watch the show? You want actual reasons to watch it? Very well.

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Shadow of the Colossus

Shadow of the Colossus: The Remake

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I can’t stop buying the same game, can I? 

I mean, it’s not like I don’t know how it ends. The sparse lands hold no further secrets. Why, those cheeky hidden beasts.

Forget the HD upgrade, the original 2005 version still holds up today. It’s still easy to fall into this world, even with that messy control system and antiquated graphics. Shadow of the Colossus will forever retain that magic.

Not to worry guys, inferior graphics will no longer be a concern. Soon well get to enjoy a rebuilt version, complete with singular shiny bell and possibly a whistle.

Mental note – 7th of February 2018 release date.

Something unfounded is scratching at the back of my mind, though…

Come on in, whydontcha

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Kingdom: New Lands – Short Review: PC Version

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What if they update it again? Kingdom: Double-New Lands Two.

I had spent a lot of time with the original version of Kingdom and it wasn’t really worth talking about. A quirky little timewaster that I very much enjoyed. Wouldn’t go out of my way to recommend it to you. Couldn’t even be bothered to write a review first time round. It was a nice little game.

So here we are with, what’s very clearly an upcoming review of that dreary lil’ game with an update. You know what I’m doing right? I’m trying to alienate you. This isn’t a game for you.

Go on. Look at it.

Kingdom

Some horse thing an’ that

Not worth your time. Just some pixel-art horse, innit. Hop it sunshine, nothing for you here.

no more, please

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Everybody’s Golf – Short Review: PS4 Version

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The first review of the year is a bloody golf game? What the hell is wrong with you? I was talking to myself, but… if you’re reading this…

Everybody’s Golf has been around since the original Playstation. Yes, that computerised device from the 90’s. Totally radicool. Welcome to the mighty backlog month.

The game is also very, very pleasant with lil tinge of disappointment. I mean, you knew that already, right?

Let me explain why… but not in song.

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Something to do with the End of Year

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Things of the Year! Yes! That includes games and movies!

We can all mutually agree that the Earth is flat. Now this is irrefutable fact we can engage logic to confirm that the Earth doesn’t rotate around the Sun like the liberal elite would have you think! Oh no. We should quite rightly scream “what did science ever do for us?” Throw away time! Let’s replace it something more suitable to the wishy-washy sensibilities of 2018.

How do we do this?

Also, welcome to the end of year summing up.

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predator

The Worst Videogame Movie Adaptations: 2017

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Once upon a time there was a magical age when videogame creators purchased licenses to completely inappropriate movies. What a time that was. As you would expect, they were fantastically terrible. Their preferred delivery system often came in the guise of a side-scrolling action shooter.

Hudson Hawk

Makes the perfect Xmas present for young Timmy

A fair few stinkers have been made over the years. Here are some off the top of my head.

  • The Flintstones
  • Hudson Hawk
  • The Untouchables
  • Jaws – Oh that was complete and utter shit
Flintstones Amiga

Decorate Fred’s fucking cave. The game.

Magical days.

What if we can bring these magical days back…?

no really

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Total War: Warhammer II – (Not) Short Review: PC Version

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Minor Skirmish: Toothpick 2

What happens when you merge an extensive computerised wargame with a boardgame thingy called Warhammer. Ya know, that thing with Elves and Dark Elves and Elves in stetson hats.

A high fantasy computer game… I guess. Blimey, I feel a long-ass review coming on.

Warhammer board game

Oopfh… Look at the detail on that. Image courtesy of ‘ere.

Oohh, Warhammer features vampires. Neat.

For those with little knowledge of both things, let’s sum it up. You’ve a bloody big map to spawn armies from and you’ll get to decide when to march your hard earned armies into real time battles. Rather than control a thousand individual units, they are bunched into squads. Top tip, spearman are pretty good against big fleshy horses.

Oh… I can’t actually play as a vampire clan. Only battle against them. Aw.

I appreciate the vision of the Total War games. Big sweeping epic battles. Big sweeping giant maps. Big sweeping bugs. Sometimes the visions simply too big and it crushes under it’s own weight. Regardless Total War games are nearly always interesting.

Now… how interesting is Total War: Warhammer II?

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Mario Odyssey

Super Mario Odyssey – Short Review: Nintendo Switch Version

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I can confirm Calypso doesn’t seduce a mustachioed plumber for an unreasonable number of years.

Mario’s been around for over 30 years, which means there’s 30 years of terrible introductions to each game. Here’s another.

Odyssey is a continuation of the fantastic Super Mario 3D World on the horrifically dead Wii U. It was one of my favourite Mario adventures to date and such excitement can only lead to disappointment. Let’s hope not, ‘ey.

Let’s check out the platforming action in a three dimensional environment.

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Splatoon 2 – Short Review: Nintendo Switch Version

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Let’s mention the original Splatoon…. Hmm… Let’s say 7 times.

Did you ever read reviews of the original game?

You have? Don’t bother clicking more. I mean, the sequels more of the same. Have a nice day and good on ya. Mind how ya’ go.

Wait… you’re still here. Ok, here’s a description of the game?

Splatoon 2

Someones made a right bloody mess round ‘ere.

Hot from the wacky minds of Nintendo comes the sequel to one of the most inventive online shooters for years!

Transferring to the plucky Switch, Splatoon 2 changed things up by changing the focus from shooting the enemy, to covering the map in your chosen colour! Wowsers!

So how does the sequel change things up?

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Shadow of War – Short Review: PC Version

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Middle of that Earth: Shadow of that Wars: From that Lord of that Rings

I’ve spent many an hour in the land of Mordor and have had a wonderful time there, despite what the brochure said. The original game spawned a lengthy retrospective and I am unhappy to report that it included a rather vicious disclaimer. You see, the original games plot… was… let’s say… lacking. Hey, let’s hope I won’t have to do that again.

Once again we inhabit brave Ranger Talion with wraith body-roommate Celebrimbor and I’m pretty confident they’ll improve on the lacklustre story.

Let’s find out.

Disclaimer – The following introduction berates a creatively bankrupt team. Again. Light swearing applicable.

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Eggnogg

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Oh, the games really called Eggnogg+. The plus is important 

Let’s talk about a small free game I’ve only recently found out about. I know, I’m late to the party, but at least I did show up.

Last month we reviewed Nidhogg 2 with vast amounts of booze. Sadly no-one in the group wanted to play the game again. Ever.

No problem. I guess we could replay the original Nidhogg… Oh wait. What about…

Drumroll

Star Trek Discovery

Star Trek Discovery

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Star Trek returns to our screens after a 12 year hiatus. Wait… are we seriously counting Enterprise?

Star Trek returns to our screens after a 16 year hiatus. Unrelated to the recent JJ Abrams action films we follow Michael Burnham’s adventure 10 years prior to the original Star Trek series. You know the one, with that Kirk bloke. It also looks a lot like the JJ Abrams action films.

Ignoring the cosy Star Trek format of the past, this series tells the overarching story of a war. Yes. A bloody war.

Wait… is this a soft reboot? Urgh… that term. Oh well. Let’s not judge too hastily, despite the sheer endorphin pleasure of doing so.

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